haunted by thoughts of "XMM"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
haunted by thoughts of "XMM"
11
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 10:59am
I have been divorced for 2 years, got back together with my H and then split again. We have been totally apart for a year now. During that year I "fell in love" with a MM. We have broken it off and have had no physical contact since the end of September. We still talk on the phone occaisionally (we work for the same company but in different cities) IM and email eachother. The conversations are about work, life stuff, kids, careers, etc. Here is my problem.
My XH and I split because he was an alcoholic ( and drug addicted, which he recently revealed to me, I had NO CLUE) and I just couldn't take the mental abuse and anger he dished out. He was very unpleasant to be around. I took it for 8 years and he got worse, wouldn't consider getting help and when he did it would last about a week and he would be back to his abuse.
In the past year XH and I have had only contact about our 3 small children and mostly unpleasant angry conversations.
6 weeks ago he came to my house and said he wanted to change his life, clean up, and get his family back together. He said he has never gotten over me, still loves me madly, wants to raise our kids together and grow old with me. As you can imagine this was out of left field and I was skeptical about his dedication to cleaning up his life.
Well, so far this has been the longest he has ever gone w/o drinking, is actually educating himself about his alchoholism, going to counseling and AA. Of course you ladies know what MY problem is now. I have this "XMM" in the back of my mind, comparing him to my XH...you know..."but XH doesn't make me laugh like XMM does, he doesn't make me feel all gooey inside and love struck like he did. I know there is no future for me and "XMM" but he is in my mind and I can't help comparing the feelings I had for XMM and the ones I have now for my XH. I just wonder if I had never got involved with "XMM" in the first place if I would be able to get feelings back for my XH.
Anyone have 2 cents? A dollar perhaps?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 11:47am

Wow. This is really rough, isn't it?

First of all, it's too soon yet to count on the fact that your H is going to stay dry -- and clean. There's usually a number of relapses, when an alcoholic/drug addict first makes the decision to quit, but the relapses are usually within the first two years. So you've got a ways to go yet before you let H back in the house.

After 8 years of abuse from H, I'd be DONE, with no chance of reconciliation. But I'm not you, and I might change my mind if I had three small children. Well, come to think of it -- LOL -- I DID. My first husband was very abusive, and I stayed for the children. However, I wouldn't do it again. It really wasn't good for our children, but hindsight is always best.

Keeping a family together IS very important, as long as there's no abuse. (I wonder how the children feel toward him.)

You are going to need a number of months, if not a year, of strict NC with XMM before you get over XMM -- and you are never going to completely. Affairs are wonderful, since they have little to do with reality and everyday life. If you married XMM, you wouldn't feel "all gooey" inside in about three years or so. Relationships are HARD work, sooner or later. NO ONE is ALL that great.

My suggestion is -- if you can afford it -- find a counselor or a level-headed girlfriend who can truly listen and help guide you into a decision. YOUR decision. Not the decision of the counselor or GF. And over the next year or two, 'date' your husband and have some family outtings and get-togethers, and see what happens.

Remember -- do you REALLY think a man who would cheat on his wife is all that great??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 11:49am
What we REALLY become addicted to is how great we feel when we're with/talking to XMM/XOM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 12:28pm

Thank you for your reply

I need to clarify that my XH wasn't physically abusive to me and the kids. He did slap me once in a fit of rage (which is what finally pushed me to file for divorce). He had bursts of anger. He also lied about his drinking and would go out and say he was working late but would go to the bar. I told him this was just like he was having an affair, and his lover was Jack Daniels :). It all boils down to trust.

Anyway, he wasn't always angry..he could also be tender caring and sweet. He always adored his kids, is a devoted father and the kids adore him. I just couldn't stand the rollercoaster ride any longer. It was such an unstable feeling. I, of course, poured myself into his problems, got swallowed up and lost myself in the process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 5:15pm

Then try it again! See what happens. But you HAVE to give this time. You can't let him back into your home before a year is up. And I think he probably knows that also. But give him support and see what happens. And I really wish you and your family -- and your husband -- the very best. I hope everything turns out VERY good!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 6:21pm

Need

Naturally the high feelings from the affair are going t color your view of your husband and your feelings toward him, the wounds from the abuse are going to do so just as much, Deep in your heart I a willing to bet your have some real anger toward your husband found in the pain he inflicted on you. BTDT

If you are inclined to give him a chance then take it very slowly and make him prove himself over a long period of time, lay down some deal breaker rules such as AA attendence and the like.

Good luck

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 12:31am

I have to post to this. My 10-yr M is in the same boat right now. I know the rollercoaster ride you are talking about. I kicked my H out once 18 months ago. We have 4 young kids together. He changed so dramatically in the next few months, I let him back in. We had the best 6 months of our whole M after that. But, with no support system and no real boundaries, he slipped back into his old ways about a year later. This is when I met xMM.

It was a short A, only about 4-5 months, but it definitely affected my feelings for my H. I realized that even if I didn't end up with xMM, I wanted a better life for my kids and myself. He is moving out in a few days. He knows he is going to be out at least a year this time, and that I am going on with my life while he works on himself and his problems.

I am afraid and lonely, without my H or my xMM, but I know it is the best thing I can do for myself right now. Do what you need to concerning your H, but I know from experience it's difficult to get loving feelings back towards your H with xMM on your mind.

Good luck to you- I know it's hard. I'm in it right now. I keep reading the boards and telling myself that the hurt will lessen with time.

Hugs,
Breathe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 9:45am

In your first post your mentioned mental abuse. Then in your second post you stated that H didn't phsically abuse you. Abuse is abuse. Mental/emotional abuse is hard to prove in a court of law, but abuse is abuse, and, frankly, I think mental/emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse. My second H, who I was with for only four years, was a MASTER of mental/emotional abuse. For a year after I left him I had mild PTSS.

You can love your husband and hope for the best -- it's difficult raising children alone, I know -- but you also have to be realistic about what happened in the past and what might happen in the future.

AA has a group for the significant others of alcoholics. AA also has a group for teens of alcoholic parents. My suggest is that you ALL start going to AA.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 10:35am

Breathe,

Thanks for your reply and for sharing your story.
I was on the net and found some info on a new approach to Alcoholism and printed some stuff out for my XH. He got a book called "7 Weeks To Sobriety." It deals with Alcoholism more as a disease and not as a behavior to be modified. The book deals with the biological aspect of the disease. It gives the person a list of vitamins and supplements to take. It also talks about how alcohol is a sugar and that in order to break the addiction and craving for alcohol, the addict needs to stop sugar consumption.
For the last 6 weeks my XH went from having cookies and candy and coffee for breakfast, fast food for lunch and drinking soda and coffee all day and chewing tobacco to no nicotine, no alcohol, no sugar and a very small amount of caffeine. He says he has never felt this good in his life and most important DOES NOT CRAVE ALCOHOL. He has no mood swings is calm all the time and very pleasant to be around. He is a totally different person. It really is amazing.

Now I am not saying that he won't slip back into his addiction, I can't afford to think he won't but so far it has been amazing.

Do you think that your reason for taking H back in after your A was for the kids? I guess I need to figure out all the reasons why I would get back with my XH, if he stops drinking. We (you and I) just can't consider the XMM as an option no matter how much we think about him, but doesn't it make you wonder if you can have these feelings for someone other then your H that maybe you chose the wrong person to marry in the first place and that there is someone out there (besides XMM and H) that could possibly make you happy? I hate to live in what ifs and maybes and there are children involved. Sometimes a voice in my head says "you made your bed now lie in it". Actually, that voice is my grandma's when she said that to my mom about staying with my dad who was abusive. Funny, my grandma was married about 7-8 times. She didn't follow her own advice, huh?

Ever feel like you are just hopelessly searching for something you'll never find and the best choice you have is H (if he gets healthy) b/c you have children together and you'll just have to get realistic but know that you'll always have these secret feelings for the XMM? But then that isn't fair to your H since he will never have all of you if you two reunite.

What is it about XMM that made your H not look as good to you? You don't have to say if it is too painful, I am just trying to figure all of this out.

BTW...the year XH and I were apart was the year he drank his azz off, had sex with every breathing bar ho he could. He said it was that year he realized that this was not the life he wanted to lead and he realized that I was the one for him and he needed to drastically change his life to get his family back. If you do want H back, the year's time you are talking about could be pivotal in your relationship and his realization that his family is the most important thing in his life. The year my XH was out of my life I did nothing but work on myself and take care of my kids. A word of advice to you would be to make yourself feel wonderful by making yourself a priority. A healthy mom is the best gift you can give to your 4 kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 11:24am
If your H had sex with 'everyone', I'd be very careful about having sex with him. HIV and AIDS are still alive and thriving.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 12:08pm

Oh, when my H is good, he is very very good. He is the best husband and father. My perfect partner, I'm telling you. My best friend, lover, support. But like I said, I only truly felt that way twice in our whole 10 years- the first 6 months we were married, and the 8 months or so he was back after I kicked him out a year ago.

I was attracted to the xMM because he was paying me attention (which by that time, the H was not) and he was STABLE. He was a regular, boring, stable, working guy. That looked attractive to me. I fantasized about what it would be like to be in a "normal" relationship. (Like if the xMM and I ended up together, anything would really be "normal")

<<>>

I feel like that ALL of the time. Even if H gets better and we end up together, I will never forget xMM. I gave him part of me, and I can't get that back to give to H. But I know that a year from now, if H is better, I would like to think I will be way over xMM by then!

My motto is, as they taught me in Al-Anon, "One Day at a Time" Believe me, I live that.

Hugs,
Breathe

Pages