have to come clean

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
have to come clean
4
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 3:59pm

I've been posting to this board and I have to admit a few things just to be honest. This was my fifth A as a MW. I know thats horrible, please don't rub it in. I married a honest wonderful guy but truely so not for me. There has been little attention, little or no sex, no open communication, and no ability to want to change. But the comfort in the life has kept me there and because he works all the time, I feel more like a single woman most of the time. All he really wants from me is to be nice and take care of the food, house etc. And give him freedom to do his hobbies when he wants. (sports etc).

The first A was purely fun and sex, not the kind of guy I'd marry so I ended it when I got bored. Not much emotion.

The second guy was all Emotional, nothing physical, really more of a close friend so I wasn't really in love.

the third guy was more like the first

The fourth guy was amazing, still a close friend, but again, after a short time, I realized it wasn't meant to be and not worth the risk.

there was time inbetween all these guys where I swore it wouldn't happen again and I tried to work on my marriage but obviously it didn't work.

But this guy. I've read posts about jerky guys but this guy was it. The loml I was searching for. Never anything but honest, sweet and wonderful to me. Always putting me first. Took the most amazing care of me. Never had actual sex because we wanted to wait till married even if that was years and years away. But I guess at home, the W noticed a change in him. They have small children, she had him followed. Now he needs to have NC with me cause honestly, I love him more than myself and I know his kids need a dad and I know she'll make his life miserable. But I know deep deep deep in my heart he and I are the couple everyone dreams about, so in sync we know what we need before we ask. So for him, I'm in NC cause as much as he loves ME he has to love his children more. I get that. And of course if I end my M, my kids (older than his) would come with me. I've raised them on my own anyway cause H works so much. But in his case its not the same. I don't know if our relationship was a wake up call for him to fix his marriage. I don't know if he can. And if he doesn't he'll call me maybe and then I have major decisions to make. Honestly, I realized before him that I never wanted an A again. I hated the secret life but with him it was what I've been searching for my whole life.

So now I'm so broken its unbelievable. I pray for just one nights sleep. I can't seem to sleep through the night. I wake up in such pain. I'm set on trying to improve my marriage but how do you do that when even in the best day possible with H isn't him?

I am crazy, huh. Its so unfair. We had this crazy plan, to just wait a few years till his kids were a bit older. Fantasy? Maybe. The question is also can he save his marriage? He was never crazy in love with his wife. It was more a 'time to get married' moment. But I don't know, its out of my control.
Now I have to consider it over. If and when he ever contacts me, I'll have to deal with that then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 4:55pm

Dear J~


First I want to say that I am sorry for the pain you are feeling right now... its pretty clear that your tore up.


I feel that its is important for you to stay away from AP and let him work on his M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 5:29pm

Not sure how much you've been able to read in the Healing Library but I wanted to share this with you....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 5:32pm

Thank you for that. I am crying as I write this. But yes, he would be with me except he'll lose his kids. He spent a lot of time researching if kids are better with divorced parents or unhappy parents and he realized unhappy better if they are not screaming. And his wife is vengeful, she'll use the kids to destroy him. So I can't blaim him really. He said to me that he'd rather be miserable than hurt his kids. Not his wife but his kids. And for now, I'm lucky cause no D day. Of course if she found out I made contact, she might decide to go after me.

I think honestly, I lost a good friend potential. We enjoyed a hobby together that now he has to give up. And it won't be as much for me without him. But cause of our mutual issues in our marriages, we let it get out of control. And unlike me, I'm sure he acted differently at home to the point where she got suspicious. My H was working all the time. She was home, so when he disappeared, she noticed.

I honestly think now he has very conflicted emotions. He does know I'm hurting but so is he. He knows what we had will never be matched. He knows he's never loved anyone like that and I totally believe it. And honestly, I think his NC now is also to protect me. He said to me he'll beg for her not to do that. He knows I didn't want a D day. He never ever thought he'd be 'that guy' who had an A. I think hes in shock.

So honestly, though, if its meant to be, then both of our marriages will end, not cause of an A but cause they were meant to end. And only in that way, can we really find happiness together. Time will tell but meanwhile, I have to try to get over this and move on. I think he will contact me at some point to let me know whats going on, or maybe just to say goodbye. I will have to deal with that.

Thank G_D to everyone who has posted on this board. Its amazing to me and has helped these 3 days. I will look forward to more posts and someday soon I hope to play if forward and help the newbies. When H comes home tonight, I'm gonna kiss him. I need to start kissing him. I learned that kissing is so important. It was missing for both my marriage and my A's marriage and what I enjoyed the most about my A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 5:49pm

We have all been in the pain of ending an A....