Have decided to find another job

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Have decided to find another job
11
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 2:28pm
Hello again everyone. Most of you know my story. I work with xMM who is now back with W, trying to have another child and says that he is happy. I had a miscarriage (MM's child) 1 year ago. I have done well with NC. I go way out of my way to avoid him. So far, I have only seen him from a distance 1 time in 1 month. However, it is hard. I am always anxious that I will run into him in the parking lot, etc. Also, just knowing that he is 1 floor above me in his office is hard. I had really hoped that he would not do this. We discussed, at length, how we could not go on here if we split up. I started asking him to look for another job 2 years ago. The thing is, he is going to do this. He is going to stay here and continue his marriage and have another child right in front of me. I do not even know if I have a right to ask him to leave. I think that the baby is what makes me feel that I had a right to ask him to leave. If you read my posts to Serenity, you will see that he talked of our having a child together all of the time. I guess it would be different if he had ever told me that he would not be leaving his marriage. I really took him seriously. Also, I left my husband and now I am single with a mortgage.

OKAY, I guess I should just say it. I thought that he truly loved me enough not to stay here if we split. I never expected him to do this. It is evident that he did not love me the way that he said.

So, I have decided that I have to find another job. I really like my job. I worked hard to get it. I am struggling with these things. I know that there are many out there that would tell me NOT to leave my job because of him. However, most of those folks do not understand the mental anguish involved in all of this. I know that all of you do. Also, I know that I cannot experience true NC working here. When I know that he is away, I am a different person. To me, true NC is never seeing the person or having to even hear anything about them. I am trying so hard to hold my head up and keep going. However, I think that staying here and hearing about his life (from others) is just too much. I feel so weak. I feel like a total wussy. Please let me know your thoughts and/or experiences.

Thanks

Lostit

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 2:56pm
I understand how you feel SO MUCH. I work with my X-OM too and he is in a different building than me. It is very hard, BUT I am not giving up my job because of him. My X-OM and I were involved in a mostly emotional affair off and on for the last five years. He was married and I was married when it started. Now he is divorced and he is out there dating. I am still married. I know that he has the right to date and I shouldn't say anything, BUT he has started dating a woman that works down the street from where he and I work and he is letting her drive his car everyday because she doesn't have a car. I have to pass her every morning on my way to work and it is HARD seeing her in his car. He knows that I know about her and I wonder sometimes if he likes flashing it in my face every day because she has his car(and who knows what else she has of his). Even though I am married, I try very hard not to flash my husband in X-OM's face, if that makes any sense, and then I think to myself that he probably LOVES it knowing that I see this woman every day in his car. I just tell myself that it is his loss that he doesn't want me in his life. He can go on out there and find however many women that he needs and let them use him. He seems to attract women that use him. Well, I didn't really mean to get off on that, but I wanted to tell you NOT to think that your X-MM didn't love you. He probably does, but like the rest of them, he was too afraid to leave his safety net to be with you. So now he is going to act like his marriage is great and that he is over you. Believe me, he isn't over you. He is suffering, but he doesn't show it. He is just covering it up well. I assure you, he cares. Only you can decide about your job, but think about it long and hard before you leave it. I know that you are hurting, but take satisfaction in knowing that he is hurting too. He just doesn't want you to know it!
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 3:04pm
I don't think you are a wussy...working in the same company and hearing about his life is very difficult for you and understandably so.

If you do leave then make sure it isn't a step downward in status or in salary. He isn't worth that.

I'm sorry that this is so difficult for you. I actually think I would enjoy seeing XOM at work because I think it would make HIM uncomfortable and I would feel empowered..but my situation is different then yours.

Dont do anything rash. Think about making a major career change before you do it.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 4:35pm

LI, don't feel wussy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 5:10pm
Thank you. I knew that people on this board would understand. It must be especially hard for you having to see him with another woman. Someone told me once that it is harder to see them with another woman than the W or xW. Is there hope for your marriage? Have you been contemplating divorce? I used to think that my xMM would have preferred that we both stay married and just continue with the A. I used to believe that he could go on that way for years. Was it hard for you when he divorced, to know that he would be single?

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 5:12pm
Thanks. It won't be anything rash. It will take me quite awhile. There are projects that I feel that I need to finish first. I wish that I could feel empowered by seeing him. Maybe someday I will.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 5:39pm
Hi again. Yes, it is VERY hard for me to see him with another woman. I have seen him out a couple of times with different women. It bothers me, but what really bothers me is him letting this latest woman drive his car. He is divorced with no kids, and only has one car. This latest woman has several kids and no car of her own and he is letting her use his car to transport her kids around and get herself to her job. I know that he must be getting something in return from her(you know what I mean), since he is letting her have his car all day long. I keep wondering why he doesn't just buy her a car or help her to get one of her own. I don't know how serious he is about her. I think that he still dates other women. I try not to think about it, but it is very hard, especially when she passes me every morning. I have thought about divorce, but only because of X-OM. If I weren't so crazy about him, I wouldn't even consider it. My marriage is okay. I would be okay if it weren't for X-OM. I was fine until he came along. I fell for him VERY HARD and still am very much in love with him. I hope that someday I can get over him completely.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 6:53pm

I may catch a lot of grief for my comments, yet I think there are a few things in these posts that being overlooked....


"If I weren't so crazy about him, I wouldn't even consider it. My marriage is okay. I would be okay if it weren't for X-OM. I was fine until he came along. I fell for him VERY HARD and still am very much in love with him. I hope that someday I can get over him completely."


cl-nre: You'd be OK IF it weren't for x-OM? Why do you choose to give someone so much power over YOUR life and happiness? He didn't come through on his promises to you? OK. Did you follow through and get a divorce to be with x-OM? Had the 2 of you made such a commitment to each other? Are there other issues in your marraige that warrant attention to affect a decision to divorce? Seems so to me. If not, then I believe your focus remains the same as it was when you ended your affair: On what YOU'RE doing with YOUR life with ONLY YOUR husband and marriage. Why presume x-OM is doing ANYTHING different from any other SINGLE man capable of sharing whatever he owns with whomever he chooses. And if she's putting out to him, as you've inferred in your post, as quid pro quo for use of his automobile, so what? Their life, not yours. You have steak at home with H every night......


My point in challenging you on these items is that if you're really happy with the job you have, stay there. You worked for and earned the job satisfaction you have. I believe when you're truly "over" your relationship with x-OM he could have a desk right next to yours and it wouldn't matter to you at all or affect your choice to work where you do. If you're going to leave your job, please do so because it's the right career move for you, not a physical response to current unsettled emotional issues. Because those emotional issues are going to follow you to the next job and situation for another opportunity for an affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 9:29pm
Hi NRE. Your post made me think of some things. My xMM told me in our last conversation that he was "choosing" to love his wife. He said that his focus now off of me and on his family had made a space for him to fall back in love with his wife and family. Your comment about not having room in your heart to love someone else if you are settled with your feelings about your spouse made me think that maybe he was really telling me the truth and he was not just speaking out of fear (of me telling his W). Maybe I just need to face that. It was so hard for me to believe because I had heard the opposite for 5 years....I am so in love with you....your the love of my life, etc. He had claimed to be so unhappy at home for so long that I just could not believe the turn around. I knew (I thought) that he was unhappy even before our A began when we were just friends. Maybe the best thing for me to do is accept that he really is happy and try to be happy for him and his family?

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 11:16pm
I understand how hard seeing him and knowing he is around is that would kill me. Just knowing mine is in the same city hurts that I could drive to his house anytime I want to. I also hope I never see my XMM again.

I don't know what your job is but if it is something that you can replace then go for it but if you have a lot invested there screw him and try to find a way to get over it. I would be exactly like you and find another job though. I think getting away from the XMM is the best for your mental health. You have gotten out of a bad marriage and are making a better life for yourself. You don't need him pulling you down.

Good luck finding a new job. How exciting starting new experiences.

Cali~

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 3:29am
You're not weak, not a wuss. You're doing what you need to do to protect yourself, take care of yourself and move on in your life after this awful loss.

Good luck finding a new job. I think it's the best thing. I felt a lot better after I left the workplace I shared with MM, even if it did take a very long time to get here -- feeling better that is.


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