have to end it, but don't want to...

Avatar for mama_mia123
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
have to end it, but don't want to...
3
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 6:35pm
Hi,

I am new here, and I need support. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and that is so hard.

I have been involved with OM for 2 and 1/2 years. I love him, and I need to end the relationship because I know it is the best thing for me.

Whenever we get too close, he pulls away. We've only had sex a few times, two years ago, and after that he wouldn't contact me. He said he felt too guilty towards his family, and he needed to stay away from me. But every few months since then, we go through this cycle- we contact one another (sometimes him, usually me), then email for a few weeks, maybe talk on the phone, and then he pulls away. He says he feels too guilty, and he won't even see me because he claims he is so attracted to me he can't be near me without having sex with me.

A few months ago he contacted me and this time it has been different- he usually pulls away within a couple weeks and this time he's still hanging out after two months. But I can't tell how he really feels for me, and he never really lets on. He emails about silly things, general things, and never says he misses me or anything. He's not an expressive type and if I push for him to know his feelings, he closes up and stops contacting me. At least for a few months.

I love him. We have seen each other twice, around the beginning of July, and although he is emailing me almost every day, he refuses to see me. When we saw each other, we kissed, he held me, so gently, so perfectly. It went much further than that, and then he felt guilty and pulled back. But this time he didn't completely stop contact. This time he emails me and has called me a couple of times, a few weeks apart. It's like, I can't tell if he is just using me for occasional sex, or if the reason he won't see me is because he just isn't attracted to me, and only considers me a friend, or if (what I wish) he cares for me so much that he is afraid that he'd come to love me?? But right now, as it is, we are just email buddies, and that is too much for me. I love him, I live for his stupid one-line emails about the weather or music or his job or some other impersonal thing. I wish every day I could be in his arms.

Last time we saw each other, he told me he is mysterious on purpose because that keeps my interest. And that if I knew the real him I wouldn't be interested. But I told him I love him, I want to know him, and that didn't change anything.

If I knew this emailing would lead somewhere, I would keep it up. But now he tells me his house is on the market and he's moving a few hours away, which will be so hard for me. So I might as well end it now. Seems that no matter what I do, he only comes to see me if it is HE who wants to see me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 11:16pm
I am in a similiar situation except his GF found out. We couldn't see each other but talked on the phone. I, like you, planned my entire life around his calls. We couldn't email b/c that's how GF found out. We did get together a week ago and had sex. He also fel very guilty. I didn't like how we had a wonderful intimate experience then he had "that look of guilt." I know he is confused, so am I. But I never have not wanted to see him. He says he only feels guilt when we see each other, that he's okaying talking on the phone - but in person he says he is too attracted to me and can't control himself.

I had to make a decision. I told him that if he wants to work on his relationship with GF then I won't interfere. I said that I would not call him and i haven't (but it's only been 3 days). I'm not giving him an ultimatum. I just want that if we see each, he doesn't regret it afterwards. I know it's only been 3 days and that is really not enough time for him to TRULY try to ork on realtionship with GF. Nevertheless, it is killing me --- The WONDERING!!!

PLEASE READ MY EARLIER POST "If it's meant to be -- Setting OM free..."

It gives a little more detail and maybe we could both figure out a way to get each other through this difficult time.

Avatar for mama_mia123
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 12:18pm
thank you, yea, i had read your other post, and I know exactly what you mean, you don't like that guilty look they get. it's almost like, i don't want to get too close because then i have to suffer the guilty look...

but thanks for your advice, it's gonna take time but i have to resolve to end it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 5:39pm
Hi Mama Mia,

I can offer my perspective, as there may be similarities to your situation with MM. I am a MW who has had a R with a single OM. Like your MM, my behavior tends to be a little erratic with OM. It is all about the guilt. The guilt ebbs and flows, as does my affection for OM. Not only do I have guilt about H, but I feel even worse about tying up OM's heart when he should be out finding a more suitable partner for himself. OM insists that he will just take what he can get, keep things light, and will let me know when he's ready to date others, but I know that he tells me these things to keep me from wigging out.

Other motives for my inconsistent behavior: I love being with OM, our physical R is wonderful. I enjoy our special, secret friendship, the attention he lavishes on me... Heck, I just plain love being loved. These things bring me closer to him. But my feelings are not as deep for him as he'd like; even if H and I were to split, I know would never end up with OM. I enjoy OM's special friendship, but I do not love him the way he needs to be loved. So these things creep into my mind occasionally, and when they do, I pull back.

I'm in pull back mode right now. N/C is difficult to maintain, but I'm trying my best. And, like many here, I'm confused too.

Ipugerson