Have I deluded myself?
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| Mon, 11-08-2010 - 3:29pm |
Reading through some of the posts today, especially the "coping with the special issue" makes me wonder...did I delude myself when I was with exAP into thinking that I was something special? Also, remembering his last words to me which basically said he never felt anything for me and that he only told me he loved me to keep me from telling his W...well they make me think how screwed up was I to think that he actually loved me and that I did mean something to him. I hate this part. The second guessing everything. Wondering why he took so many risks if I was nothing to him.
My A has 3 parts. Part 1 was more of an affair that we fell into because we needed each other. I was vulnerable. He preyed on that and I fell for his ray of crap. Part 2 was what I thought was love. We got back together because we missed each other. We spent every single second we possibly could together. He would text me in the morning when he was getting in the car, we would talk on the phone on his drive into work, we would email throughout the day. We saw each other after work 4 out of 5 days a week (some days it would only be for 10 minutes for a coffee, an hour for a walk or workout, or other times for dinner and a movie). He would make time for me on the weekend. He would call me before he went to bed and almost every single night we had time to chat online. Part 3 is this...the ending.
I miss him so much it hurts. The blessing in this is that my H has stepped up to the plate and has been there to support me. If it wasn't for this, I would have broken into a million pieces. I can't imagine coping with my dad's illness, his death and the ending of my A if H was the same distant non-emotional man that he was 2 years ago when I entered into the A.
Part of me thinks that exAP tried to make me feel special. Is that just me being stupid? Am I just wanting to pretend like he made me feel special so that way I don't feel cheap and used? exAP was a man I knew for 13 years. We dated for a few of those years on and off. We never broke up...he moved 8 hours away so we just kind of lost touch.
So I guess I am mourning 3 people:
1. My Dad who was the best, greatest, kindest man I have ever known. Part of me thinks that perhaps my Dad was the "something" that told exAP to leave me alone and that I belonged with my H. My wonderful Dad knew of exAP and knew that I was confused and unhappy in my marriage. I had indicated to my family at one point when I had a breakdown in July 2009 that there was a man who said he had feelings for me. My Dad was not impressed. My Dad was taken too early and too suddenly and I'm sure that the suddenness is part of why I'm having such a difficult time dealing.
2. ExAP has my friend of 13 years. Someone who I could trust and lean on and get support from a safe place.
3. ExAP who I fell in love with (at least I truly felt it was love) and who left me voluntarily and left me broken hearted and to deal with all this grieving. I honestly thought we were going to have a future together and I was preparing myself to start a new life with him.
Gah...sorry to have written so much and sorry to have it be so heavy. I guess I just needed to get some feelings out. Thanks for listening.

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I don't know Cait. I spent an hour writing my post on that thread but i deleted it.
Cait,
I wish there was something I could say to help you.
It really doesn't matter if he cared or not. What the two of you had was an illicit relationship that was hidden in a dark place. Did he take you home to meet his mother? Did he show you off to all of his friends? Have you sat down and had a cup of coffee with his family? Where was he on Christmas, New Years and all of the other significant days of the year? Did you meet the most important ppl in his life his children? I'm sure you answered no to all or most of those questions. Love doesn't hide in dark shadows. Real love is so deep and pure that when you have it you want to show the world. You don't have to hide the person you truly love. You want that person to meet those who are important in your life. Why did he take the risk? Because when we are in an A we are driven by toxins that make us do really unusual things. Remember that real love makes the sacrifice above all sacrifices. What your DH is doing with you, that is real love. He is showing the world that he wants to be with you. He isn't hiding you out and playing with you in dark places. He's holding your hand in public and taking care of you. His mother, sister, brother and everyone knows that you are his. We should never settle for being a secret in someone's life.
Good Afternoon Cait -
Im sorry you're missing, hurting and grieving.
God Bless your Father - and may he Rest In Peace - knowing that you are making a choice to be profoundly happy in your life - here on out.
Regarding being cared for or deemed 'special' by your xap...here's MY take (from my experience):
1) I think something LACKING in ourselves (a void, hole, need etc) is the DEEP belief that we're special and lovable.
For me - having that void - met by someone who possessed traits that I placed on a pedestal...started to make me feel cracked out to receive his "love" so that I could continue to feel good. It wasn't always like that- but I became TOO dependent on feeling "special" to him...so much so...that I didnt want to let go - because I had my wires crossed thinking that the "specialness' was something HE possessed and bestowed upon me as opposed to my being SPECIAL on my own.
All this I believe is what amounted to my "addiction"
Dear Cait and Chechi,
Ladies, listen up. Not all XAP's are users and manipulators. Affairs cause us to behave this way.
Iddy, I you.
I think a lot of us newbies really needed to read this from you. Thank you.
Thank you everyone for your words and your support.
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