Have I deluded myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Have I deluded myself?
11
Mon, 11-08-2010 - 3:29pm

Reading through some of the posts today, especially the "coping with the special issue" makes me wonder...did I delude myself when I was with exAP into thinking that I was something special? Also, remembering his last words to me which basically said he never felt anything for me and that he only told me he loved me to keep me from telling his W...well they make me think how screwed up was I to think that he actually loved me and that I did mean something to him. I hate this part. The second guessing everything. Wondering why he took so many risks if I was nothing to him.

My A has 3 parts. Part 1 was more of an affair that we fell into because we needed each other. I was vulnerable. He preyed on that and I fell for his ray of crap. Part 2 was what I thought was love. We got back together because we missed each other. We spent every single second we possibly could together. He would text me in the morning when he was getting in the car, we would talk on the phone on his drive into work, we would email throughout the day. We saw each other after work 4 out of 5 days a week (some days it would only be for 10 minutes for a coffee, an hour for a walk or workout, or other times for dinner and a movie). He would make time for me on the weekend. He would call me before he went to bed and almost every single night we had time to chat online. Part 3 is this...the ending.

I miss him so much it hurts. The blessing in this is that my H has stepped up to the plate and has been there to support me. If it wasn't for this, I would have broken into a million pieces. I can't imagine coping with my dad's illness, his death and the ending of my A if H was the same distant non-emotional man that he was 2 years ago when I entered into the A.

Part of me thinks that exAP tried to make me feel special. Is that just me being stupid? Am I just wanting to pretend like he made me feel special so that way I don't feel cheap and used? exAP was a man I knew for 13 years. We dated for a few of those years on and off. We never broke up...he moved 8 hours away so we just kind of lost touch.

So I guess I am mourning 3 people:

1. My Dad who was the best, greatest, kindest man I have ever known. Part of me thinks that perhaps my Dad was the "something" that told exAP to leave me alone and that I belonged with my H. My wonderful Dad knew of exAP and knew that I was confused and unhappy in my marriage. I had indicated to my family at one point when I had a breakdown in July 2009 that there was a man who said he had feelings for me. My Dad was not impressed. My Dad was taken too early and too suddenly and I'm sure that the suddenness is part of why I'm having such a difficult time dealing.

2. ExAP has my friend of 13 years. Someone who I could trust and lean on and get support from a safe place.

3. ExAP who I fell in love with (at least I truly felt it was love) and who left me voluntarily and left me broken hearted and to deal with all this grieving. I honestly thought we were going to have a future together and I was preparing myself to start a new life with him.

Gah...sorry to have written so much and sorry to have it be so heavy. I guess I just needed to get some feelings out. Thanks for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 7:40am

Great post....very well said.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida

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