Have to say something here.

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Have to say something here.
16
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 12:56pm
It really amazes me when I read posts where people asked to be verbally told what for! It's like they are asking for a cyber spanking! And to those of you who go there and do that, think about this. You are responsibile for your own actions so no matter how much support you get here, how much advice, how many times you ask, and what you've done that makes you feel the need to ask for it, please KNOW that until you decide to control what you do in your life, it will most likely be out of control...end of story.

Make good, conscience decisions that will benefit you. Wouldn't that be what you would advise your children to do??? To think ahead about consequences and act for themselves so they don't get hurt???

It's time we all really look within ourselves, see WHAT/WHO is causing us to be in pain and realize that the root of our own pain is what we have to deal with and those who are involved in it. When you make contact with someone who can't fix your problems in order to somehow try to get a fix so you can feel better only to feel like crap again, who is really responsible for it? Only YOU can make a difference for YOU.

Hope you will.

Hugs,

GT

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 1:08pm
AMEN SISTER!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 1:15pm
I am new here. I don't understand what you meant in your post about "It's like they are asking for a cyber spanking!" Hope it not me you are talking about?!?! LOL
Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 2:04pm
NLI ~ Since you are new here, how could it be you? Not to worry. I will do my best to explain. When we are in an affair and actively looking to end it, our actions become like a cycle. We want out of pain but are not willing (for whatever the reason) to do what it takes to get out of it. So the cycle begins. We get mad at our A partner for whatever they did or didn't do and we decide to end all contact. Momentarily, we feel strong and stick to it for a couple days until missing them kicks in. Then we become obsessive about what we're missing and we read old emails or sit in front of the computer wondering why they haven't emailed and how could they do that to us? Then we decide to test the waters and either we make contact or we wait long enough until it comes from them. Oh the rush of being back together again only if it is for such a minute or two, only to be disappointed in something they do or don't do all over again, get upset because again we feel the pain and the desire for no contact returns. It is a drug my dear that has to go. And the VERY FIRST STEP TO KNOCKING a feeling that we are addicted to is admitting that WE have a problem, not someone else. The healing process takes awhile and when we fall off the wagon so to speak, we end up feeling so guilty sometimes that we come here and ask someone to knock some sense into us (thus what I called the cyber spanking) and what you need to know because you are new, is that many times because the cycle has happened over and over again already for some of the ladies, quite frankly it gets old telling them the same thing over and over again.

But we do until they get it...and getting it means realizing the problem is with them and then having the courage to go onto the next step which is to deal with themselves and choose not to participate in the same behavior that causes them the endless cycle of pain.

Hope this helps to give you a better understanding. I was just a bit frustrated. That's all.

Hugs,

GT

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 2:48pm
I'm laughing at the idea of a cyber spanking GT, but I think while we need to be accountable to ourselves, it helps to feel the need to be accountable to the friends we've made here as well. It makes me feel that 'little extra' sometimes when I really need it - that I want to make you guys proud of me. Your opinions matter. I respect you (all of you) and I am grateful for the time and evergy you have put out to help me. After all you don't even know me.

So...when someone asks for a 'Cyber spanking" I think its actually based more in the concept of being accountable to self AND others rather than others only and NOT self.

C

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:19pm
I completely agree with you Crystal except SELF is MOST IMPORTANT! Yes the support on this board is fabulous, but it DOESN'T do any good if it fails and you have no idea how much I want and am praying for everyone here to be finished once and for all with their pain.

Love and hugs to you.

GT

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:24pm
Oh sweetie, I just had to post again and tell you I am especially pulling for you. I sometimes think that because a MP feels so guilty from the A when they are what I call in "marriage mode" that they think they have to lose themselves to make it right. You don't. In fact, you simply can't because that is not what is best for you and your family.

TRULY!!! IF YOU PUT YOURSELF FIRST IN A HEALTHY WAY CRYSTAL, YOU WILL GET PAST THIS.

Spank, spank!! :)

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 9:15pm
I agree with EMA being a drug. LOL I can relate to that very well. It is definitely hard to agree and come to grips with reality. I can tell you a lot of women here probably did not get closure from the OM/MM. I have dealt with that only too well. My MM never gave me any closure for a long time. I NEEDED it THEN. BUT not anymore, I have come to realize that he was never going it to me EVER. That't why you see a lot of "WHY??" posts here. JMHO.
Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 11:06am
The key to my post is that if a person truly wants to end their pain over their affair, then they have to be willing to look within themselves, see their own mistakes, accept what reality is and then put action behind the desire to move on.

The subject of getting closure is nothing more than in inability to accept reality, again look in the mirror and make changes within themselves which will bring them closure. The reason you can't get all the answers from your A partner is because in most cases, they don't have them either.

JMHO

GT

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 11:09am
I'm starting to realize what you mean by that. I think sometimes those that are much further 'over the bridge' say things that don't make sense to those of us that are just starting out - or sometimes it seems idealistic and not achieveable. Often I find myself too close to my own situation (too emotional), to make sense of it all. When I give or read advice to others sometimes I learn the most and THEN can apply it back to myself. I especially found that with the women who have had contact this week. I look at them and think - 'See what that contact did to you? Just threw you for a loop. Not a good idea was it?' Yet with all the emotions I felt about my own situation it took me a while to admit that.

Thanks for your support GT. I'm getting there.

PS Cuddled with husband for a little while this morning. It was nice. Its a start...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 11:28am
Yes, to WAIT for closure is not an ideal thing to do, since it leaves you lingering in the EMA forever. However, GT, it one thing to sit and say you are supposed to ACCEPT it and another thing to ACTUALLY experience the feelings. You must have walked in somebody shoes before you make judgements about not wanting to "look in the mirror" and make the changes. JMHO

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