Have you ever...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Have you ever...
8
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 2:53am

Hello all,

I have been lurking for months..... here is my story...please help

I have always been the type to say..... I would never.....ever...ever cheat on my husband. He is in the military, I grew up as a military brat...and said I would never be that other woman. Sorry guys...I don't know the acronyms yet.. But....one day...working with nothing but military men and feeling really, really lonely...I was attracted to this man at work.

I will be honest and say I pursued him. He's married...I am married and my DH is deployed. My DH is great, but he is not here. Out of 3 years, we've been together 1. I know what it feels to be cheated on so I never thought me as the type. GOD does have his sense of showing you...it is never right to judge others.

Anyways. this A has been going on for @ 5 months. The same roller coaster you all have been on. However, I lurked and lurked and haven't seen a case like mine. The same highs and lows... but on Thursday he called and gave me his password to his work acct to check on a promotion list. Me being the nosey individual I am looked into the acct and seen my worst fears. He is my first A and my only as far as I am concerned and he told me the same. But...reading his emails...there have been so many others. His W is in another state due to her job...he was supposed to retire but came up on the list for promotion and is now staying in the military. I feel so betrayed. Almost as if, I were the one cheated on. I told him from the start this is the first time I ever been unfaithful and if he were "involved" to let me know. Well reading his email, he messed around while I was in VA attending my Aunt's funeral. My DH is coming back soon for R&R. I caught feelings knowing I would never leave my DH and with the understanding he would never leave his DW. But to find out....everything was a lie when I was so upfront. I don't know how to deal. I am grieving for him and at the same time waiting the return of my DH.

I went off like a crazy woman...screaming and hollering to the OM. He was cruel. Told me I violated his trust when I read his email...so on and so forth. Told me to never call his cell again or email him at work....etc etc. Then...called back an hour later to see if I was OK. Mind you, I ranted and raved for 2 hours or so...crying and carrying on. I hung up on him. When I came to work the next morning...he sent me an email. I am like What? This is the same person that just told me never to call or email again several hours ago. So of course, I responded in the typical victim role and he wanted to meet for lunch/dinner. After spending the day in emotional chaos, I decided to turn off my cell but about 8 pm I turned it on...2 min later it was him on the line. He said...yes he has had other A but he cared for me and once he felt himself doing so and felt it was dangerous...he pulled away in hopes I would not fall in love w/ him. I felt the convo went well....I said my peace. He said I needed to get myself together for my DH and if I felt the same after he left...we would talk about it. Ok. Then about, 1 am in the morning he calls and sounds so pitiful...saying he can't sleep and everytime he closes his eyes he is thinking about us. But when I tried to get him to open up....he shut down and told me to get some sleep and he would talk to me later. Naturally, I couldn't go back to sleep...I sent him an email saying blah..blah. Then, I called him this morning to check on him....he was short...said he was doing ok and he would talk to me later. No phone call since. I called his cell and he won't answer. I know he doesn't answer b/c he is w/ another woman.

I have a history in psychology and you would think I would know how to deal with this type of man, but I don't. I hate him for all his lies. I hate him for "making" me feel like I need him. I hate him and at the same time...I miss him. I need help. I feel like I am going to lose it. Why would a person do this to me? I am such a loving and caring person and he sees that through my actions at work and our daily phone calls....he knows the other men in the office are attracted to me and is jealous. Why wasn't I enough? Why was he messing with all these others too? I am angry, sad, lonely, hurt, etc every emotion imagined. The close family and friends that know me well don't understand why it is so hard for me to let go. I don't know either. I feel crazy. I want to forget. I hate him. Help me get through this. I don't know how to get through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 3:26am

Hey Sunshine,


I may not know exactly what you've gone through because of your situation being so different but I do know about the being lonely part.


You sound like you are right square in the middle of a nightmare to me.

sc

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 3:43am
I am so very hurt. I read your response...and felt I couldn't breathe. I am so very....very sad. I want to end it or has he ended it in his own way. I made things uncomfortable for him b/c he is exposed. It felt like he put the ball in my court at the last convo. But when he called me at 1 am sounding so sad and lost, it almost duplicated how I felt. I felt sorry for him. Sorry that he has to be filled up by so many woman all the time that he doesn't know who he is. He wanted to tell me...I wanted so bad to hear. But for some reason he couldn't expose himself to me even knowing I found out the truth. I think he will call tomorrow. I don't want to hear what excuse he has to say about why he didn't answer my call...but to keep my cell off is so hard for me. I want to know if he calls. And...knowing...I have to walk in to work and act like nothing has happened is so much killing me inside. Do I act as if I don't care or do I try to make him realize the error of his ways? My decision...at this point changes so frequently. I just don't know. I can't believe he did this to me...knowing how I am!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 4:24pm

Sunshine, My take on what he is doing is that hlis initial reaction was his true self. You are another notch on his belt. Being in the military you have the capability of doing him great harm if you get really mad and inform his CO about all of his affairs. Therefore he contacted you again and attempted to mollify you.

Now, what are you going to do about your H? Considering all of you OM's activities, there seems to be a health concern for you and your H if/when you engage in ic with him. What is the state of your marriage? Does your H deserve any of this? You have a lot to think about. If you cannot be faithful to H, why not divorce him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 4:25pm

I know you are Sunshine!

sc

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 4:31pm

Sunshine

I think jackson got it dead on, you got a look at the real him a user and a player totally untrustworthy and uncaring, you scared him so he is playing you to make sure you keep your mouth shut so HE DOES NOT GET HURT.

Treat this like you would any other addiction, get away from the drug have no contact with it for any reason.

Be prepared for withdrawl, it will happen and it ain't pretty, but the sooner you start the sooner you get free.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 7:07pm

I grew up a Navy brat, and I always said I wouldn't fall to that loneliness either. After all, I'd dealt with it all my life...yet my first 'affair' (just a kiss) occured while DH was out to sea early in our marriage...I had just been discharged from the CG myself and was feeling very lonely and very down when along came this sexy Harley-driving firefighter. I kissed him, and realized that I didn't want him so much as I was lonely for my DH. I made him leave, and cried and hated myself for being so susceptible.

11 years later I'm still just as susceptible, and I realize that it's because I'm human. It's a damn hard life to be a military spouse. ((HUGS)) I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't. I just wanted to say that you're not alone, and I fully understand how you're feeling to the degree of the "I'll never cheat, I know what I'm dealing with."

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 7:28pm

Thank you for your opinion. I thought about that too. He is scared...I know b/c when I first found out and carried on like a mad person...I said I would tell his wife b/c she needs to know. I have since backed off from that b/c I was just as wrong and it would be out of revenge instead of sincere concern for her. Just a note...I printed those emails...some back to 2001. I have them just in case.

I don't want to believe I was just another notch. I feel he was being honest when he said he started to care and he pulled away b/c he knew it would never lead any where being that I am not leaving DH. I am furious....he put me at risk for disease and what if I came back with something to my H. I am going to get an appt to be checked this week. I could have killed him dead; and, if I do have something, I will wage war.

What should I say to him? I can't be mean (as much as I want to) b/c I will feel bad in a couple of days...and break NC to apologize. He's still denying that he hasn't been with anyone else since we've been together. But everything has been such a freakin' lie. Yet...I still want to believe him. I miss him. We were friends.

My husband is a sincere,loving man. He is over there to provide a stable life for us. This would kill him, and I don't plan on telling him. I want so bad to tell him how sorry I am, so very sorry. I love him and am truly thankful for him. And.....crazy...knowing all this about the OM...I feel like I can't let it go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 9:19pm

SS

Feelings are great things but you can't let them make your decisions for you or your life will be nothing short of a wreck before long.

Affairs are ticking timebombs, it will go off if you do not muster up the determination to defuse it soon.

Over rule your emotions and urges and do what you know you have to.