have you ever had these thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
have you ever had these thoughts?
5
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 8:00pm

hi everyone,
i have been with my mm for 3 months now, and his wife is temp. living back home with her family, because mm dosen't have alot of money right now, he owes alot of child support, from previous m. this is his second, i usually pay for most things due to his lack of funds, well yesterday he asked me if he could borrow some money to buy new pants,shoes etc. so i went shopping with him and bought him pants, shoes etc. he told me he was going this weekend to see his kids, that he wanted to look nice, well his kids are only 2,4 they wouldn't even notice. then i started thinking to myself i wonder if he wanted to look nice for his wife? what do you think? am i be played a fool here? i am really in love with him ,and i keep having these thoughts, about him being with his wife, it really bothers me, i want to be the one he is loving, not her, i want to have kids with him! i just can't seem to get these thoughts out of my head it really gets me depressed has this happened to anyone eles? i no he is not going to leave her or he would already have i no i need to end it but i can't i love him so much, what to do any advice please, also do others have these thoughts of their mm with their wifes does it bother you?

thanks for listening candywild

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 10:39pm

Candy

This is a ending a affair support board and hun this is were you so need to be.

Do not have a child by this person unless you want to end up bring up that child as a single parent, this person is on his second marriage and he is cheating on her with you, what he will do to her with you he will do to you just a quickly and maybe with her.

If he can't afford to by his own cloths he will not be able to support your children.

I would say you have been played.

Save your self from years of pain at this mans hands.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 10:47am

Hi Candy,

This board is to support people who are choosing to end their affairs. You are someone who is choosing to continue. My suggestion for you is that you move to the My Affair Support board. You'll probably get more help there :)

One thing I would say, though, is this guy has no money as it is, and two children, one ex-wife and another probable ex-wife. He can't even buy his own clothes. But you want to have kids with him? Do you have any idea how much money it takes to have children? Just something for you to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 11:53am

Candy..I do know its a great feeling to help someone you care about. Loving is giving.

With that said. You got puuuuuhhhhlaaaayed like a fiddle.

This is a reflection on him. You are a nice person but a person who is starting to (finally) see some perspective. Re-read your own post. You are even questioning it. (Thank God!).

Get out of this mess because he is a looooooooooooser. I don't care how much he cares. If he asked you to buy him clothes to see his toddlers. He lied. QUIT everything. You set a pattern of help to help the distressed. I did that in a way myself (in smaller ways). I didn't want to "burden" my exMM. I made many thing easier. I woke up very quickly however. I did test him and he passed a test (thank god for that small consolation). But your man is not owing up to obligations because he is selfish and escapist. He is involved with someone (whether he is married or single..this applies to any person in my opinion) ....and he has no business being in a relationship when his basic needs of food, shelter, clothing etc are not being met...not only HIS but his children.

He needs to get two jobs and quick screwing around with women so that he has time to do it and get up from out of his financial MESS...he has many obligations that he is blowing off...he will blow you off in a second (i bet) if your $$$$ support to him stopped.

Children with THIS GUY? ....Who plays women to get entertainment, sex and clothes for HIMSELF instead of worrying about his kids? Girl.....see the light....he is clouding it with is own selfish needs and big fat ego. He is having fun, you are working hard for your money. Fair huh? Why should he even try to better himself when his instant gratification overloaded need is being met? But yet you work and sacrifice for him? Its only been three months..so you are discovering things...you get a pass for being ignorant (which is not stupid). However if you continue you will be stupid. (tough words but not meant to be malicious) What a louse he is. YOU deserve better...and I think you are starting to feel it. How do you respect him enough to love him?

That was my quick revelation on my feelings for xMM. (and he wasn't doing the things yours is doing (just helped with a cell phone bill that was half me and bought him lunch a few times which i generally have no problem with that but one time there was a sick feeling that i was being used because i asked to help him one too many times.. me:"need cigs?" Him: .."yeah all i have is a 20 dollar bill tho"..hmm i went and got some and said...to self...you idiot..i am too much of a pleaser...i shouldve grabbed that 20 dollar bill...that was him being manipulating but me wanting to be a pleaser..i felt like an IDIOT..so what he "only" had a twenty dollar bill...but i was so caught up when i was around him ..it clouded my thinking...those endorphins....quickly later I FELT LIKE AN IDIOT doormat.....because I LET HIM see me that way...and probably lost his "respect" as well at that moment but he sure probably thought "idiot doormat" too...how sick is that...anyway..)

I realized I had some issues that i MUST deal with that is MY problem.
So figure out what your problem is..why you allow this behavior in your life.
Up your standards girlfriend ....you really need to ..especially if you want to bring children into the world ok?
::hugs::

Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 10:04am
Hey sweetie, yep you have been had!!!!!!!!!! don't do that again and get while the getting is good. If you want help stay on this board. just because you have not ended it yet but you would like help ending it stay here, there are some women who will be willing to help through it.
Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:46am


Hi Candy,

I do beleive you belong on this board. You need to get yourself out of that mess and away from this person. I understand you wanting to be nice but children at that age do not even notice or care what you look like. They have unconditional love for there parents. I think he is using you big time...... I am sorry to be so blunt but your thoughts are on the money. You should seriously consider your options because this man is just not going to lead you into any good directons. No decent man would ever ask a woman or anyone else for the matter to go on a shopping spree and pay for him. If anything he should have been buying something to take for his children and not be so selfish and think of himself. And this is a person you want children with. Please reconsider your relationship there are plenty of good men out there you deserve way better.

Good Luck
Ladybug