Have you or do you plan to tell your ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2009
Have you or do you plan to tell your ...
3
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 4:49pm

Have you or do you plan to tell your spouse about your affair?



  • Yes, I've told
  • Yes, it's the only way I will stick with NC with AP
  • Yes, I haven't yet, but plan to tell him/her
  • My spouse discovered it for him/herself
  • No


You will be able to change your vote.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2009
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 4:52pm
I'm just curious how many tell their spouses about what they've done when they come to realize the A is no longer what they want. Feel free to post the reasons you do or do not tell. I personally told because I had a conversation with x-AP's wife, and I knew there'd be a possibility my H would find out. I couldn't have him find out from anyone but me. Also, it helped me move on from AP. I will never be able to contact him again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 11:44am
I have not told H. He does know that I went to dinner with xap once and lied about where I was. The A started 2 years ago. It lasted about a year. I ended the A a year ago and on 3 different occasions contact was made and new wounds opened. I haven't had contact for 6 weeks now. As for my H, he hasn't been the same since finding out about the secret dinner and suspected something was going on, but never knew anything else. Since finding out about the dinner he has become a very different man. Extremely helpful, doting to the point of nausea, insecure, etc., etc. He was obviously devastated by my actions. Telling him would probably make me feel better, relieve my guilt, help me sleep better, but I know it would absolutely crush him probably to the point of no repair. So I continue to mourn this loss with the help of you ladies and I pray that H never finds out about what really happened. Right now I still have the respect of my three grown children and we are all together as a family quite often. I can't and don't even want to imagine what life would be like for me right now had my H and children found out the truth. Thank you God for second chances. Another big regret that I have is confiding in a couple of friends of mine about the A. They were there for me when I needed them, but have since pretty much kicked me to the curb. They never call to get together anymore and when I try to make plans with them, they have other plans. And it's not because I want to continue discussing the A, I told them both a long time ago that the subject was off limits and that I'm working hard at my marriage now. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or what. Sometimes I wonder if they shared the news with their H and their H don't want them around me. I'm not sure how to ask them. I could really use girlfriend time. Any suggestions? Also, for those of you ladies who H don't know about A, how are you handling the guilt and pain all alone???
Thank you "work at home" for starting this thread and so sorry for changing the subject in a couple of spots.
Actingasif
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2009
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 7:20pm

I'm so sorry you are dealing with the pain and guilt on your own. From the way your H reacted to dinner, I'd say you are right not to tell him. I thought me telling my H might end my marriage, but so far (only a week after telling, though) we are trying to get through it. My A only lasted about a month in total which is probably the reason we are not separated right now. H made it perfectly clear that any longer and he wouldn't be around right now.


As for your friends, I am sorry to hear that, too. If they were church friends, you might have been misguided to share the info with them. I only shared the info with a friend who I knew had been in my situation previously. Even so, she was extremely judgmental and harsh about the whole thing. You could be right about your GF's husbands.