Having an affair. Need help!
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Having an affair. Need help!
| Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:02pm |
Please help me! I am a happily married woman for the past 10 years now. My husband is the perfect husband anyone can have, however, I fell in love with another man and started an affair about 2 months ago. I thought it was only physical attraction at first, but now it has turned into more than that. I love him! He tells me he cares about me, however, I don't believe him. He doesn't show it and he seems insensitive at times. He says just because he doesn't show me he cares about me, doesn't mean he doesn't like me. He is also married and has 2 kids. I want to end the affair, but now I am too deep into it. I can't get him out of my mind, I feel sad all the time. I wish I never met him and never got involved with him, but it happened. Love is something people don't have control over. I want to end the affair, but I know if I do, I will forever be depressed and sad. Please help! I don't know what to do. I cry myself to sleep at night. I know it's not fair for my husband either, because he is a good man. I know what I have done is absolutely wrong, but I never anticipated falling in love with another man.

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Boy...we are all the same, aren't we? We say the most ridiculous things. And we honestly believe them! This isn't judgement, Sad, I'm just as guilty. Why is it that we women can't be physical with someone without ultimately believing we loooooove them? I mean, you're talking about a guy that you don't know even likes you, definitely doesn't love you, yet you can't get him out of your mind. Boy, are we ever foolish. Honey, listen up. Your husband does not know anything about this and never has to. Do what I didn't do. Stop this nonsense before you lose everything. My H and I are now separated because of all of this. If I had stopped it long before I did, I wouldn't be in this position right now. Please, if not for yourself, do it for your husband. Run, run like the wind.
Silly
Life is about choices. Nobody else makes that ultimate decision except you.
It will be extremely difficult letting go, but do it. Your family deserves better.
Please don't say that you will be forever depressed. If you work at it, you will be able to conquer anything you set your mind to.
Please do the right thing.
sadgirl, don't take this personally, but that is a load of crap. You just are still ensconced in the affair-fog so you can't see that yet. You definitely had control over whether or not you acted on your attraction to a stranger on the bus. I am not being judgemental, I have been there myself. But I have learned so much since I ended my A 10 months ago.
Please read the "Beyond Betrayal" article below in the Single OW/OM section... What you are thinking is love right now is more likely "addiction." You are in love with the way this man's attention makes you feel. You are addicted to the excitement and the flattery of being attractive to someone new, the thrill of doing something taboo, the fantasy. But that is all it is, a fantasy. You are not living with this guy every day, seeing him in the bathroom, listening to him snore, sharing a family and a home and financial responsibilities, seeing him at his worst... It is not real love. You have that at home.
<< I want to end the affair, but I know if I do, I will forever be depressed and sad.>>
How will you feel if you DON'T end the affair, your H finds out, and you are left alone and pining for a married man who doesn't even love you??? Every affair must eventually come to an end, and it is never pretty!!!! Trust me, I know how bad it feels in the beginning, but if you end this on your terms before anyone gets hurt, you *WILL* survive and you *WILL* get over your sadness. Living like this, in guilt and insecurity, is NOT happiness. You already admit that you feel "sad all the time." It can only get better.
I am 10-months post-affair. It was a long-term (5+ years) affair. I could not see at the time how my own sense of peace and happiness was being compromised. Now I am finally free, I finally understand that the real love of my life is my husband, and I finally am at peace! It can be done! That is why I keep coming to this board, to help others to find the same peace! It is SO much better to be off the roller coaster of addiction!!!
Good luck!!
What Maybekati has said to you here is so very true. Read her posting over and over again if you need to, but she is right.
I have been married over 20 years and have ended my 3 year A It has been ended now for more than two months and I am now back in control of my life rather than having XMM controling it.
Everything that has been said is right on the mark. What you are feeling is not love. It is the excitement of the forbiden, the excitement of feeling desired, of feling special to someone, and in most of our cases just plain lust too. If you really work at it, you can get these things back in your marriage. The one thing I am eternally grateful for is that I didn't sacrafice my good stable marriage for what I was feeling at the beginning of the A. It would have been the worst mistake I ever made in my life. Please end it now and be very careful. What you are feeling as far as misery and pain will only get worse if you don't get out now.
Work on your marriage, either with professional counseling, or through good communication with your H. You will be surprised how he might respond if you reach out to him rather than your MM with whom you know there is no future.
IP
I'm so sorry you're goind thru this. I have experienced some of the same things. I was happily married for 2 years (together for 8) when I got involved in my A. My H is a truly good man. I was shocked when I crossed the line w/MM. And then after crossing it, I thought it would only be physical too, but sadly that's not the way I'm wired either. I agree with the other posters that said how the affair fog makes it seem like love, but that we don't really even know these guys. I believe that we can't control how we feel (i.e. who we fall in love with), but I do agree that we can control whether we act on it or not.
My H knows about my A and it has completely devastated him. He has made the decision to stay with me, but he's so depressed anymore that it tears me up inside. I don't know if this helps, but imagine seeing and knowing the pain that you personally caused the one person who has committed himself to you, seeing it day in and day out in his eyes. Imagine how tortured his soul would be, always wondering why - was he not loving enough, good enough, smart enough, attractive enough for you. That's what it would be like for a very very long time. That is, of course, assuming he is willing to stay with you. On the flip side, you could lose this "perfect husband" for a MM who doesn't love you.
I know how excruitatingly painful it is to think about never seeing or being with MM again, but I'm learning that it is even more painful to realize that you hurt and perhaps lost the "perfect husband."
Best of luck, Blue-Eyed
End your A for the good of all involved, especially yourself!
I was having a terrible time yesterday--it's only been a couple weeks of NC for me.
So I wrote out a bunch of reminders for me and for all of us really. Go to the thread from yesterday
called "Tough Day" -- maybe that will help you a small bit.
It does get better each day :-)
goodluck!
i was in an a for 1 year we were friends for three. i thought it would never end but it did. the pain you go through in the end is incredible just read the board. the pain is not worth it.
you like me have to hang on to what we have which is real. we turn to A to fill a void we have in our lives. the excitement is incredible but like a drug it consumes you little by little and you become dependent on the drug and you no longer have control of yourself.
stop now..while it is still easy to move on.
What everybody has said here is so true. I hope that you really listen and take it all to heart. If you go to the "My Affair Support" board, you'll find a variety of posts. A lot of them are all hearts and flowers. What lingerie to wear when meeting OM, etc. But give it time, I guarantee that at some point, those same posters will be over here on this board. I am a perfect example. Not that long ago, I would post on that board. I would go up to the coffee shop by my house and use the computers up there because I didn't want my H to see me. Fast forward two months, and what do you have? I'm living away from my H. I don't need to hide anything now. Lucky me. I would give anything to go back to last May when the A started and do it over. It was an incredibly self-destructive and bad decision. And not because my OM isn't an enjoyable person to spend time with. Believe me, I enjoyed being with him. I felt special and alive and excited and everything everyone else feels. At first. Eventually, though, other feelings start to creep in. You begin to take stock of yourself, and it isn't fun. All the lying and sneaking around that you have to do in order to maintain such a relationship takes it's toll. By nature, I'm not a particularly dishonest person. But you have to be in order to even do what you're doing. You try and tell yourself that you're just being "free". No, you're not. If you were truly being free, you'd let the one you love know what you are doing so that THEY have a choice in the matter. It gets hard, after awhile, to look yourself in the mirror. You are having your cake and eating it too, and it's not fair to anyone, including yourself.
On the flipside, at a year into the deal, actually about 6 months, you start to see the OM in a new light as well. The little things start popping up. You're supposed to meet, but his wife needs him to do something and he doesn't call until two days later to tell you this. Your birthday comes, and you get nothing from him, not even a phone call, because his wife is going to have a baby any day (yes, that did happen). You haven't seen him for weeks, and when you do, he just wants to get right at it. You start to see things for what they really are. An affair, though there ARE feelings involved and shared times and whatnot, is basically based on sex when you really look at it. My OM and I never even went on a "date". He never spent a dime on me. Not that this is a big deal, but I sure spent some money on him. I just wish that I could take a snapshot of what this last year has been like and show you what's in store. Yes, your OM is different than my OM. But the situation is the same. Lying and cheating and sneaking around.
I really hope for you that you can end this now before it goes any further. You'll be better for it, believe me and everyone else.
Take care.
Silly
Hi! This is sadgirl37 and I just wanted to let you all know who responded to my posting that you really made a difference for me. I feel ashamed for what I did and that I hurt my husband. He doesn't know about my affair though and I don't think I will ever tell him, because that would mean the end of my marriage, while my lover would get on with his life. I was afraid to post my message, because I didn't want people to point fingers at me that it's my fault and that I am dumb for getting myself into this mess. Yes, I admit it, I should NEVER have started it on the first place. I don't know what made me to do so. Maybe it was lust, the forbidden and excitement of sneaking into a Motel and having passionate love making. My husband and I are happy and have a great marriage. I didn't have this affair because I wasn't happy. Maybe the attention this other man gave me, that got it all started. I am 31 years old, still very attractive, but maybe the fact that there comes a time in a woman's life that we feel that as you get older no one looks at you anymore. I have been married for almost 10 years now and dated my husband 2 years before we got married. Everyone tells us how great our marriage is and that we are the role model couple. I do believe that, but when my lover noticed me, it made me feel so alive. I know he doesn't love me, because the way he acts around me. I also feel guilty, because he has a wife at home who knows nothing about this whole thing either, not to mention his 2 kids. He has lied to me from the beginning, which also made me realize that he is no good. He knew I was married, however he told me that he only had a girlfriend but that they weren't serious. So, for weeks he made up lies about his "so-called" girlfriend, until he finally admitted to me that he is indeed married and has 2 kids. He still had the nerve to tell me, this doesn't change anything between us though. This whole week, I felt depressed and sad. I try not to show it because my husband will know something is up. But at nights I cry myself to sleep. At work I can't concentrate, etc. I wrote my lover a 2 page letter yesterday expresssing all the things I feel and have gone through. I will give him this letter tomorrow, letting him know it's over between us. I feel hurt and confused. I know I will miss him and it will be hard to move on. Thank you all for listening to my story and for your support. It DID help me! Wish me luck tomorrow!
like you my husband did not find out about my A. i feel guilty about what i have done and about not telling him. but he does not need to know.
in life we make decisions and sometimes we make mistakes. we must learn from the mistakes and not do it again.
i have been having a hard time putting om behind. i have spoken with a priest since i have no one to talk to. he advised me not to tell my dh. he told me sometimes you have to outweigh the wrong and in this case we would do more harm by telling.
i guess we have to take the A as an experience. one that we learned from.
it was also an opportunity to feel sexual and wanted again.
now i have to put it behind me and go on...for everyones sake.
if you get a chance read the article posie posted. i have kids and that article really touched me because i dont want to hurt them. i made a promse to my dh and to my kids and i have to keep that promise for them. i cant be selfish and just think about what i want today because it may not be what i want tomorrow.
an affair really places you in a different world. a fantasy world that takes over you.
i am trying to be stron. i dont know how i will feel tomorrow but i feel pretty good today and i have kept my no contact.
venting in this board has also helped me out a lot.
thanks to all.
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