Having an affair. Need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Having an affair. Need help!
48
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:02pm
Please help me! I am a happily married woman for the past 10 years now. My husband is the perfect husband anyone can have, however, I fell in love with another man and started an affair about 2 months ago. I thought it was only physical attraction at first, but now it has turned into more than that. I love him! He tells me he cares about me, however, I don't believe him. He doesn't show it and he seems insensitive at times. He says just because he doesn't show me he cares about me, doesn't mean he doesn't like me. He is also married and has 2 kids. I want to end the affair, but now I am too deep into it. I can't get him out of my mind, I feel sad all the time. I wish I never met him and never got involved with him, but it happened. Love is something people don't have control over. I want to end the affair, but I know if I do, I will forever be depressed and sad. Please help! I don't know what to do. I cry myself to sleep at night. I know it's not fair for my husband either, because he is a good man. I know what I have done is absolutely wrong, but I never anticipated falling in love with another man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 6:37pm
Dear Sad--

Think twice before you give him a letter to end it. Do you know for sure where the letter will go after that? And re-read the content before you hand it over.

Best of luck :-)

Free since 9/04

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 12:37pm
I am a wreck!!!! Couldn't break off the affair. I was planning for today to tell him, but I just couldn't do it. Plus, what's worst, it was my lover's birthday this week and I got him a present. I was up all night, in my bed crying last night. I saw my lover this morning and got so weak, I just couldn't break it off. I can't stop seeing him. I went home last night from work and was miserable. Miserable, because I thought about breaking off my affair, but then I will never see him again. My husband is a good man, I don't know why I am like this. He loves me, and I love him. But my lover is also a big part of my life right now. I almost broke down yesterday and told my husband what's going on. I felt confused, depressed. Seeing my lover this morning, just lit my heart up. Maybe it's the excitement I am getting out of this. I don't know!? Stuff I do with my lover, I don't do with my husband at home. I tried doing things, like putting on lingerie for my husband, but it's just not the same. There is no excitement in it for me. The sex between us is great, always have been, however, when I do things with my lover it's 10x more exciting. Why is that? I don't think it's lust. I never felt this way when I first met my husband, or any men before him. I am so confused right now, I can't think straight....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 12:56pm
Sad

That preditor is not part of your life he is part of a fantasy world and it is a self distructive fantasy world that will consume you like a cancer, do you think he will really care when your real life is destroyed NOT on bit, because if he had even one little bit of real love or caring for you HE WOULD END IT TO PROTECT YOU.

Read the post below about addictive relationships because that is what your in, you are addicted to the emotional highs and your own brain chemicals, addictions are distructive by there nature and this one will destroy you and your family if you do not start to fight it now.

Harsh but true

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 2:29pm
Sad,

You are still caught up in the addiction. That's why you are having physical reactions when you see him. Of course the sex is more exciting when you're with him. It's fantasy! I guarantee, if your lover was in your husband's place, with all the history behind you, you'd be feeling the same way about him. Once the newness fades, everything loses their intensity. You have two choices. One is that you can ride this out and hope, HOPE that your H never finds out about it and it destroys your life with him, which it will if he does find out. Or you can gather up every ounce of strength you have and end this thing with him. Learn from us that have experienced the tornado. It's NOT worth it in the end. Your life as you've known it with your H will end. You will be feeling COMPLETELY different when it does. The sparkle for "Mr. Wonderful" will fade instantly. You'll be ashamed and remorseful and wish you had never taken this path. And this is from someone who never thought she'd feel that way about OM. Believe me, I feel it and then some.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 4:18pm
I DID IT! He called me just now and I had the courage to END it. We will try and stay friends. Maybe some of you will say that's not a good idea. But I actually feel good about this. He sounded disappointed when I told him this, but I feel good that I had the courage to tell him what I did. I don't know how I feel tomorrow, when reality kicks in. I still want him in my life as a friend. I think maybe that's what's meant to be between us on the first place, just to be friends and not lovers. I feel so good now. I am gonna go home to my husband and go out to a romantic dinner. It will be my secret celebration. Thank you all for your support. I read some of your postings, who have been going through the same thing as me, over and over and I think that's what helped me. I can't believe how some of our stories are almost identical. I was weak at first by not telling my lover that it's over. Maybe I am going through an episode in my life and finally coming to my senses. My affair was very brief (2 months) and maybe this had to happen like this to find my inner-self. Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 4:27pm
Sad

Congratulations on your courage and wisdom in saying it is over.

Good luck with the friend thing, I think your going to learns some hard lessons from the attempt about yourself but also about XMM and his real motivations and attitudes toward you, in short I expect you to learn that he NEVER WAS A REAL FRIEND and that there friendship to keep. But you going to do what your going to do so we will be here when your ready to do what your going to have to if you want to save your marriage from this man.


GOOD LUCK

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 4:49pm
Hey, sad, I wanted to add my 2 cents, having been involved in an A. for over 12 years. I must be an incredibly slow learner (LOL) but I am just now starting to realize that what I felt for my OM. was not love. Reading all the posts and different articles here and seeing how similar our stories are, I realize now that what I thought was love couldn't possibly be. It was never a real relationship-we never spent more than a few hours at a time together, never saw each other sick or at our worst, never went through any big life events together, etc. I realize now that was part of the appeal, I'm not familiar with his bathroom habits, etc. so I was able to really romanticize things and make them much nicer than they actually were. Also, I always felt tremendous guilt about betraying my H. but often felt overcome by lust so I think over time, I convinced myself that I was "in love", so that made it much less ugly and sordid in my mind. Now I'm realizing that as intimate as I felt we were, we have never spent enough time together for us to truly know each other and I was living out a fantasy. The smartest thing for you to do is to get out of it now, before you waste years of your life on it. Regretably, I seem to be slowly working toward ending mine, rather than a fast, clean break but maybe that's not so surprising when you consider how long I was in it. I don't know your situation but I have been learning alot about myself and my relationship with my H., some of it very painful and I would say almost all of it going back to childhood, that's been making me realize why I went into and still am in the A. Ironically, I was in IC for many years and was never able to get out of it what I've learned from this board in the past few weeks. I'd encourage you to continue visiting the board, at least and maybe look into other help as well. Believe me, there's alot more going on inside you than what you described in your post and if you don't start to deal with it, you'll either continue this A. or go into another one. I hope I haven't offended you, I would just hate to see someone else blow as many years as I have and you're right at the beginning and can still get out. Good luck to you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 5:31pm
Sad,

Congratulatons! Now stick with it! There will be times, even today, where you will second guess it. There will be times when you're mad at your H or bored or feeling depressed or lonely or whatever, and the temptation will be to go right back into it. Give yourself time to ride it out. If I had done that, I never would have gone back. But I'd start feeling discomfort and go back. I never gave myself more than a couple of weeks after ending it, and I tried to end it several times. If I had just ridden out those feelings and concentrated more on my H, I wouldn't be sitting here today separated from him and feeling so horrible about myself. Stay strong, and when you start thinking about being with again, remember that it's just the siren song of your addiction to the feelings that this A gave you. Nothing more. He may try to contact you. Resist. I know you think you can be friends with him, and maye in time you can, who knows, but I wouldn't even go down that path either. Too tempting. It would be like a drug addict keeping a little bag of cocaine in the house. Or an alcoholic stopping into the bar on the way home just to see old friends. If you hang around the barbershop long enough, eventually you'll get a haircut.

Good luck. Stay strong! Don't give in to temptation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:02pm
Dear Sad and Mefree....

Wow...this phrase made all the sense in the world to me:

((Ironically, I was in IC for many years and was never able to get out of it what I've learned from this board in the past few weeks. ))

I too feel like a slow learner. I felt like what I had was special, but the story is the same. I have saved myself so much time and trouble by reading your posts and the posts of others.

And Posie--you keep right on posting, girl! I saw the discussion about you and PG on the affair support board today (went there for the first time and for some reason read only that thread). I am learning so much from everyone's opinions and viewpoints and experiences and I am months ahead in my thought process from where I would have been otherwise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 10:36am
>>>If you hang around the barbershop long enough, eventually you'll get a haircut.


LOVE IT!



Made me laugh, well said!!!

m. x