Having an affair. Need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Having an affair. Need help!
48
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:02pm
Please help me! I am a happily married woman for the past 10 years now. My husband is the perfect husband anyone can have, however, I fell in love with another man and started an affair about 2 months ago. I thought it was only physical attraction at first, but now it has turned into more than that. I love him! He tells me he cares about me, however, I don't believe him. He doesn't show it and he seems insensitive at times. He says just because he doesn't show me he cares about me, doesn't mean he doesn't like me. He is also married and has 2 kids. I want to end the affair, but now I am too deep into it. I can't get him out of my mind, I feel sad all the time. I wish I never met him and never got involved with him, but it happened. Love is something people don't have control over. I want to end the affair, but I know if I do, I will forever be depressed and sad. Please help! I don't know what to do. I cry myself to sleep at night. I know it's not fair for my husband either, because he is a good man. I know what I have done is absolutely wrong, but I never anticipated falling in love with another man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 1:49pm
Good luck. It was when my wife was trying to maintain the friendship I found out. We are past that now, but it was rough at first. Trying to maintain a friendship in a sitution about an alcoholic who decides to be a social drinker. Ain't gone to happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 7:26pm
Well, most of you who said the friendship I tried to maintain with my lover ain't gonna work, you were right!!!! He called me on Sunday morning. I thought it was my husband, but before I looked at my caller i.d. it was him. We talked. He told me he missed me and he sounded very sincere. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him since we last talked. I thought about him every minute of the day since Friday. So, we saw each other today and of course we both couldn't resist. We are back to where we were. I thought a lot about over the weekend. It's either nothing or everything. Nothing - no contact with him at all, and I would never ever talk, or see him again. Everything - we keep on doing what we've been doing. I just can't stop seeing him. I know if we stay friends the temptation would still be there and we would end up together again, (like it happened today). But if I never see, or talk to him again, that would drive me insane. Now, I am beyong confused! It is like a drug. Can't stop it! I wanna be with him. I know he will never be mine, but I still want him. To Sillyme! You were right. "If you hang around the barbershop long enough, you WILL get a haircut." Well, I did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 7:41pm

Hugs, Sadgirl.


I'm sorry you have to go through this. I know those feelings of "can't live with him, can't live without him" can be torture. But you said it in your post..."I know he will never be mine, but I still want him." You kow the answer. He will never be yours. As much as it hurts, it's very true. Given that the only choices you have are everything or nothing, there really is only one decision that will eventually allow you to live your life. It HAS TO BE NOTHING!!!! Yes, it hurts terribly. I know!! But it will not hurt forever. You are in withdrawal, and unfortunately that is an ugly reality of ending an affair. The only way to get through it is to have no contact. You will hurt, you will absolutely crave him so badly you can taste him, and you will get depressed...but there is a silver lining! One day the fog will lift and you will walk through those doors (that are open for you already, to borrow a great analogy from Posie) with your head up and your life intact. You will finally be able to enjoy your life and your REAL loved ones again. When you are in the affair, it's just impossible to see things clearly. You must end it to gain any perspective at all. No contact is not easy, but it works. If you continue to see him, you are dishonoring yourself and the significant others involved. He will never be able to give you 100%, and why should you ever settle for less? As you said, he will never be yours. So now's the time to take action and stop settling. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I PROMISE! I wish I had stuck to it the first time I ended things. It got exponentially worse every time I caved.


Post here when you get sad, or face withdrawal symptoms. We are here for you!


Wishing you the best!

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 10:35pm
Sad

It may help you to understand what your craving for his not XMM but the emotional and bio- chemical HIGH that you are getting by the triggering of you fight or flight response, when it is triggered by the tensions and excitment of planning to sneak off to see him many chemicals are released into the blood stream that give a real hight the same way cocain does, you have associated the High feelings with the man but it is not the man at all.

If you were to leave your husband and live with him the trigger is removed you would find yourself with the cravings for a period of time but XMM would not be able to satisfy them anymore with out the secrecy and danger that comes with the affair.

This is an addiction and like all addictions it will destroy the addicted person in time and may damage the people that are close to them, it is truly a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

NO CONTACT enforced by YOU is the only way to begin breaking the hold the addiction has on you, when you are truly clear and free of it you will see it for the unhealthy thing that it is, you will find that you can get your wants and needs met in a healthy way in side your marriage.

For the cheating married men in many cases it is about getting a POWER RUSH by having sextual control of another mans wife, some times it is as much about screwing over her husband as it is her, LOVE no way AFFAIRS are not about healthy genuine love.

Jmho

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 5:13am
Dear sad,

this as an answer to your last post in this thread: So sorry you have to go through all this (and again...).

The one advice I would give you now is to read right through this board, any entry, archives, all. Don't stop reading until you see the patterns, which are so clear and so much the same, however different the situation of the affairs may be.

At the start you may think (like I did): "No, that's not me, that doesn't apply to

MY affair - we are different, the thing we have is on higher ground..." But as you read on and on, you will slowly find out (like I did, too) that your's IS just the same and you will have to go JUST THE SAME painful way to end it, suffer setbacks, get back to your own self and life.

Because end it will - all affairs do. And those which don't end will never be without suffering.

First, you will not want to realise that truth - I know I didn't want to!

Then, you'll want to hang on to the good times, maybe want to hang on to your pain (because that's what will still connect you to your "love"). Facing the facts and letting go of such a grand illusion is one of the hardest, most disappointing and sobering tasks on women's agenda, I think, and most of us are working so hard on it.



You will have to take a good look on your marriage, your own life, and see what exactly it was that made you want to break out, take such a high risk.

And you will have to find a remedy, find new contentment in your marriage. Really work things out; because what you're doing at the moment (i.e., having an affair) is just glossing over/ pushing aside the REAL issues you have to address. Something in your life is not right, there is a void (could be just boredom or s.th. more serious) that you fill with the affair now - not a very good way, rather a dead-end, as you are starting to see...

I'm not saying the only way to act now is to stick to your marriage/get divorced/leave your lover etc. -- I'm saying the only way you can become truly content/happy is to find out the truth about yourself, your needs and wishes. No easier way, no shortcuts, no alternative route here.



I myself have still quite a journey before me to get there. And the road is different for each of us, there is not one magical formula, no witches charm to apply. IN the affairs, we all (have to) take similar roads. It's when we end it, that we become individuals again, and hopefully find again our strength and wonderful personalities to deal with our really important, crucial issues.

Most likely it will be a long way, and the price (which you can't see now, but can anticipate, having it spelt out in a lot of boards here)you have to pay for your confusion is SO, SO high. All of us who have been through it, know about it.

So, read all and think first before you continue the affair: Are you really prepared to pay that price? Maybe lose your husband? Certainly lose your affair someday? Lose yourself, let your work suffer? What about the kids involved??

This man may be a devil or in essence a nice guy, or both. You may be just weak or desperate for something you're missing in your life, or both. The feelings of guilt you have are useful, because they point you in the right direction - but don't get wrecked by continually thinking about the "mortal sin" you have committed (you have not; you just lost your way): You have MUCH better/more needed use for your energies right now.



None of us are here to point a finger at you - we're all here because we have (whether out of desperation or sensible reasoning, that doesn't matter) pointed a finger at ourselves. Trying to come to grips with our doings, the heartbreaks, cavings-in, the new roads some of us are on already. And we're trying to help others so maybe they don't have to fall as rock-bottom-deep as some of us had to.

Good luck with your decisions and finding the right way for yourself,

M.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 2:11pm
Well, since last Friday when I said it was over, we're back together again. I saw him Monday morning and we got intimate. I don't know why I can't stop. I love being with him. I was reading some of the articles on this web site about why women cheat and came to realize that maybe the passion is gone from my marriage. Maybe I am bored at home. Maybe I am not in love with my husband anymore. I don't know!? These are all questions I can't seem to find an answer to. I also read that women who cheat and try to end the affair, should focus on their life with their husband and try to bring back the missing link. I tried many times to do the things with my husband as I do with my lover, i.e. putting on lingerie, dancing for him before making love, etc. It's just not the same with my husband anymore. I really don't know what's going on with me!? I am hurting myself and I feel guilty about what I am doing. My husband still doesn't know a thing, however, I am sure he can sense that I've been acting different lately. After all, we've been together 12 years, so when I have something on my mind it does show. I don't know how much longer I can take it though. Maybe it would be easier if my lover broke off the affair. Then it would be easier for me to move on. I am too weak to break it off. I tried and then he called and I just caved in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 6:35pm
Sad

When

you get caught this whole compulsion will vanish like smoke but then it may be to late to save anything at all.

I strongly suggest that you get into counceling there is something wrong that you may not be able to deal with alone, there is good help out there if you want it.

Keep posting and reading we will not give up on you, even if you do.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 7:09pm
hey there Sad--

I was totally where you are! I was so into that XMM. But it wasn't real and it couldn't ever be a real relationship. Deep down I knew that all along.

I agree with Free -- get some counseling. You have expressed such mixed feelings on this board--I think a big part of you wants to end it, but you are still hooked on the "high" Most of us had that same feeling and it sucks to know you need to make it go away.

I said this to someone earlier today on this board -- it's really hard to see your H and your marriage clearly if you are looking at it through the lenses of the rose colored glasses supplied by your A. You need to have a period of NC while you get counseling. Maybe you will end up leaving your H -- but it should be because it's the right thing for you, not because your A is clouding up your normally clear vision.

Sad, I feel your pain. It's only been two weeks of NC for me and I still get those urges. But then I come here :-)

Hang in there kiddo!

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 12:13pm
MM called again this morning. I just couldn't resist and answered his call. I know this whole A is messing me us inside. I try to be cool when I am at home with H and not letting my emotions get in the way. I am sure H knows something is different about me. I DON'T want to leave my husband. I DO love him! Maybe I am not in love with him, but I still love him. We have been together 12 years and up until now I could never ever imagine that I cheat on him. We have been through a lot together. I think something is definitely wrong with me though. I mean, maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis, even though I am only 31 years old. I feel like I am getting old and one day no one will look at me anymore. I think in every woman's life we have this feeling when we reach a certain age. It's usually when you are in your 40's. I just don't know anymore. I know one day I will break down in tears and do something really stupid. I really appreciate all the feedback I get from everyone on this board. I wish I could turn back time and just get back to before the affair started. Deep inside I do want to end the affair, but I still want to be friends with MM. I know that it's impossible though. The temptation will still be there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:03pm
Dear Sad: I read thru this thread and wanted to jump in in response to your last post. You mentioned at least twice that someday you will get old and no one will look at your anymore. Please think this over. Why do you care whether anyone is looking at you now or ever???? This may be a key to why you feel so unable to end this A once and for all. You're clearly getting something out of it, and it may be related to your self-esteem.

I ended my A about 8 months ago, and every once in a while I have to jump up on my soapbox and and preach about the void. I firmly believe that we all enter into affairs because we have a void, and something about the A fills that void. It's really that simple. But when we look outside of ourselves to fill the void, the satisfaction is temporary and will never last.

The only effective way to get yourself out of this mess is figure out what you're "getting" from this A and try to find it in a healthier, safer manner.

In the meantime, don't look at "never" seeing your XMM again or the A being over "forever." Just think about not having any contact with him TODAY. I'm a recovering addict and that's how we manage giving up drugs. We never talk about doing it forever, we just believe that we're not going to use any drugs TODAY. Forever is way to big of a commitment for anyone. I've been drug and alcohol free for 2 years and my A has been over for 8 months. And I've accomplished both One Day At A Time.

Give it a try. And keep posting here. As the previous posters said, you will get more here than from individual therapy! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10