Having an affair. Need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Having an affair. Need help!
48
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:02pm
Please help me! I am a happily married woman for the past 10 years now. My husband is the perfect husband anyone can have, however, I fell in love with another man and started an affair about 2 months ago. I thought it was only physical attraction at first, but now it has turned into more than that. I love him! He tells me he cares about me, however, I don't believe him. He doesn't show it and he seems insensitive at times. He says just because he doesn't show me he cares about me, doesn't mean he doesn't like me. He is also married and has 2 kids. I want to end the affair, but now I am too deep into it. I can't get him out of my mind, I feel sad all the time. I wish I never met him and never got involved with him, but it happened. Love is something people don't have control over. I want to end the affair, but I know if I do, I will forever be depressed and sad. Please help! I don't know what to do. I cry myself to sleep at night. I know it's not fair for my husband either, because he is a good man. I know what I have done is absolutely wrong, but I never anticipated falling in love with another man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:24pm
HI MAYBE

What you said at the end, You finally found peace. I am only 1 month post A and as much as it hurt to end it,I do feel that sence of peace like a tun of bricks where lifted off my shoulders, and I realized the same thing the true love of my life is my Hubby. My A lasted 3.5 years. I have been a little sad and have had 2 minor set backs because I lost a good friend. Ending it taught me my family is my world and I pray god gives me the chance to make up for the awful behavior I displyed for 3.5 years. H never found out about A. I pray he never does because I will loose the true person I love....

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 7:54pm
Sad

Many women go through what can only be called a mini mid life crisis between 29 and 32, what you have discribed about how your feeling seems to fit the pattern very well, so that is how you got itto this.

Something you have to accept is that this cheating married man is not you friend, a real friend would not have taken advantage of you in a time of weakness and that is what he has done.

A real friend would not have involved you in Lieing, cheating and sneaking around, real friends do what is good for you they do not USE YOU to satisfy there own LUST, this man is not you friend at all is is just a lieing USER plain and simple.

A real friend would not put your family at risk for any reason, you have put his family at risk as well so your not his friend either, there is no friendship to save, there is nothing healthy enough here to call a friendship, sorry but that is the truth as I see it.

Love changes and matures as a couples marriage gets along in years this is normal, the love that lasts for 60 years of marriage is not the same high feeling you have the first few years, if it was no marriage or family would last very long.

Sad were going to help you get through this, your going to make it back to the real world.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:18pm
I am on the edge of a nervous breakdown!!!!!! MM broke off the affair. At least that's what I think is happening. I haven't spoke to him since Friday. Everything was great on Friday. I didn't sense anything wrong. I called him on Sunday thinking he was at work. He didn't pick up, so I left him a voicemail. He called back 2 hours later and left me this totally "I don't want nothing to do with you anymore" kind of voice message. Fine. I called him this morning (that was 3 hours ago) and it went right to voicemail. I called him back again crying to please give me a call. Still nothing. I haven't stopped crying since. I try not to lose it, because I am at work, plus my husband called me not too long ago and I tried not to show my emotions to him over the phone. However, I am at the edge of a nervous breakdown. I told one of my co-workers what happened, because she saw me crying and I just couldn't hold it back anymore. I don't want to live. This has taken a toll on my life, my heart and my soul. I am sitting here at work and can't stop crying. Please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:25pm
Hugs, Sadgirl!

I am so sorry you are going through this. Ending things is tough, no matter who initiates it. It needs to end somehow, as you will not have peace until it's over. Just trust that you WILL get through it and you will survive. It will hurt for a while, but we are all here for you and know how it feels. I wish I had some magic words of advice for you, but you have my support. I'm here when you need me. Try to get through the day by visualizing the good life you want-without the affair. You can do it.

Love,

Lily
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:39pm
Sad...

We all have been where you are. And it sucks, not to put too fine a point on it.

The first 2 weeks after exMM left, I was miserable. Crying, couldn't sleep, felt like somone had a vise grip on my throat. I wanted so badly to be with him.

2 months later, I see what a fool I was. I almost lost my H. I almost got saddled with an emotionally immature man who would never have loved me unconditionally or given me all that I need from a partner. An ex-drug and alcohol addict who has been to jail and through bankruptcy and never finished college b/c he was on a drug bender his last semester. A guy with a vengeful W and a kid who would hate me when she found out.

Wow, I can't IMAGINE why I ever found that scenario appealing!! But that just shows you the extent to which we go to justify our fantasy.

I am 33 and I understand your need to feel attractive. I felt the same way. But its not a justification. Part of being a grownup is accepting that if you are married, you are OFF THE MARKET FOR GOOD. You can't have it both ways.

Sometimes, you have to learn the hard way. We can sit here and tell you our horror stories, but honestly, you're probably going to have to experience it for yourself. Just do the best you can to NOT call him. It will get easier, hour by hour, day by day. I PROMISE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:28pm
Hey Sad,

I am really sorry for your pain right now but I think in your last post you had mentioned that you couldnt bring yourself to end it and maybe you would be better off if he ended it. Maybe that is the blessing in disguise you need?? I know it doesnt seem like it now but I believe things happen for a reason. We cant always make sense of them but you know that it had to end and you seemed so addicted to the "A Drug" that you yourself found yourself caught up with it and struggling to let it go.

I know at this moment it feels like you are going to die. But the reality of it, is your not! It hurts like he--! We all know that feeling but like anything time will help to heal it. I also think you should strongly and quickly consider some counselling to help you through this. You should not do this alone. Talking to someone may help you get through this. None of my business BUT careful sharing this with a co-worker.

I also wish I could say something to make you feel better...but although I know it helps to come here, you also have to figure this out in your own head a bit too. If you are here though, it must mean that deep down you really do want to end this. You just havent figured out how to go about doing that exactly. You are closer than you think. I promise you that.

Pick yourself up. Walk away from your familiar surrounding and go for a walk to clear your mind. Fresh air sometimes does us a world of good. If you like massages - go get one!

xo!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 5:23pm
Sad

Your going to make it out of this all the way and your going to be so glad that you did before it cost you everything that you really value.

It seems like your going to go crazy but your not, Trust me your going to come out of it and your going to be ok, down the road your going to be better then ok because all this pain and crap is going to cause you go grow in ways you may not understand right now.

You need someone you can trust to VENT to, aCounceler is confidential so a better route then someone that may spill the beans, post like crazy here read lots and journal, get out and get regular fresh air don't be afraid to work up a sweat.

We are here for you, your in the prays of many.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 5:35pm
Hey Sad,

I've been out of the A as long as I have been in it now and I can tell you it is getting better. I'm refinding the qualities of my W that make her my one and only. The hardest part right now is knowing the fact I betrayed the one person who trusts me more than anyone in the world. I'm rediscovering my marriage for what it is. I'll never tell my W about it because I know it will do more damage than good. So with that I have to live with it, but that is getting easier as long as I don't revert to my "old ways."

The sex has been lacking in my M and that among other things caused me to stray, but I'm working on that too. It does get better. I just try to rememeber what I have to lose by getting back in a A. I realize if discovered it would put me in a hole much deeper than any hole I have ever been in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 12:22pm
Well, I survived Monday when I had a horrible day. I cried the whole day. I got caught up in a really weird situation. I was going to work in the morning with my husband and we took the same train together to work. MM was on that train too (that's how I met MM on the first place, on the train). So, I was with my husband and MM saw me with him. MM has seen me with H before, but that was before our affair. This time, however, MM felt VERY awkward about the whole situation, seeing me with my H. When I got to work, I called MM (I just couldn't resist), and of course he didn't pick up. Went right to voicemail, so I left him a message. 3 hours have passed by, still no call from him. Then idiot me, I called him AGAIN. Left another voice message. This time my voice was shaken and told him "I sense something is wrong, you are not calling me back..." Finally, after 4 hours, he called. He sounded really weird. I asked him what was wrong and he answer me with a question "What's wrong with YOU (meaning ME)?" I said, nothing. Sounds like something is wrong with YOU though. He finally admitted that seeing me with my husband hurt his feelings. He knew that when we started the A that we were both married, but I guess reality kicked in for him after seeing me with my husband. Then, he made it sound like it was my fault that I purposely wanted him to see me with my H. Huh! We talked less than 2 minutes, when he sort of rushed me off the phone and said that he was going to call me back later so we can discuss this. Of course he didn't call, and once again stupid me, I was the one who called him back later on. We talked, but we didn't really resolve anything. So, since Monday, we've been calling each other, I mean, I call him. I try not to. Every time we talk, he says to me "I'll call you later," but he never does. Then I end up calling him. I stare at my cell phone all day long and when he doesn't call, I call him. What's wrong with me????? I want to turn my cell phone off, but my H also calls me on that, so I can't turn it off. I feel so used and also dumb for not being able to just NOT call MM for once. Why is it that women get caught up in this A cloud and the OM acts like this whole thing is nothing for them???? I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but for men being in an affair, do they care at all, or it's just about sex????? Anyway. Sorry for the long post, I just had to let the steam out....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 12:35pm

Sad

This guy has been treating you like dirt from the word get go not one shread of respect or even real likeing.

The fact that he never returns your calls strongly suggests he would like you to go away and not call again, time to start respecting yourself and stop.

Have you considered individual counciling to get a the root of this whole thing.

Soory to come across hard sounding but you need to take action to protect you and yours in my opinion before you end up paying a big price for this.

Free