Having an affair. Need help!
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Having an affair. Need help!
| Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:02pm |
Please help me! I am a happily married woman for the past 10 years now. My husband is the perfect husband anyone can have, however, I fell in love with another man and started an affair about 2 months ago. I thought it was only physical attraction at first, but now it has turned into more than that. I love him! He tells me he cares about me, however, I don't believe him. He doesn't show it and he seems insensitive at times. He says just because he doesn't show me he cares about me, doesn't mean he doesn't like me. He is also married and has 2 kids. I want to end the affair, but now I am too deep into it. I can't get him out of my mind, I feel sad all the time. I wish I never met him and never got involved with him, but it happened. Love is something people don't have control over. I want to end the affair, but I know if I do, I will forever be depressed and sad. Please help! I don't know what to do. I cry myself to sleep at night. I know it's not fair for my husband either, because he is a good man. I know what I have done is absolutely wrong, but I never anticipated falling in love with another man.

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Dear Free,
Yes, you are right!!!! But I just can't stop. It's like a drug, even though I never did drugs in my life, but it's addicting. I just turned off my cell phone, because I figured if it's not on, I don't have to worry about constantly checking it and if H calls, I'll just have to tell him I was in a meeting at work.
I am very angry with myself for starting the A in the first place. I feel so HURT, USED and BETRAYED!!!!! Plus, this guy is not only playing me, but his wife too. What an a**hole!!!!!
I usually see him on Fridays, because my H goes to work 1 hour before me, so we don't take the train together, however, that's when I see MM alone. So, I decided to take the early train with my H tomorrow and this way I don't have to see MM. Maybe that will put an end to this.
I wanted to end it so many times, but then I get sucked right back into it.
I DO want counseling, but that would require me to go see the counselor and how would I explain that to my H. Plus, it's money, which not that I don't wanna pay, but they aren't cheap to begin with.
Thanks for your reply!
Sadgirl37
Sad
Some companies have benifit programs that will cover 5 6 visits, you could ask in your personal office, that would cover the money part, but if not, most working girls can manage to put a few bucks aside if we want to for our stuff if we want to, a little here a little there.
The reasons are harder to deal with, you could tell him something near the truth such as your not feeling good about yourself maybe having somesort of mini midlife crisis and you would like to talk to a pro about it as it is hard to talk to a man about how a woman feels at certain junctions in life.
I would say it is worth the effort.
Good for you turning your phone off, sometimes we begin with babysteps, but a step is a step. Removing opportunity to see this jerk is a good idea, I think you have begun to escape, you may have some stumbles along the way when they happen just start again don't stomp your self-esteem down.
I had to laugh at the you had hurt his feelings what a bad joke, it may have bugged his EGO but that is about it.
Stay strong
Free
Okay! Here we go again. I made my 2ND ATTEMPT today to break off the A. Let's see how long before I break NC. It's so hard, and I can't even begin to tell anyone how much I am hurt right now.
This whole week has been a roller coaster for me and I think today just did it. On Monday I had a rough day and cried the whole day. MM and I didn't see each other since Monday. Today I saw him and after I got back to work, I called him. We talked less than 2 minutes. While I was on the phone with him, he barely even listened to what I had to say. I could hear his co-workers in the background talking to him and him talking back to them, like I didn't even exist on the phone to him. Great! I asked him "Do you care about me at all????" His answer was quick and spontaneous "Yes, I do", however, it didn't sound sincere. Right after he tells me this, he says "Listen, I gotta go, but I will call you back in 1 hour and we'll talk about THIS more." Of course, he didn't call and once again idiot me, I called him. He tells me he was talking to his W and that's why he didn't call me. Uh, uh! Once again, we barely talked for a minute, when he had to hang up AGAIN. He tells me, he will call me when he gets home.....3 hours later, still no call. I call him again, it goes to voicemail. I didn't leave a message, but at that point I was so pissed and hurt, I just had it. I shut my cell phone off!!!!! When I calmed down, I called him back, but this time I got my strength together and just had to tell him that it's over between us. I cried, of course, I just couldn't hold back anymore. He got angry with me and he even started to raise his voice a little. He kept saying how I don't believe how much he cares about me and that when he says "I like you a lot" to me, it's still not good enough, yadda, yadda. He then tells me that he doesn't show emotions like I do, but that it doesn't mean he doesn't care about me. He also brought up that on Monday when he saw me with my husband when we were on the train together, it hurt him a lot.
So, to make a long story short, I hope this is it for good now. He told me he still wants to see me as a friend and that if I want to call him, I can.
Today is Friday and I hope the weekend coming and I will get my mind off of things, I won't cave in and call him again. I really want this to be over, because I am hurt like crazy inside and I am suffering. I am not happy anymore and I can't even be happy at home because of what I did.
Thanks for listening....I am gonna go now and cry some more :((((
Sad
This will be over for you when you decide it is over for you in your heart of hearts and not before then.
Now this guy may want a BOOTY CALL from time to time but the bottom line is your nothing more to him then that.
The fact that he brought up his wife sure sounds like he is saying don't call me I will call you if I want you.
Sad it's time to restore your dignity and self respect and make the DECISION that your done with this no mater what he says or does.
Free
I cried all the way home on Friday from work. Yesterday I went to a wedding and I could barely have a good time. Kept thinking about MM.
We usually call each other on Sunday morning and now that I haven't talked to him, I am going crazy here.
When we talked on Friday, his last words were if I want to call him, I can. Those words are so tempting now. I want to call him and BAD!!!!!
Help!!!!!
Read your own words here!<<<< I won't cave in and call him again. I really want this to be over, because I am hurt like crazy inside and I am suffering. I am not happy anymore and I can't even be happy at home because of what I did.>>>>
Don't Call that man! I have the book by this name. Do you? Here's an exerpt: "What is the healthy thing to do when you're having a compulsive, irresistible urge to call him?"
FIRST, give yourself permission to experience the tension and your feelings, Tolerate them until they pass---and they will. Feelings are just temporary. That's the trick. To feel those feelings but NOT act them out. The discomfort will drive you to want to call him, because what you want is immediate gratification, from the release of tension. This my dear, is the addiction. It will pass.
Go do something right now, like take a walk, soak in the tub, write in your journal....whatever it takes to get your mind (and hands) away from that phone. In your words! "I REALLY WANT THIS TO BE OVER!" Own them! And KEEP posting!!!
~True~
I feel your pain only mine feels greater since OM told me "it is the right thing to do not to talk with each other". So, while I am tempted to call, I'm afraid his response would send me only deeper into depression. I cannot call today anyway, but tomorrow will be my challenge.
This stinks! I have never done anything so difficult in my life and everything around me looks grim and uninteresting today. Sundays are the longest days. I wish that I could encourage you but am looking for some encouragement myself.
Try and hang in. Let me know how you do and I will do the same tomorrow.
IslandGirl
Then, I cried some more....then I called my husband's best friend....I know, most of you are thinking that's the dumbest/stupidest thing to do. However, this guy is like a brother to me and since I have shared many personal thoughts with him before, I know I can trust him. He actually gave me a lot of good advice, but he was also shocked as to what I have done.
Around 2PM I called MM again, (like I said before, I am going through a nervous breakdown) and he actually picked up the phone. He seems like he's over it, while I am suffering like crazy. He tells me, I think we will stay very good friends, I can feel it and it's gonna be great. It's like these men feel no remorse about the whole A. Oh, for them, it's like "been there, done that" kind of thing, now let's move on.
Here I was on the phone, crying my brains out (I haven't stopped crying in days) to this heartless MM. He's probably getting on with his life, and probably gonna have another affair and destroy another woman's life.
I am definitely gonna seek counseling this week, because I am at my last straw. I even had suicidal thoughts (although I would never do it), but at one point I thought I rather be dead, than suffer more pain.....
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