Having all kinds of mixed emotions

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Having all kinds of mixed emotions
2
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 12:29pm
I am having all kinds of mixed emotions and feelings since my divorce became final today. I couldn't wait for it to be over so I could tell ex-OM. Now I don't even care to tell him. I don't even know for sure that I would end up with ex-OM. I just wanted to be able to tell him that I was free. Now I don't plan to tell him anything. He can see it in the newspaper. It's not that I don't still love ex-OM, because I do. It's just not that important to me now to rush out and tell him that I am free. I really don't feel free. I just want time alone to think about all of this. My past EMA ruined my marriage. There were already problems in the marriage, but then I went and got involved in this EMA and I fell head over heels for ex-OM six years ago and I have never been able to get over him. Instead of getting out of the EMA and fixing my marriage, I let the EMA ruin my marriage. Husband and I might have ended up divorced anyway, but I do know that my EMA contributed greatly to the downfall of my marriage. I am just very sad right now. I hope this will be a lesson to anyone thinking about an affair. It will destroy your life, not just yours, your whole family. It is not worth the pain that it causes. Like I said, I do love ex-OM very much, but it still doesn't take away the pain that I have caused others. I have to live with this for the rest of my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 12:37pm
((southerngirl)) your feelings are very understandable. Get through the initial stage of grieving before you go worrying about XOM. Take care of YOURSELF for now! I am a big believer in if that is meant to be, it will be. For now, your focus belongs on yourself!

((MORE HUGS))

K.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 12:54pm
Dear Southerngirl:

I know how you feel as I was divorced in July after 22 yrs of marriage. My exH is still very angry and the kids are doing as well as can be expected but they hurt too. It is hard to live with the guilt over what I did to others.

I just live in one day and with God's help make it through. We are going to have to forgive ourselves and just do the best we can today. It takes a long time to heal from this. It sucks to be the bad guy in your own and everyone else's eyes.

But it can't stay sad forever--we have many many years left to live. All we can do is walk on the right path today. Someday, I hope, my exMM will be just a small blip on the screen of my long life. I have to take responsibility for my life today and for my choices. I can't blame him. Sometimes I think I want him because I am so frightened of the challenges of living alone and taking care of myself in every way and the unknown of whether I will ever be with someone again. But I think this is a hard lesson I was supposed to learn.

I did not land softly after my affair, I jumped off a cliff and took my whole family down with me and exMM was not there and I smashed hard!! Hey--but there is nowhere to go from here but up.

I support you today. Tomorrow will be better.

Survive