having a bad day
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 06-21-2004 - 7:32pm |
Then there is my recently D man who just broke my heart 2 weeks ago. I helped him thorugh his D over the past 6 months and was there for him. We have been together for over 20 years and in an affair for almost the past 4 years. We were always best friends so it was easy to be there for him. I guess I did not realize all that was going on. He wanted to get together so much-- I just figured we had the rest of our lives to be together. We live 1000 miles apart and had not seen each other in 15 months. The suddenness of the ending is what is so hard to take. We all go through that panic phase-- this can't be happening to me. Then for me I realized very quickly to protest and rant and rave would just push him away further. I am really lonely right now and I wish he was there for me to talk to like I was for him. But although he may talk to me- it will clearly be different and I can't handle that yet.
I guess I am still not able to understand how someone can love you for so long and then over literally a matter of weeks- just give up and close the door. How can that be love? Love never gives up or at least it is the last resort to give up. Everything I think and feel tells me he loved me; he tells me how much he loved me and that he meant everything he ever said...(clearly he couldn't because he said he would never leave me and would work at us etc...). I miss the incredible poems he wrote where he spelled out how he felt. I miss my friend who I confided in and who I thought loved me for who I was. Yet how can you reconcile that love with the idea that they just give up without even giving the relationship a chance-- we were going to be together and finally see if it could work. I am left with- either he loved me and this is insane and makes no sense or what we had was not real- it was a fantasy and it is over. I do not see any other option. You do not give up on love that easily.
I want to hear his voice so much tonight-- it just breaks my heart. Maybe it is me and I do not know what love is...I just want the pain to stop.
tb

Pages
You are so sad today and I feel for you... I really do. Can you get out to see a silly movie? Can you do anything at all where your attention can be diverted? I tried this on Friday and it did help a little for a while. Every little bit helps. Sometimes I put on a fun CD and go exercize... drown it all out.
Im not going to spout on about time healing (although it does) because you need something RIGHT NOW! I tried to research why men do and think as they do and in all my surfing the best I could find was that they think day to day and have an easier time pushing stuff out of their heads... Some life! Most of them are unsure and able to retreat.
Ill check your board several times tonight to check on ya.
Hang in and maybe take a pain killer or something to help you just go to sleep to rest your nerves.....
(((((( HUG))))))))
A part of me wants to call my x now DM and just talk to him about what I am going through with H and family. He wants me to move on and find someone who I can really love and think H is not right for me. I feel so frustrated because I was there for him. Yet I do not want to talk to him when I am feeling like this- not now. In a way his love for me made me realize how bad my M was. We had it all- this incredible friendship, the ability to communicate, to accept each other for who we were and an incredible love and respect for each other...now I think that was just a fantasy. It was not real. How could it be real? I haven't deleted his emails yet. I read some today-- I guess that is what got em going like this. ...2 months ago he sent an email saying "...Just wanted to give you an update but more importantly to say how much of a friend, ally, and supporter you have been to me, how important that has been, and how very much I love you and love you for what you have done and been willing to do for me during this very trying time (too long a sentence). I cannot repay you with anything other than what at this time is a very hot and sexy body for whatever it is worth!, and of course my undying love. I hope (and know) that is enough." I want him to be there for me like I was there for him. It is just not fair.
"I hope you know that it does not matter to me why you and xx do not get along. A part of me really wishes you did get along. I hate to think of you going through what I have been and still am going through. How he feels about you and how you feel about him has nothing to do with us. And between the two of you, maybe it is you and not him that is the problem. Maybe it is him, maybe it is both of you. Does it really matter? It does only if you love him madly and he wants to leave you. And I really did read your note. I am not asking any questions, just observations. Just do not compare our relationship to yours and his. And do not dare insinuate that your (your's and xx's) problems will drift into our relationship. I am not just another guy who will bring out the worst in you in a relationship as apparently xx has, nice guy or not. I am not him, not like him, am probably the antithesis of him. If he was such a great and wonderfull guy, you would love him forever. The problem is not yours alone. Don't complain about the problem, solve it!". I will forever be waiting for you...
Why now 2 months later is it over-- how can this happen????? It hurts so much to think about.
tb
It is late - but you are hurting and I wanted to reply even if I am short in my words tonight. I feel your pain. Heck, I'm living your pain. But, I wanted to perhaps explain your DM's side of the story. I have been in a five year affair, although it is mostly over on my side. I was married when I met my MM and in a bad marriage. Actually, I was dying in it and didn't realize it until I met and fell deeply in love with my MM. I divorced. He was going to leave his bad marriage. He did for a time and then went back. I also promised to stick it out. I meant my words at the time. But, he didn't hold up his end of the agreement in time for me. I nearly killed myself (not literally - emotionally) with this affair. The pain was too intense with his fencesitting. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. But, I couldn't continue to suffer while he is busy finding himself. In the end, I think there is too much damage to ever have a stable relationship. He waited too long and I hurt too much. I think maybe your MM might be in the same boat. If he has been single for some time, it probably became too much for him to bear. I think that slowly, us single people, tend to harden while we watch the person we love "decide" whether or not they want us. The constant rejection is just too much. I'm sure he loved you. I know he promised to be there for as long as it took. However, we both promised to love our husbands till death do us part...yadiyadiya. And, I don't know about you, but I meant it when I said it - but in the end couldn't live that promise out. Everyone says stuff in the moment. I think we truly believe it. And, then the crap of relationships transpires and makes it nearly impossible to follow through with the original promise. The promises are always made pre-crap in the relationship. I think your MM probably did love you very much. He may come around if he sees you divorce - he may have emotionally moved on. How can it change in two weeks? It doesn't. It has been a slow death process with me and then the pain just gets to you and one day you snap. I think us single (for me it has been 4 years single now) people tend to hold on to the hope and stuff it inside. I didn't show nearly the intensity of pain - I would have taken my MM out in a complete tyrade if I had. I let little pieces of my pain and frustration out and then I stuff it down again. It is over for us because he didn't move in a timely manner. He too feels that he has his whole life to spend with me. Not so. I couldn't live on his time schedule. A relationship is give and take. The person waiting is the one giving all the time. The married person needs to realize that. Love isn't an open-ended deal and timing is everything. I don't believe that if you really love someone you will put your life on hold indefinitely for the other person to get their crap together - and all at your own expense and pain. I loved my MM sooooo much ... I couldn't have loved him more. But, I learned to love myself too in the process. I can also flip the "if it was really love" statement around and say, "if my MM really loved me, he would not sit on his duff in a bad marriage and watch me suffer so badly." But, I think those are just words and rhetoric. The problem is that we hurt the people we love - usually unintentionally - and it doesn't have anything to do with how much we love someone. If there is one thing I have learned in all this affair crap, it's that the amount of pain and suffering is NOT an indication of the depth of my love. I do not need to suffer to prove my love.
That turned out to be a lot longer than I intended... my posts usually do, LOL. I don't have anything magic to make your pain go away. I haven't come up with anything either to make mine go away. I don't think it will anytime soon, either. I just thought it might help to know what someone on "the other side" feels and that I did love my MM. I'm sure yours did too. Take care and keep us posted.
Bird
I can completely understand that. The problem I have is that his W asked for a D in January and then she moved out in April and the D was finalized in May. I initially told him that I would leave H in 5 years-- but realized after folks here and elsewhere said-- figure ot out...so I did. I did not tell him that I was working things through as he said he would wait forvever...less than 2 months later I had it worked out and knew what I wanted and why...and he did tell me first in the conversation on the phone that he did not love me anymore because he could not wait 5 years for me...I told him it was over between H and I and I had told him the week before and H was looking for a place to live. He said it was too late...and after an hour of ...I do not understand...he said he was not in love with me anymore. I asked if I still had his heart and soul and he said no. It was less than 6 months from when his W asked for the D until he ended it with me through a phone call. We had talked 3-5 times a week during those 6 months and he was in alot of pain. I stood by and supported him but never ranted or raved about how bad W was as I knew this would not help him. He had said how incredible it was just to be able to talk. I had encouraged him to go out and do things with people and not sit at home. He did.
I saw him 12 days ago as I said - flew down there - and just could not rant and rave and just hung out and talked for 3 hours. It was easy to be there with him...he was my best friend for the last 20 years. I could see how much he was hurting and I know talking about it helped him even then. So I am completely confused of why and how he could not wait a few months. He says there is no one else. I have asked that only twice. I just do not get it.
tb
Your confusion is understandable. Your OM has been separated only a short time. I will tell you that it took me *at least* a year before I was past the biggest part of grief and guilt over the breakup of my marriage ... and, I was not in love with my husband anymore when we separated! I can't imagine what it would have been like if I still did love him. I was a mess and my MM watched it... supportive even. But, he had no understanding of what I was going through because he hadn't yet done anything. Here I was claiming to not be in love with my husband anymore, but all the while grieving and doubting my decisions. I know I was a basket case. I didn't make much sense sometimes and I know I contradicted myself. I don't want to give you false hope in your situation. I just want you to know that your OM probably doesn't know which way is up. My MM told me many times, "well, then just take your X back if you are so miserable." I was miserable for so many reasons - he didn't understand - it wasn't that simple. Four years later, my pain has healed as completely as possible. I still wonder sometimes if my marriage could have been saved had I been willing. But, I was in love with another man... I had all these squirrels running around in my head ... did I do the right thing by leaving my marriage? My god, what if my MM *did* leave his W and would I just screw that one up too??? (yep, I did). I couldn't face my XH with him knowing that I was seeing someone else - so I kept everything hidden from him - still do because I can't face hurting him by being with another man. Baggage, so much baggage. I really think that is what you are facing. And, baggage makes no sense at all because it is pure emotion - nothing rational about it at all. If you do go through with your separation, you will have your hands full emotionally as well. All you can do is respect his wishes and give him space ... and a ton of forgiveness no matter what he ends up doing with his life. Hugs to you.
Bird
I am sorry but you need to do forgive him after accepting his decision. I know it hurs like hell but keep at it you will get to see the light at the end of the tunnel. :) Good Luck!
It's true...if he was meant to be a part of your life he will be back in it...someday. I'm sure he loved you and probably still does.
And i would like to agree with silentbird on the confusing situation it is for single partners to be involved with a MM or MW. You want them to get their life together but you really have no idea what it is like for the married lover or what their choice can mean. And you don't want to sit around and wait for this person while life just passes you by.
So hang in there and just concentrate on your life right now and the life for your daughter. Things will work out for you :).
p.s. - thank you silentbird for letting me see the other side and all the confusion involved with it :).
He never said there had to be no contact. I just feel like if I contact him I need to not be emotional-- that will not help at all and will in the end only make me feel worse.
If I called and he was alone I am sure he would talk to me. Right now I just am feeling so sad and hurting. Even though I know I don't have a good marriage-- there is nothing that someone from the outside looking in would think was gos awful...it is just that I realized how happy I was around my X and what was missing in my life. So it is hard to say good-bye to 18 years of knowing someone. It is also difficult to know that I am forever changing the life my DD will have...and that is painful. There are times when I think- my H is willing to work on things but my X just threw in the towel and that hurts so much. I could not believe he would have ever done that. It is hard for me to believe that he really loved me if he could give up on us so easily.
We never lived in a fantasy world- we both knew each other too well and have been through so many things as friends before we decided to get together. We have always been there for each other through so many difficult times...His D was clearly difficult for him...and he would have probably stayed in his M for at least another 5-6 years. He was willing to do that...so why not fight for me.
He says he loved me but how do you figure out what was true and what was not?? I think he just wants to move on and find someone to be with and share his life with and I am not the one. To say the little things just started to add up and it was no one thing in particular - but that he thinks that in the end we would not be happy together...we have never had a chance to try-- it makes no sense.
tb
Then on top of that I have to deal with not having my X and the lost of that relationship which is even more traumatic for me. I just feel like it is so hard dealing with 2 major losses at once. There are times when I feel like I can handle things fine and then something stupid ahppens- like my DD's counselor went to the same college as my X and I am thrown for a loop.
I know it is only 12 days since I last saw and talked to him...I guess feel so sad that I will never see him again even as friends. It just still hurts so much...
tb
Edited 6/22/2004 9:29 pm ET ET by tb1004
Pages