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| Mon, 06-21-2004 - 7:32pm |
Then there is my recently D man who just broke my heart 2 weeks ago. I helped him thorugh his D over the past 6 months and was there for him. We have been together for over 20 years and in an affair for almost the past 4 years. We were always best friends so it was easy to be there for him. I guess I did not realize all that was going on. He wanted to get together so much-- I just figured we had the rest of our lives to be together. We live 1000 miles apart and had not seen each other in 15 months. The suddenness of the ending is what is so hard to take. We all go through that panic phase-- this can't be happening to me. Then for me I realized very quickly to protest and rant and rave would just push him away further. I am really lonely right now and I wish he was there for me to talk to like I was for him. But although he may talk to me- it will clearly be different and I can't handle that yet.
I guess I am still not able to understand how someone can love you for so long and then over literally a matter of weeks- just give up and close the door. How can that be love? Love never gives up or at least it is the last resort to give up. Everything I think and feel tells me he loved me; he tells me how much he loved me and that he meant everything he ever said...(clearly he couldn't because he said he would never leave me and would work at us etc...). I miss the incredible poems he wrote where he spelled out how he felt. I miss my friend who I confided in and who I thought loved me for who I was. Yet how can you reconcile that love with the idea that they just give up without even giving the relationship a chance-- we were going to be together and finally see if it could work. I am left with- either he loved me and this is insane and makes no sense or what we had was not real- it was a fantasy and it is over. I do not see any other option. You do not give up on love that easily.
I want to hear his voice so much tonight-- it just breaks my heart. Maybe it is me and I do not know what love is...I just want the pain to stop.
tb

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That was over 4 months ago and I never spoke to him again. He's tried to call me, he's sent me gifts, he's sent me text messages, and I've never responded. On his end, I'm sure he thinks I'm the most coldhearted person in the entire world. Either that, or a raving lunatic. How could I just cut him out of my life with no warning????
Sometimes I don't know how I did it, but I DO know why. During the last few months of our A as we were planning our escape together (meaning to both file for D and start a new live together) it started occuring to me that I had put something in motion and it was gathering momentum, and I might want to stop it. I had real second thoughts about everything I was doing, especially ending my marriage of 18 years. I didn't want to waste anymore of his time. I told him my feelings had changed - they really hadn't. I still loved him, but a lightbulb had gone off in my head. I guess something like an epiphany. The end of the A was about me, it had nothing to do with him. Our relationship was the same as it had always been, and I loved him just as much. I just started to have some real doubts and insecurities about where my life was going and I knew I needed to address those issues alone, rather than riding the momentum our plans for the future had gathered.
I don't know whether this makes any sense to you or not. My XMM was definitely an escape for me. We did not do the real world together. I mean, we went out in the real world together. We even met each other's kids. But we did not live as a couple. We weren't raising the kids together, paying the bills together, managing a house together. I started to have some real concerns that once we started living life as a couple, the magic of our relationship would be gone. It would become ordinary, because ALL relationships do, no matter how wonderful. They become familiar, comfortable, etc. That's all good, except that I truly wasn't sure what would be left of our relationship once it became ordinary, and I was afraid to find out. I had already buried one magical relationship (my marriage) as it became ordinary and I didn't want to see another one become ordinary.
I hope this helps you in some way. Having sent my XMM into a tailspin from which he probaby still hasn't recovered, I can only assure you that when I said I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him, I truly meant it with all my heart. I just thought that some day I'd wake up ready to take that step, but it never happened. The conflict is all on my end. XMM had nothing really to do with it.
Hang in there, honey, and keep posting here. We'll get you through this! Love, Mo.
Thanks for your post. It is hard to imagine him going through something like that although I guess anything is possible. Our friendship was what was always the most important thing to me and probably to him too. Maybe it was the realization that he cheated on his W and he could not live with that and I would be a constant reminder of it...what he initially said was that he could not wait 5 years for me...that was his first reason...then when I said he would not have to wait that long and I was almost there- he asked how long it would take...I said it could be just a few months like his...he asked how it happened...when it happened...he then said he felt like there wasn't any one thing but that alot of little things made him think that in the end it would not work out.
We talked a second time and again I was confused and he said he had explained it-- it was so surreal.
When I saw him 13 days ago...we just talked as friends and I did not try to change his mind or figure out why -- as I knew he would not be able to explain...all I did was be there for 3 hours...he talked about his D and what had happened...he said he never understood why I had stayed with H for so long. He said I would find someone that would love me and make me happy...but that he wanted me to know how much he truly loved me and he just looked pleadingly into my eyes. I did not say anything. We talked about his kids and it was at times so easy.
I do think about emailing him. I know that everyone says NC is the best way to go...but in a sense that is easiest for him and maybe not me. I do not think I could talk to him as I want to always be able to maintain my sense of control over my emotions. I do not want to beg or plead...but I want him to see what he gave up- to know that I truly was an incredible catch and someone who loved him for him. In a way NC allows him to heal even faster and I am not sure I really want that.I do not want to try to convince him I am right for him...but I do want him to see what he lost. Is that wrong or crazy??
I am still not to the point where I can do it as I am still negotiating in my mind...but I want to know if he can handle being friends too in a sense. Does this make any sense??
tb
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