Having a hard time
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Having a hard time
| Sun, 12-07-2003 - 9:11am |
Its a bad bad morning already. I went to bed thinking of him, and woke up the same way. I am just sick. I dont know how to get past this. How do I begin to move on. I try to think of other things, but it goes back to him. I have not motivation. I should be putting up my xmas stuff, but just dont feel like it. So many things I could be doing.
All I think of is him realizing it wont work at home.
Just venting.

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I am the same way today......Was snowed in yesterday so the house is a disaster with kids trashing it all day....i look around and have no desire to clean it, i can't bring myself to fill the dishwasher....I am supposed to bring the kids to see santa claus at the country club....I don't want to go, but I have to because I can't let our friends down that bought us the tickets.....I have to put the children before my feelings, which is the way that it should be.
I'm sure that once I am dressed and have some makeup done i'll be okay..atleast I hope to be...gotta get out of this funk....I think about him every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up.....I miss him, i hate him, i miss him, i loathe him, I miss him, I detest him...this is it....do i miss HIM or the way that he made me feel? Well I miss the fictitious character that he portrayed. I wonder what he is doing...how he is spending his time....but i am not consumed by it anymore, so i guess i have made some progress....my phone rang last night and stopped...i wonder...........it doesnt matter but I wonder.........
As far as christmas decorations, I see how the tiny spinning musical tree i put out yesterday made my child so happy so i will continue to decorate....i am grateful for diversion yet I lack desire to do things....
sigh...it all takes time I guess.....
Jazzdiva
I wish he was a total jerk, but he is really a sincere man. I am just numb.
Thanks for listening. I look forward to hearing what you think
I am still in an EMA. Kind of. MM and I are on-again-off-again and it gets harder each time. We were "on" again as of Friday, but he spent this weekend away with his W to work on their M, and I am sad and worried about what he'll have to say to me tomorrow (off again probably... sigh...)
To keep busy today, I have a list of fun stuff. Laundry. Dishes. Kitchen floor. And if I can truly find the motivation, some Xmas decorations. I am not the least bit interested in any of it, but it seems better than moping all day, which is all I've managed to accomplish so far. Well, I did make pancakes for the kids for breakfast.
If you can think of anything else to keep me distracted, please share! In the meantime, thanks for letting me vent with you. I know exactly how you feel. I miss him like hell and am anxious about tomorrow... but I just can't THINK about that right now. Sigh.
Anna
I hope you don't mind my responding to this. My MM is the same way. We are "off" when he feels guilt and confusion about his own M and family. But then he spends time with me, and we are "on" again. I have no doubt that he has deep feelings for me, that he wants to be with me, but I also can understand that he HAS to work on his M and his family life. We are both M and always said that our Ms have to come first. We can't destroy everything we've built because of our attraction. However, as we spend more time together, the attraction turns into something stronger and now we're at a crossroads of really wondering if we can do this.
I am sure he is thinking of you. I remind myself all weekend that MM is focused on his W now, that he has to be to get his M back on track... and if I were out of town with my H, I would be focused on that too. But I have no doubt that at some point this weekend, I popped into MMs mind and he was thinking about me, if not missing me. I am certain your MM doesn't just push you and his feelings for you aside casually. But our energies have to be focused on where we are in the moment, right?
I understand all of this logically, but believe me, emotionally I am having a helluva time with it this weekend! This may not have helped you at all, but thanks for letting me share.
Anna
I dont mind at all. This board is all I have. I have no one else to talk to about this. Our co-workers all know, and i talk to a few of them, but i dont want to keep bugging them. They are all of the opinion that he will not stay because his heart is somewhere else. But sometimes that is not enough, he misses his children terriably, and he does not hate his wife, he was comfortable.
I know he has deep feelings for me, but i dont think they are strong enough to make him want to leave again. Why go thru all of this again, when it is easier to try and get it all back at home. I just dont understand how he can do that, he has told her he is not there 100%, so how can it work. I guess he will try very hard to push his feelings for me aside to make this work. And I think that is so sad, we really have a connection, and could have a wonderful life, and all the passion that goes with it.
I dont know if you have read all most posts, but I he told me he had to do what was right for him right now, and he has to give her the opportunity to change, he owes her that. They will try counseling and everything. But he told her he is not ready to put his ring back on. He says he is not sure whether he loves me or not, maybe just infatuation, but the other day, now he says maybe his heart is trying to tell him something. This is all confusing.
I emailed him yesterday and told him, that it is only natural that if he is back, and spending all time with her and children, and getting back into routine, that he will be able to forget what we could have, afterall when you get comfortable, it is easy to mistake that for love, and make yourself think this was all a huge mistake. I told him that if his heart is not in it, and he is back there just so he can say he tried, well he needs to tell me that, and wants to be with me. I am afraid what I will hear on monday.
I haven't read all your posts, but I have lurked for a little while so I'm vaguely familiar with some of your story. Here's my take on it: he knows what the passion feels like with you. He won't forget that. If he does decide to stay with W and "make it work" then he does so knowing that he may never feel with her the passion he feels with you. It may not be bad, but it will be different. Don't fool yourself: he won't forget. He will just move on to something different.
And it could be that the something different he moves on to will not be enough. And maybe he will leave. But only he can figure that out, and he can only figure it out by giving his M one last shot. So like I have said, I can see LOGICALLY where he is coming from... MM and I are in the same place... but emotionally this is really tough and I know how you feel.
This week, MM and I were still discussing whether we were on or off again... and we started talking about a certain day two weeks ago when he kissed me. All I said was that I couldn't get those kisses out of my head. He agreed, then started describing the kisses... with adjectives like passionate, tender, etc. And I was melting as I listened to him talk because I realized that the intimacy and passion I was feeling in this R was the same for him. We were getting a lot of the same thing out of it, even though it's the hardest, most confusing thing we've ever stepped into.
And now today... I have folded laundry and put it away. I have done the dishes. Next are paying some bills and Xmas decorations. I still have no heart for this.
But you can't control what your MM wants, or thinks he needs to do. You can only manage yourself, so focus on that. I am trying to remember to do the things that make ME happy, no matter what's going on in my life. Playing with my kids. Blasting music loud enough to annoy my neighbors. Putting chocolate chips in the pancakes this morning because the kids LOVE it. And for a few moments every hour, I am not obsessing... it ain't much, but it's all I got today. It's a bi7ch, isn't it? To know exactly what you NEED to do, or SHOULD do, but to be struggling every moment to DO it?
Glad you're around today. It helps to get this talked out, even if we can't solve anything!
Anna
but, what else can i do. i am in such limbo right now, if he would not have told me how awkward it is at home and how he thinks of me, maybe i could come to terms with it being over for good. and i know you say he wont forget, but isnt it natural, that he push me out of his mind and concern himself with the things at home. but you are right, only he can make that choice, and if that is his choice i have to deal with it. i just think it is so sad that we give this up, but it is much easier to go back to what was, then compltely start over.
i keep looking at my instant messenger to see if he signs on. i think he is intentionaly not getting on this weekend, trying to see if it gets easier to pull away, and move on with his marriage.
i hope things go the way you want tomorrow. i cant help but think mine wont.
im glad you are around today too, i need to get thru this day somehow.
So I hauled the Xmas decorations out, just a few of them. I will try putting some up to pass the time this afternoon. I will try to do a lot of other things to keep my mind off of whether or not he'll call and what he'll have to say.
You know, it might be "natural" that he HAS to push you out of his mind to focus on things at home, but that doesn't mean it will be easy for him. And it doesn't mean that after pushing thoughts of you aside for a while that he'll forget. Have you forgotten the first boy you kissed? The first man you slept with? Your first really huge crush that never knew you existed? When we experience intense emotions, we don't forget about it, how it felt or what it meant to us, even after the intensity has faded and we've moved on. Right now, I hold on to that thought. Whether MM and I will ever be together again or whether he tells me again tomorrow that he has to pull away, I know that what I have enjoyed over these past months was intense, powerful, and I will in no way forget it or what it means to me.
Time to eat chocolate and go string up some lights. I'm probably not much help!
Moping right here with you... Anna
Hus to you
Cali~
Whatever the reason it is wrong. You deserved more then crumbs....you deserved the whole enchilada....There were times I probably gave my XOM crumbs, but given that he was lying to me the whole time about being monogamous the crumbs were too good for him. Everyones situation here is different. You say that your XMM is really a good and sincere man, well...I am not saying that he is charles manson, but he was an adulterer....call his wie and tell her that you had sex with her husband and lets see if she thinks he is sincere? I don't claim to be honest...I was a good person that made a really really big mistake. For that moment i was selfish and I was wrong. If what i did was so right then it would not have had to have been a secret, and i would not have had to go to confession....
sigh....i hope i helped you on this one but i doubt it. I feel a little scatterbrained at the moment. I'm worried about cali.
Jazzdiva
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