Having a MOMENT...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Having a MOMENT...
6
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 6:46pm

You know that moment ladies? That moment when you choose to do something that you KNOW will take you 10 steps back on your road to healing...well I just did...I knew it was the xAPs one year Wedding Anniversary...and decide to check out his FB wall...of course... big capital letter Status: BEEN MARRIED ONE YEAR AGO TODAY, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY "

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 7:31pm

Honey, I so know!! Just when you think you cant hurt any more, something happens and you are even lower than before. You did the right thing Healing, you came here. You are not messed up, you are hurt. I'm so glad that you blocked him and don't regret it for one second.


How many times have you been sitting with your children but not really there because you were thinking about XMM? How many times have you purposely pushed DH and his affections away because he wasnt XMM? Ive done all of these things and most women on here have too. But now is where the healing starts. You get to a low that you dont think that you can ever recover from, but YOU WILL!!


I dont know much about your M but if you can see how your H has qualities that you can live a lifetime with then focus on that. My XMM cheated twice on his wife before me, lied about his age when we 1st met and complained how much weight his wife had gained. You can pull up one of my old threads where my son was hospitalized and had major surgery and at the same time, he was so stressed with worry because his daughter had mono. What a selfish, one sided jerk. My point is that it took me awhile to see how far the bad outweighed the good. It took me awhile to see how my H was everything XMM wasnt. That my H has honesty, integrity, wit and an amazing sense of humor. So WTH was I doing with a man who is someone elses PROBLEM!!!!


When we are in an A, we are wounded, we are fragile and it gets worse during the A. Its not till it ends that we can begin to heal and see how it destroyed us. This has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to do and doing it alone is even worse. Just remember that you have all the ladies here at EAS and we know how you feel.


Hugs to you, my heart aches for you right now.


GMLB


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 8:18pm

GMLB


I would say you have no idea what your words mean right now...but you do know don't you??? Thank You! I KNOW in every fiber of my being this is RIGHT, this is what I NEED and there really is not a positive thing about xAP that I can say. He never was anyone I would want as a partner, he was cold, selfish and I think borders on sociopathic... nice huh???...nice to have put myself through this all these years.


My H is an amazing man and my biggest fan. He is loving, loyal, honest, giving, an amazing father and we have a great sexual chemistry...how strange again huh??? I rarely was ever "satisfied" from the xAP. Our M has had its issues of course, don't get me wrong...but nothing that would ever warrant risking our lives together. We don't see each other as often as we would like, he works evenings I work days. He just opened his own business which has

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 4:02am

Hi Healing, I really feel your pain when you want to

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 8:11am

Healing,


I hope that you find that you are doing better today. Its a new day and put yesterday behind you, make today the 1st day towards really moving back into your life. An A completely detaches us from the constants in our life, work, kids, friends, family and spouses. At least it did for me. Every single one of those areas suffered during my A. I had been removed from all of them for so long that I really forgot how to be back into my reality.


Be gentle with yourself right now. Try to avoid thinking the healing will happen quickly. Its ok to have really bad days, because soon, those days wont be as bad or as often. Pamper yourself emotionally right now, if you want to be alone, its ok. Sometimes even a few minutes alone to cry will help. Its all normal and its all eventually going to get better.


We will never be the same. What I have learned from having this A is enough to keep me from ever having another. IC has helped and knowing my H, even on his worst day, is more of a man than XMM could ever be helps me move forward. Its no easy feat but just take it day by day.


HUGS,


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 8:25am

Healing,

We feel your pain.Im posting to you because I really want you to recognize that sometimes we need to hurt ourselves in order for us to learn and to have the strength to do what we need to do.

You knew before you logged onto FB that it was going to hurt...you did it anyways; you knew reading the replies would sting and make you cry...you kept on reading. Its like a child who been told not to touch the hot stove, but they do anyways...until they get burnt and they wont be doing that again.

Even though it hurt you to block, this is exactly what you need to you and stick to it. This is about YOU not him anymore. Block or delete whatever it is you have left and let today be a new day where you make a promise to yourself, 'youre not going to hurt you today'.

I hope today turns into a promising day of strength and courage for you Healing.

Hugs
DM

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 11:20am

Healing,


<>


There was no FB when I ended my A for the 3rd time, thank God. I damaged myself enough by hacking into his email account, and for that I was/am very ashamed. BUT, such pain in the discovery that he was not who I had believed he was, gave me the fortitude to keep pushing forward for making sure the 3rd ending was the LAST ending.


You need to delete or block him from FB, honey. I know you are struggling with this, but how much more self flagellation are you going to take? You are only hurting yourself and you know this. Good for you blocking/deleting him from MSN. Now do the same on FB if you haven't already.


I am so sorry this man went MIA without a word, but it's obvious to me that he was either suspected or had a moment of awakening. Still, it was a cruel way to call it quits. Coming to terms with this is no doubt painful and difficult, but *all* affairs end eventually and someone has to do the dirty deed. I am not making excuses for him, but as a single OW, I was the one to make the tough choice of pulling the plug and I did it without any explanation. One day I told him I needed space (we work together) and that has led to 6 years of A sobriety. He never even asked me whyand now, 6 years later, we still have never discussed it in detail as to what really happened.


There is NO closure when an A ends between the two APs because it was never a real relationship to begin with. What we all had was an underground liaison based on deceit, lies, and the exchange of forbidden feel goods.

   ~Iddy~