Having a really bad day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2012
Having a really bad day...
8
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 1:00pm

A really tough time today.  Missing him and just can't clear my head of it.  Two more fishing attempts and no reply from me.  I know it's the right thing to do, but it's still so hard.  He's using any way he can to try and contact me and getting alittle reckless.  It's surprising since he was so adamant for thirteen years that there be no trace of me. 

I always thought I was so alone in the A, in that I couldn't talk to anyone about it.  This is almost worse now that it's over.  Still no one to talk to. 

 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 1:00pm

Good to see you're still here, Changed...staying the course and supporting others.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 11:57am

Hi Blonde, I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, as I am going through this myself - but just wanted you to know you are not alone.  I'm having one of those days too, so I'm here doing some reading, just trying to remind myself why NC is best for me to move forward.  Some days are so hard, others not quite as bad.  When I'm having a really bad day I try to remind myself that a better one is around the corner...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Thu, 11-08-2012 - 11:37am

Blonde!

Hang in there!  I SO understand!  As you may recall, my XAP was the KING Fisherman!  The KING!  It took me almost two years to make it clear I was no longer interested.  And my XAP too pulled out ALL the stops, every which way that he could get me to talk to him.

I read a great articled on Baggage Reclaim titled something like “What does it mean if he keeps making contact?”  It was VERY enlightening.  I learned that his attempts had NOTHING to do with me.  It was all about him and him needing to know he could still control me, still get an ego stroke from me, etc.  I highly recommend you find that article. 

And my T concurred with that article completely.  My T told me that his attempts at contact were disrespectful, inappropriate and INSINCERE. 

So, keep focused on YOU.  Know that the A wasn’t meeting your needs, it wasn’t a good fit for YOU.

At the end, I did not find his attempts to be flattering.  More like insulting.

Hang tight – you’re doing great.

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 8:34pm

Hello BH,

I am so sorry you are having a difficult time right now.  I remember how I felt in the early stage of NC.  I felt has though my heart was ripped viciously out of my chest.  I completely and utterly felt so alone, lost and so confused.  That was over 10 years ago when my xap moved out of state. 

What I learned from that horrible experience was that I in fact chose to feel that way.  The reality of the situation was   I was healthy, young (at that time Cool), had friends, and so on and so forth, but instead of focusing on the positives (yes it really works)...I chose to focus on the "lost-love" (cough cough)....that kept me so stuck.

Make a list of all that is good in your life right now.  Focus on what you have and not the empty-fantasy based relationship you have ended.

Going NC this year (yes with that same xap that moved out of town 10 years ago) was hard but with the resources available here and espeically the support with life-changing for me.  It feels incredible not to have 'lingering' thoughts of xap.  I chose to extracate him and all of my memories in order for me to move on with my life.

I hope you continue to post....continue to stay strong and bold  on your journey to self healing and I know you will feel better soon.

P.S.  I never believed in the early stages of going NC that I would EVER feel better.  Tah-dah...I do.  Laughing...and YOU Will Too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 7:56pm

Dear Blonde,

It gets better, indeed.  Pledge to stay strong.  Breaking NC only re-starts the healing process.  You've made excellent progress so far.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other and use this time to take extremely good care of yourself.  Get a massage, go to the gym, detox, read inspiring books and articles, think about the kind of life you really want (and how you're only delaying that kind of life if you respond).  Focus on Y-O-U!  Get beautiful inside and out again.

You can do better than settle for this A.

Stay strong and take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 4:25pm
Sorry your feeling bad, don't have much to add not in great place myself but good for you not caving at his fishing, keep it up! In a few months we should be whole new women.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 2:26pm

((blondehigh))

I'm sorry you are having a really bad day.

If you really think about it, you're probably missing the old him and the way it was...when it was all new and exciting...that's over...it's lost its luster.  The new him and the way it now is not miss-worthy. He's disrespecting you and showing a total disregard for your wishes...no love, no real caring, just an enormous ego on his part.  And guess what would probably happen if you caved...I can almost hear him now "Gotcha!...now, catcha lata"...okay, that's me and my Boston accent coming through :)

Try to stay focused on the present...the way it is today.  I know it hurts, but try not to let him take away your present moment.  Try some Affirmations; such as, "I control my own destiny and am not allowing anyone to rattle my cage or stand in my way...I am okay."  Something like that.  

You mustn't allow this JAM to ruin your day.  You can allot yourself 15-30 minutes a day to feel badly if you must..and I know you must :)...and then get on with your day...Clarity's orders.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 1:44pm

((((Blonde))))  I'm sorry your are hurting due to xAP disrespect of your wishes.  Super proud of you for coming here. You don't have no one to talk to, you have us. 

Are you able to block these new avenues of contact he is using?  Trust me, his creativity is no compliment. 

I can really related to the feeling of being alone, I felt alone before the A, even more so during the A and worse in the early parts of the ending.  It gets better, I promise.