having a really depressing day
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having a really depressing day
| Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:42pm |
The last couple of days I have been obsessively thinking about my mm. When I think about how we were together - it was pretty bad. I think we were both obsessed with each other and now I don't know if we really ever loved each other. It was probably more of a lust thing. When I told him we shouldn't do this anymore. I was saying it bc I knew we couldn't go on but then I was still calling him. I told him I know what I need to do but I am having a hard time doing it. Well he nipped that in the bud and asked what I wanted to talk to him about and said he would call me back and its been three weeks. I just can't help to feel used and when I tried to end it -he was okay. I know I shouldn't ask but do you think he ended it with me eventhough I was the one saying we shouldn't talk anymore but then I called afterwards. I didn't want to start things up I just missed him but he doesn't know why I called him. Can someone just cut off their feelings like that.

I too, have been totally obsessing over my XMM the last couple of days.
I am just about ready to see if he will take a break with me, just so I
can get an answer from him...but I will try my best to fight that.
You said that you ended it - you did. You called and he never returned the call.
That's just a call. Not a polite thing to do, but you ended it, not him.
I understand why you feel used because I do too. I told my XMM that I don't think we were ever really friends and he didn't even say anything back (these were emails).
So of course, I'm thinking that well yes, we were friends but he has a different definition of friends than I do.
He tried to make small talk with me after I ended it but I wouldn't.
I feel awful about the whole thing and I just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel.
As everyone says, just let it go but all of us here know how hard that is.
Good luck.
Just here to tell you that you are not alone...Don't be too hard on yourself because we have all been there...waiting for an acknowlegment of feelings, knowing that we should end but still hoping to have one last talk. Just to see if he misses us, just to know that he still cares about our pain. I know how hard it is to feel ignored (and confused) after all the good times we shared and then ...nothing. We as women need communication, loving talk, caring when we feel pain. After the breaking (actually we never had a break up conversation), I too thought that talking to my MM would make it easier to move on because I felt so lonely during NC...Never felt so lonely in my entire life! So of course, I turn to him because only him could understand my pain.
But men are not like us, they don't overanalyze things, they just bury pain inside and move on. They don't want to talk over and over about problems, they get busy and go on with their life. Most of the time, they withdraw. It IS selfish but this is how they handle things. That is what my MM told me 5 months after our breaking.
Both of you know the ending of your relationship and that is what matters, for the future happiness of both of you. So don't look back, your future is brighter than what it seems now.
I hope this helps.
Love,
I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. XOM and I use to tell each other everything. It's really hard now when I am having a bad day - or even a good day - not to pick up the phone and call him. There are days I start to and then change my mind. XOM ended things with me - for various reasons, but the most important one being that I am married. It's hard not to think about 'the way things were'. I was XOM's first 'true love'. He had never said those words to anyone before - he told me he had never thoguht of marriage until he met me. Now, he tells me that he "removed himself" from the situation. He say the only feelings he has towards me now are sexual - and I refuse to be his booty call! I don't understand how men can turn their emotions off. It makes no sense to me. But I think Cherry is right - they just bury it and move on. It sucks, I know. We want to know that they are in pain, that they cry when they pass that special place, or hear that certain song.
Wishing you strength & peace...
Diva
Two things:
One -- when both APs are married (or even if they're not), didn't we both use each other? I know, I know...I am a chick and I should think that the guy used me. But if he was using me, I was equally using him. I have been accused of thinking more like a guy throughout my life, so maybe I am one of those who tries to bury my feelings and then move on. More to the point, I think I give myself a set amount of time to feel crappy and then I tell myself "time's up." Don't get me wrong -- I do miss my XMM quite a bit. We spent a lot of time talking and laughing and it's tough to lose a part of your life, even if it wasn an unhealthy part of my life. When my XMM pops into my head, I try to think "well, he was a nice guy and I have a warm spot in my heart for him, but it's over and that's good. Now, time to think about something else." Then I shove that thought right out of my head :-) So it may seem like he is cutting off feelings, but that's the way he's coping.
Two -- He isn't calling back, and that's OK, because you ended it. This is probably his way of enforcing NC with you (that's strange to think about isn't it, especially if he's not reading this board--he figured it out on his own :-). So when he heard from you, it probably brought those feelings back up to the surface, and in order to heal, he may be enforcing NC with you--just for his own sanity.
Try to keep to NC. In order to deal with your roller coaster of feelings, consider starting a journal. There's a lot of power in going back over the weeks and months later and seeing how far you have come!
And, of course, visit the board often and draw strength from all of us!!! You WILL get through this. It took time to get into it, and you aren't going to get out of it overnight.
Meg