I think it's very important you work very hard in not worrying about what he thinks about you. A very wise woman here on the boards told me "it isn't any of YOUR business what others think of you". It's true what she said and it took me a very long time to get what she meant:) Work on what's your business because that's what is important, I think it's great you are in T and working on you. We do get stronger as time moves on and there will be weak moments which as we learn and work on our new coping skills will not be as weak:) Happy New Years Alice, enjoy your family and 2011 will be a great year for growth!
It's so good to see you coming to the board and posting your struggles. I can tell that you are working hard to put all of this behind you, but I also think that your strategies on just how to move on might have more to do with trying to forget the affair ever happened, pushing down & burying feelings rather than dealing with them head on.
[BRACE YOURSELF]
Why do I think that? Because you burst out crying in front of the whole family and continued to cry for hours. To me this demonstrates all the feelings you are pushing down exploding up to the surface. It must have been very scary and unnerving for your family to witness - without a context or a reason.
And you know, if you were being honest with yourself, you DID NOT have to lock eyes with the fool. That was a choice Alice. Even if you had to pretend to look out the window yet squeezed those eyelids shut, you would have done so if you hadn't actually really wanted to make eye contact. For me, this is evidenced in the following statement:
"I sorta wish he smiled or something..I just wish there was PEACE between us--not this heinous feeling of residual anger, pain and ugliness"
YOU looked at him to try and get that smile from him - somehow your distorted thinking had you feeling like one stupid little grin from the side of the road would make it all better between the two of you.
Seriously?
That's all it would have taken Alice to create a sense of peace & wellbeing between the two of you? And then what Alice? You think all the hurt, frustration, anger, disappointment would magically disappear?
Think about what you're saying Alice.
That you want to have a sense of peace between the two of you - between you and the person who transpired to hurt, lie, cheat, manipulate the loved ones in your life.
You wanted something special to still remain that could have been communicated between the two of you in that passing grin you wanted - a little *wink wink nudge nudge*. While your H sat in the seat next to you - unknowingly? You could have came up with a reason to not go down his street. Choices Alice. Choices.
AND WHO GIVES A CRAP IF HE BARKED AT THE CAR AND GROWLED?!
Don't comfort yourself with more fantasy thinking - "Oh, maybe he is sooooo hurt too that the only thing he could do was perform like he was angry and cold" THIS KIND OF THINKING IS KEEPING YOU STUCK.
It is spending your energy looking outwards instead of inwards. There are no answers for you outside yourself. Closure, peace, contentment - that's NOT with him. You can't find peace by thinking you know what he was thinking.
Do you see how you have made your feelings contingent on knowing what he was thinking? What if he was thinking "there goes the biggest regret I ever had in my life - there goes the last person i ever want to see again" - who cares?!
That's what I think when I see my xAP. Isn't it what you think when you see him? You know, the person who (almost) helped you rip your family apart ... and you're crying in the bathroom texting someone for support because you are so emotional about his "cold" eyes.
Does that seem like you're making sense of the WRONGNESS THAT WAS THE A, or does that sound like the selfish behavior of someone who hasn't been doing their "homework".
If you were crying in the bathroom because when you saw him you were overcome with guilt & remorse for what you had done for JAM that would be one thing. YOU ARE NOT A NEW ENDER, but you are thinking like one.
"I have to admit to you I thought he might find a way to say merry xmas or wish me well or happy new year or somethin..and the fact that he didn't meant to ME that he does NOT wish me well. "
Alice, what are you doing to yourself?
Why are you constructing meaning out of, a what, 2 second moment?
From this post Alice, I don't see any insight yet into your motivations to stay wrapped up with xAP. Sorry, I realize that that might hurt, but holy crap Alice, you can have all the tools in the world but that ain't gonna get the house built. I see you using tools to COPE but not getting to the deep depths of why you are obsessing over him in the first place. THERE is a difference. You can actually do therapy Alice that changes those first thoughts - so that you don't have to re-frame.
"But still I cannot help but do my usual Alice obsessing that he thinks I am the worst woman in the world."
See Alice, you actually CAN help yourself - but you aren't. I don't know why, only you can get to the bottom of why.
You've also been very absent from the board. I know that real life can sweep you away, but I have a feeling you could really use the on-going support to continue to MOVE THROUGH the stages of ending.
You still seem very tormented and divided - part of you wants to believe that him not contacting you is for the best, and the other part of you seems Hell bent on keeping you spinning.
Alice, I HEAR you - and that's why I am concerned. And I know how hard it is too. I STILL struggle - still. I still have flash moments when I feel a sense of sadness or missing, but it is a moment, and then when I think about it for a moment, it is ALL ABOUT ESCAPE. He represents a drug that I used to avoid feeling the stress of everyday life. I used so much of him that my real life slipped away from me. NEVER EVER AGAIN. Ending Alice, takes continued courage and commitment to reflection & action. Yes we all have our weak moments, but it really is about how you make sense out of those moments that counts.
It isn't necessarily about getting stronger, but wiser. It is about UNDERSTANDING, not just coping moment to moment, it is about being fundamentally grateful for what you were able to hold onto, and being SO DARN relieved that the partners of each of you haven't found out (yet) about the willingness you showed to destroy their lives.
Have you tried to realize WHY he is angry? It may be helpful.
He is not angry because you're a bad person. Or were not pretty enough. not smart enough, not funny enough, not cool enough, not-whatever-enough.
He is angry because you walked away. He wanted to keep you in a box with the rest of them toys and take you out and play when it was convinient for him. But God forbid his little play time will interfere with his RL time - remember his ridiculous
My life felt so EMPTY without him for longer than I wanted to admit to you guys..but now it's back to normal and actually better--as I have some new pals bringing me l;ots of joy and a new freelance job I love...
what an amazing new perspective - it's so funny isn't it how once you get over the hump - you realize how much of yourself you give away in an A - I'm so proud of you for sticking to things. Healing yourself after an A, is a lot like grieving - it is a loss - it is painful and it brings to the surface the things we worry most about ourselves - our own worth, and need for contact from others. Stick with it! You are worth it!
I think it's very important you work very hard in not worrying about what he thinks about you. A very wise woman here on the boards told me "it isn't any of YOUR business what others think of you". It's true what she said and it took me a very long time to get what she meant:) Work on what's your business because that's what is important, I think it's great you are in T and working on you. We do get stronger as time moves on and there will be weak moments which as we learn and work on our new coping skills will not be as weak:) Happy New Years Alice, enjoy your family and 2011 will be a great year for growth!
Hello Alice,
It's so good to see you coming to the board and posting your struggles. I can tell that you are working hard to put all of this behind you, but I also think that your strategies on just how to move on might have more to do with trying to forget the affair ever happened, pushing down & burying feelings rather than dealing with them head on.
[BRACE YOURSELF]
Why do I think that? Because you burst out crying in front of the whole family and continued to cry for hours. To me this demonstrates all the feelings you are pushing down exploding up to the surface. It must have been very scary and unnerving for your family to witness - without a context or a reason.
And you know, if you were being honest with yourself, you DID NOT have to lock eyes with the fool. That was a choice Alice. Even if you had to pretend to look out the window yet squeezed those eyelids shut, you would have done so if you hadn't actually really wanted to make eye contact. For me, this is evidenced in the following statement:
"I sorta wish he smiled or something..I just wish there was PEACE between us--not this heinous feeling of residual anger, pain and ugliness"
YOU looked at him to try and get that smile from him - somehow your distorted thinking had you feeling like one stupid little grin from the side of the road would make it all better between the two of you.
Seriously?
That's all it would have taken Alice to create a sense of peace & wellbeing between the two of you? And then what Alice? You think all the hurt, frustration, anger, disappointment would magically disappear?
Think about what you're saying Alice.
That you want to have a sense of peace between the two of you - between you and the person who transpired to hurt, lie, cheat, manipulate the loved ones in your life.
You wanted something special to still remain that could have been communicated between the two of you in that passing grin you wanted - a little *wink wink nudge nudge*. While your H sat in the seat next to you - unknowingly? You could have came up with a reason to not go down his street. Choices Alice. Choices.
AND WHO GIVES A CRAP IF HE BARKED AT THE CAR AND GROWLED?!
Don't comfort yourself with more fantasy thinking - "Oh, maybe he is sooooo hurt too that the only thing he could do was perform like he was angry and cold" THIS KIND OF THINKING IS KEEPING YOU STUCK.
It is spending your energy looking outwards instead of inwards. There are no answers for you outside yourself. Closure, peace, contentment - that's NOT with him. You can't find peace by thinking you know what he was thinking.
Do you see how you have made your feelings contingent on knowing what he was thinking? What if he was thinking "there goes the biggest regret I ever had in my life - there goes the last person i ever want to see again" - who cares?!
That's what I think when I see my xAP. Isn't it what you think when you see him? You know, the person who (almost) helped you rip your family apart ... and you're crying in the bathroom texting someone for support because you are so emotional about his "cold" eyes.
Does that seem like you're making sense of the WRONGNESS THAT WAS THE A, or does that sound like the selfish behavior of someone who hasn't been doing their "homework".
If you were crying in the bathroom because when you saw him you were overcome with guilt & remorse for what you had done for JAM that would be one thing. YOU ARE NOT A NEW ENDER, but you are thinking like one.
"I have to admit to you I thought he might find a way to say merry xmas or wish me well or happy new year or somethin..and the fact that he didn't meant to ME that he does NOT wish me well. "
Alice, what are you doing to yourself?
Why are you constructing meaning out of, a what, 2 second moment?
From this post Alice, I don't see any insight yet into your motivations to stay wrapped up with xAP. Sorry, I realize that that might hurt, but holy crap Alice, you can have all the tools in the world but that ain't gonna get the house built. I see you using tools to COPE but not getting to the deep depths of why you are obsessing over him in the first place. THERE is a difference. You can actually do therapy Alice that changes those first thoughts - so that you don't have to re-frame.
"But still I cannot help but do my usual Alice obsessing that he thinks I am the worst woman in the world."
See Alice, you actually CAN help yourself - but you aren't. I don't know why, only you can get to the bottom of why.
You've also been very absent from the board. I know that real life can sweep you away, but I have a feeling you could really use the on-going support to continue to MOVE THROUGH the stages of ending.
You still seem very tormented and divided - part of you wants to believe that him not contacting you is for the best, and the other part of you seems Hell bent on keeping you spinning.
Alice, I HEAR you - and that's why I am concerned. And I know how hard it is too. I STILL struggle - still. I still have flash moments when I feel a sense of sadness or missing, but it is a moment, and then when I think about it for a moment, it is ALL ABOUT ESCAPE. He represents a drug that I used to avoid feeling the stress of everyday life. I used so much of him that my real life slipped away from me. NEVER EVER AGAIN. Ending Alice, takes continued courage and commitment to reflection & action. Yes we all have our weak moments, but it really is about how you make sense out of those moments that counts.
It isn't necessarily about getting stronger, but wiser. It is about UNDERSTANDING, not just coping moment to moment, it is about being fundamentally grateful for what you were able to hold onto, and being SO DARN relieved that the partners of each of you haven't found out (yet) about the willingness you showed to destroy their lives.
With care,
TU.
Alice,
I too have missed you and wondered what was going on.
I'm very curious how you interpret TU's idea that it's not just about coping but about understanding.
Hey Alice~
Alice,
Have you tried to realize WHY he is angry? It may be helpful.
He is not angry because you're a bad person. Or were not pretty enough. not smart enough, not funny enough, not cool enough, not-whatever-enough.
He is angry because you walked away. He wanted to keep you in a box with the rest of them toys and take you out and play when it was convinient for him. But God forbid his little play time will interfere with his RL time - remember his ridiculous
My life felt so EMPTY without him for longer than I wanted to admit to you guys..but now it's back to normal and actually better--as I have some new pals bringing me l;ots of joy and a new freelance job I love...
what an amazing new perspective - it's so funny isn't it how once you get over the hump - you realize how much of yourself you give away in an A - I'm so proud of you for sticking to things. Healing yourself after an A, is a lot like grieving - it is a loss - it is painful and it brings to the surface the things we worry most about ourselves - our own worth, and need for contact from others. Stick with it! You are worth it!
Sweet Alice-
You had a rough day....and you got through it.
What TU so wonderfully said.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida