having a tough day!
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having a tough day!
| Tue, 07-13-2004 - 3:10pm |
I'm in an emotional mess today. It's been three weeks since i've seen xMM and two weeks since we talked, the last time we talked he wanted to see me and I said i couldn't. I really want to forget him and move on with my life but I still find myself checking my cell phone to see if i had a call from him. Deep down i wish he would call me but then what good is that going to do? I'm just very confused. Why does something that feels so good,can also feel so bad and painful?
Emotionally, A are just so draining. I was in NC with XMM from April to June and i made a mistake of contacting him. I'm afraid i might do it again and this time i really don't want to and i'm trying to stay strong. I want to hold my head up. Why is it so easy for men to forget and move on? ANd us women have to come to these boards and cry over it so much? Are we really that different? Do they suffer too? I'm sorry for babling on so much, but so many thoughts are going through my head right now. I'm trying to stay busy but still every small thing reminds me of him.
Thanks for listening
Signatures On
| Tue, 07-13-2004 - 3:46pm |
I am sorry to say I do not have ANY words of wisdom, just want to tell you that you are NOT alone. I know exactly how you feel. If they would at least call, then it makes it easier to move on because maybe they are missing us but when they DO call we do not have the strength NOT TO PICK up and it starts again, so if you are anything like myself either way it is sooo hard, they call and you hear their voice and you have to call them back, they dont call and you think they never loved us and it hurts so bad. I keep thinking one day he will call and have had this realization that he was wrong, he can't live without me, he will do anything to be with me, change, divorce his W, What ever it takes to be with me so I call him back, just to get sucked back in to the same games, lies, hurt, disappointments, in my case emotional abuse. My MM is always beating me down to where I am so insecure I think I NEED HIM, I can't get better. He is so sure that whenever he calls I will drop what I am doing for him and why shouldnt he be, I am S, I wasnt when we started I was M, but now I am single and according to him my life needs to revolve around him, when he has time I better be available. Since I started this I have got a divorce, switched jobs, lost contact with all my friends, my life revolves around being available to him. I allowed him to control me for so long, he is very secure that he will always have that control. He calls me whenever he feels like it, if I do not answer my phone I better call him back within minutes or he gets so nasty. He has his own set of rules. I describe it as such an ugly relationship don't I? It is. Why can't I walk away? When he is calling me or I do see him, I am counting the seconds till I can get away from him and at that time I swear I will never call him again, but I do. SO I know I HAVE ISSUES, that I am trying so hard to work on. I know I have rambled on, but hey the good news is you are not alone!!
