Having a tough day.

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Having a tough day.
27
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 9:22am
And I am not sure if it is due to continuing to come to this board only to be frustrated over what I'm reading or not. Tell me, what were your intentions before having an A? Was it about getting YOUR needs met or because you really loved the person you were stepping out with. I am having a really tough time in understanding how anyone says "I fell in love with so and so - oh but my best friend, my W or DH is at home and what a great person she/he is." OY! Does anyone here realize how that sounds? Has anyone thought about their own accountability in this? DOES ANYONE THINK ABOUT TURNING THE LIFE OF THE OW/OM UPSIDE DOWN? Does it somehow make it okay to hurt the OW/OM because otherwise YOU have so much to lose? You see, this is why I have such a difficult time understanding how a MM/MW can sit and talk about really loving anyone but themselves when it comes to having an A. I am angry, so angry at the MM in my life right now. How dare he think it is somehow okay to say and do all the right things until it becomes inconvenient for him to do so? Do any of the MM/MW here have ANY idea of how they hurt the OP in this mix? If you even have a clue, then it shouldn't be difficult at all to make a decision for YOUR life and if the OW/OM made one for theirs and you were hurt because it didn't include you, well then realize it is because you didn't have the gutts to leave a marriage where you are SO UNHAPPY. This is laughable. Love is about respect and honor - communication and trust - and if those things are not present in your marriage, then it is YOUR RESPONSIBLITY to go to your spouse, communicate it and do whatever it takes to fix it, not involve someone else in the mix and hurt them too! I know I share in the responsibility of my A, but I also know that the MM pursued me, he made it clear from the beginning that he DID NOT INTEND to stay married and was merely biding his time until his kids were grown. Where I screwed up was being receptive to any of it! My response should've been, well call me when your kids are grown and you have moved out and are pursuing a divorce! Perhaps we can at least TALK THEN.

I have never seen so much immature behavior on the part of adults, many of which are in the process of raising children, including myself. I have always known what love is and feel that there are very few people who really understand it or care about living up to it because that might mean sacrifice on their part. If marriage isn't about making me happy, then I will just leave it. I know the divorce rate is high in our country and I don't like it. I also don't believe one should leave until they feel they have done everything they can to make things right in the marriage. What I cannot understand or respect is why a person will sit and rot in a marriage that is not going anywhere, the parties involved don't care if they get it right and they reach out to someone else to fill their voids. Talk about anger towards a person when you are in a vulnerable state yourself and you're used to help fill someone's voids that you have NOTHING TO DO WITH!

NEVER AGAIN IN MY LIFETIME - I DON'T CARE IF IT IS THE LAST MAN ON EARTH! I truly hope all of you who are married and struggling have read this post because whether you want to admit it or not and even if your A was strictly about sex (which mine was not), by continuing you are hurting the OP and they don't deserve it, period.

Like I said, I am angry and venting today so I truly hope that none of you take my post personally. I simply needed to vent but would appriciate any explanation for being married and having an A that makes sense.

GT

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 10:01am
Hi GT,

I am so sorry that you are having a bad day!! I appreciate your oppinion too!! I am married and I take full responsibility for what I have done. I had no right to bring someone into my life in this way when I was not free to do so!! So I just hope you don't think that the MM/MW on this board don't realize what their situations are, most of us do. Just like those of you who are single and having an A with a MM/MW realize what your situations are.

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 10:10am
I just wanted to add in response to you wanting any explanation that made sense about an affair....I don't think any explanation will really make sense. But I had been physically alone in my marriage for sometime now and my H has also made mistakes that were huge. But I trullly do think that he is a "nice" man and we really are "friends" and we agree that when we figure our marriage out we will continue to be friends. Like I said, each relationship is different. I have not kept my A a secret from my husband, we have chosen to try and move past it. I just think you can't look for explanations out side your own situation, my reasons for straying have no cut and dry reason, it happened, it is done and my OM was able to recover from it quicker than I did so I am taking a live and learn attitude.

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 10:46am
Well said, GT. I know the anger phase all too well. It does pass though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 11:38am
What you need to realize is that your xMM as we as ALL of us here are HUMAN. Full of flaws including you. I understand the anger/resentment you are feeling. Hey NO ONE here is innocent or IN HUMAN all of us were nieve and easily fell into the fantasy "single" "married" is not the issue. There are no excuses for a married person to go out on their marraige but there are also no excuses for a single person to enter a romatic relatioship with a MP... but you know what?? all of us here made a mistake - you too. The focus should be what all of need to do to forgive and move on and learn from this. Not where to point the blame.

Hugs hun

Racy

Avatar for casey055
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:04pm
I agree. GT, this is what I tried to explain to you. We are all at fault here at one time or the other. Just becuase you are in the clear doesnt mean it never happened to you too. Not trying to start a posting war... believe me, but her post said it all.
Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:40pm
Wait just one minute! Am I not allowed to express my anger over my own situation without coming into this scrutiny? This post had NOTHING TO DO with your situation Casey. I did NOT make contact with the MM. The last time you and I posted anything to each other was when you did! So please don't talk about me trying to judge or put blame on anyone! My situation is my situation and in MY CASE, the MM misled me. I don't recall if that was the case in your situation but I have EVERY RIGHT to be as angry as I want to about it. And I made a point of saying to all the MP on this board that this was not personally towards them. Just go back and read it again before you post your snide remarks, okay? We took care of this in email, just like you did with Awiagina. YOU DEMANDED I NOT POST TO YOU OR RESPOND AND YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GIVE ME THAT SAME COURTESY. Your bitterness towards me when I was just trying to help you is shining through.

Have a great day!

GT

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:53pm
I should tell you this is not about blame. It never has been with me and I have always taken full responsibility for my part in my own A. However, I was not married while in my A and I simply do not comprehend those who say they are so in love with an OW/OM while they love their spouse as well. The point of my post is that there just might be some things to learn about loving another person because when you do, you don't go out and do things to hurt them. This post was simply about wanting to vent some anger and frustation I've been feeling lately because I'm finding it harder and harder to be sympathetic when I read some of these posts. But it was never about assigning blame to anyone here or solely the MM in my own situation. Yea I'm ticked off royally at the MM becuase I for one do NOT believe one can say "I love you" one minute and turn around and lie to you the next. That's nuts! In fact, if there is anything I have felt really guilty about is that my involvement with the MM put him in that position. I wasn't there so I don't know what he said to the W, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. It most certainly did! It is the lies that I hate. There is nothing in this world worse from an emotional standpoint than lieing. And tell me this...how can someone who would even care to be your friend sit and lie to you????? Really???? Not my idea of a friend.

Thanks for the hug. I appreciate it.

GT

Avatar for casey055
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:58pm
I'm sorry to get you upset. Other people expressed their views and I did the same.
Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 1:08pm
Save it Casey, you're not sorry. You did this exact same thing to Awiagina.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 1:12pm
Ok well I will junmp on the band wagon - how about me getting angry at my single xom who bailed on me after I decided to file for divorce...who then started dating a new chick 3 days later and asked me to be understanding about it. I did everything I should have done. My relationship began when what I consider to be single...I had been separated from my dh for 4 months becuase he chose to run from me becuase he was having dperession issues - I worked my ass of to help him and he ran. THen xOM came along and appreciated me made me feel alove made me beleive that we would have a furture together to get my divorce in order and life would just go on happily ever after becuase I deserved better than my DH!! Then WAMMMO sorry guess I thought I could handle and REAL relationship - sorry wrongo this chickie seems more interesting sorry!

I am angry too- angry I invested my emotional energy in a man who lied to me too...but because I am technically considered married I was in the wrong...whatever.

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