Having a tough day today
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| Sat, 05-07-2005 - 5:27pm |
Its been 8 days now of no contact. I am having a hard time of it. I'm having a really hard time understand what all this was between us for two years. If MM said, I'm going back to my wife and I can't see you anymore - well, obviously it would crush me like a bug but it would be closure. Instead he's been separated for 2 yrs now but not divorced yet, living in his apt where I have never been becuase - gasp, someone may find out about me. So I couldn't take it anymore and rather than fix the situation, he opted for no contact saying that he would be back when he was divorced and able to be with me. On the surface it sounds like a reasonable thing but after spending two years with someone - two years of conversations, almost living together, vacations, talking several times a day - how I am supposed to just ...go on and live my life like I never knew him? And how can he do it? What's the missing piece of the puzzle that I don't know about? Is he never planning on divorce and just lying to me all this time? Is there a new person? I just want to know the logic behind this. When I tried to ask him last Sunday, he wouldn't answer my calls or respond to my emails. Finally, to keep from going over the edge, I cut it off 100% and haven't contacted him. To be able to go on, I have to act like its done. Is this just his coward way of getting rid of me? I have done a lot of thinking all this week and I think that if he does return (which he may or may not), I may not want to be with someone capable of causing me this much pain for 2 years. I'm not sure I want to be with someone who is such a good liar that they can lie to their family for two years about my existence. It just didn't have to be with way. It all doesn't make any sense to me. Why doesn't he either just go back with her or get divorced? Two years of my life I can't get back. He said he put a deposit on a ring for me. Is this another lie? All the deadlines he promised to be divorced by ...Sept 1, Dec 31, April 15, May 1....all passed and he never achnologed them or even gave a legimate reason why he didnt finalize his divorce. He said I had his heart and he was with me all the time. he didnt understand my pain that he was still married to her. I couldnt take it anymore...and now I've driven him away. I keep thinking that if I did something differently, we'd be together right now. He said that my asking him all the time about the divorce bunched him up and he couldn't clean up his life. He said that it was me that delayed it. How can that be? I am divorced. I was separated while I was seeing him, he had nothing to do with my divorce. I just did it with my lawyer. I just don't understand and feel like I have wasted so much time and all I have left are broken promises and broken dreams and the dread that he will try to walk back in my life in a month or two after causing me all this pain and somehow twist it around on me. I went on Match and have several men interested and it distracts me for a moment but they are not Him. I just want the pain to go away. I just want to forget. How long does it take till I feel better? Someone pls tell me how to feel better....
Ivy
Edited 5/7/2005 5:31 pm ET ET by ivy_midnight

ivy,
i could not finish your post coz i call feel your pain, its been 1 month for me now and the pain is still there, i think u already know in your heart that he is not for u, pls dont hurt yourself anymore by still believing in the fantasy, u said it all already
what else do u need to know, MM will not be with u if he wanted to be with u and if he realy loves u , u wont be here in this board
pls take care of yourself, i know it is very hard to think of it, i stop thinking of it altogether or else i will go crazy
max
Ivy, It has been 3 months (Feb 17) since xmm called and said "we can't talk anymore" and even though we have talked (about every 2 weeks) and seen each other 3x's (no ic). Last Monday I woke up and I knew that I didn't want to talk to him again! I just didn't really care anymore!
At the beginning I was crawling out of my skin, I thought I wasn't going to make it through this. I went through all of the stages; sadness, anger, acceptance and finally indifference. You will get there, think of it as an addiction. Think of how hard it would be for a smoker who has just given up cigarettes. It was painful and I cried, but life is starting to look up and I actually feel so much better inside. No more waiting, wishing and wondering. Do you really want a guy who could treat his family that way? That is how he will be treating you if you step into that role. Love is putting someone else first. Does he love you? If so he would put you first. Sounds like he loves himself.
Once I accepted the truth of what my A really was I felt truly free. I knew I could chose what my life would be. Every day is a victory. It takes time for you to see the situation for what it really is and not what you dream it is. Accept that this is the best for you and make small steps to move on every day, then all of a sudden you will realize that you have come many miles from where you used to be and going back isn't something you want to do at all.
Thank you. It is like an addiction. I have spent 2 yrs and many Sat nts waiting for my real life to begin with MM. Once again, I am home on a Sat nt but hopefully not forever.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I hope to get to that place where you are.
Ivy
hi ivy,
hey, im also here alone at home, but its not to bad, make yourself busy, i cleaned my front yard and watered the plants, did some house cleaning, now im looking at a pile of bills that i need to put away and file somewhere, imdreading doing this but i guess this is what i will do tonite
maybe u can go to a movie, i went to a movie last nite by myself, this is my second time going to a movie by myself, u will get used to it, being by yourself and remember u are never alone, im sure u have family, hey i am never alone even if im an orphan, i still think of my friends and the folks here as family
dont be too hard on yourself, some of us are only a keyboard stroke away
rent some dvd movie and have some ice cream and chocolate cake, i love that stuff, i lost so much weight that im trying to gain some
dont sit, wait and wish anymore, get up and just do it, u are the master of your own destiny, ok, easier said than done but do i sound convincing ...... hehehe
max
Thanks Max,
Actually you sound alot like my favorite song by Jack Johnson - "...I can't always be here sitting waiting wishing...I can't always be playing your fool..." Is that just a coincidence? You keep saying his line.
Yes, I watched a movie on TV tonight - The Man behind the Iron Mask. I find Saturday nights the toughest. The ironic thing is that it really has nothing to do with the no contact thing. I have been doing a whole lot of sitting waiting wishing for a long time now. So my friends are all married or out on dates while I've been sitting around waiting for someone to get divorced and be mine.
I actually have no problem eating. lol. Maybe thats a gender difference. I actually have been exercising a lot which helps. I've been getting massive amounts of anxiety from this relationship since I guess about the beginning of it! I didn't want to go on meds so I started running several times a week to get the anxiety out. I also have been taking an herbal antidepressent. But....since the no contact...I definitely feel sad confused and all that jazz but no real anxiety. I guess sicne there is no contact, there is nothing for me to feel anxious about.
I guess I am worried that I will never feel such feelings for another man again. I've been married and I never loved anyone like I loved MM. What if I never do? What if he was the one? But it does cross my mind that ...was it really love? Can you really REALLY love someone who puts you thru such great pain? Love is not supposed to hurt. It's supposed to make you a better person, not popping handfuls of pills to get thru the day.
I have a stack of bills too. Unfortunately, my upsetment over MM, makes me shop (perhaps another gender difference?)so I am avoiding them, at least for tonight.
Thanks for being there on this lonely Saturday night when everyone else is out.
Ivy
Hi Ivy,
I hope you are feeling much better with a new day ahead of you! :) I readt your thread with great interest, but was unable to suggest anything. I'm glad Max was there for you - being half way around the world I was sleeping (but I didn't go out Sat night either!). Feel better take each day one at a time, thats what I'm trying to do.
Liz
hi Ivy,
u are welcome, im also bored on a saturday nite but now i make myself busy, i send emails to friends, chat online, whatever i can think of at the moment
i dont know jack johnson but maybe we have the same experience :)
like u i been married before also, i am divorce and no kids, i am also orphan so my ex-wife is my closet family, we are still friends, im 39 and like u all my friends are married, i mean all of them are married so when i go out with them im the odd one but i dont let it bother me
im going to tell u from my point of view, u asked if u can realy love someone who puts u in so much pain, my answer to that is i think u/me/us dont love that person, there must be something wrong with the relationship, if i think about mine, i was anxious all the time, can be with OW all the time, we still time to be together, its not normal hence the anxiety and pain, we are addicted to that feeling, maybe the thrill for some, maybe the attention to others, i realy dont know, i dont even know why i "feel in love with OW"
up to now i still dont know why, i am still in pain, i find myself waiting and wishing and hoping for her to come back and contact me but i realy dont know so what will i do in the mean time, sit and wait ??? its all up to u, time will heal and open your mind and heart
in time u will find someone again hopefully that is single and u will fall in love again, i promise u that so pls dont lose hope
love is irrational and illogical but we need it , :) and it will come when u lest expect it so hang in there, its ok to be sad and be lonely but dont do it all the time or u will be a hermit
pls take care of yourself, like u i go shopping also and i eat ice cream
max
Hi Max,
Thank you for sharing. It is very painful, its true. Even more confusing for me is that MM told me he was ending us, he told me he would be back when he was free. He specifically told me that on June 4th, he would call me from his new apartment near me and be divorced and ask me for dinner. This man has broken every promise ever made to me (and to others) yet its hard to not hope that it will happen. At the same time, I can't help but think that I would be making a mistake if it did happen, and I let him back in my life. Whats to stop him from causing me more pain down the road? He has caused me so much pain over the last 2 yrs. Its hard to me to believe it would all just stop. I feel like the situation may change but he is still the same person underneath and something would always arise that would cause me further pain. On the other hand, I love him. Argh.
Can I ask you, are you trying to date new people? It is a great distraction. Meeting new people can help you feel better about yourself. Its not a cure all but it helps a little. I went on a date last week and although I wasn't interested, it was still nice to have a date. I have two more dates this coming weekend and its exciting to feel like men out there find me interesting and want to get to know me. MM did a good job of reducing my self worht to nothing and this is halping me feel better about myself. These are total strangers (from Match) but I've been chatting with them and they seem nice and we can talk on the phone so I am looking forward to meeting them. HAve you given it a thought?
Ivy