Having trouble due to impossible NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Having trouble due to impossible NC
3
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 3:12pm
It seems like every message on this board ends with how the ONLY way to get out and get over it is through NC. Man I wish I could have NC. I see XMM probably every other day. He's walking by my office, and doesn't come in. I hear the distinct sound of his car go by my window and I can't stop myself looking to see him drive by.
I go to a meeting, and he's there across the table. Sometimes I end up alone in a room with him at work and having to talk about some joint-issue with him. There's just no way around this. I can't have NC with him. Although over the past 6 months I've gotten pretty good at removing myself and my family from his family's social circle, he still comes over to my house once in awhile when my husband is there for some reason or another, and I can't just leave the room - my husband would think it was odd.
It has been so emotionally suffocating to have to see and talk to him all the time and not ever refer to the intimate relationship we once had. Even when we're alone I don't say anything to him about it, but I want to, and I pretty much have to bite my tongue not to. Obviously I'm not over him. I think he might be over me. He's doing a much better job of pretending he doesn't know I'm alive when we're in the same room together unless he's got a real reason to speak to me, and it kills me because we used to be such good friends. And there's a huge part of me that desperately wants that friendship back with him, but I know he won't allow it. I think he doesn't trust himself and is afraid of screwing up his family. I don't blame him. He has his head screwed on straight I suppose...it's ME that's got a screw loose.
Besides venting my emotional frustration, I think I'm looking for some advice on how to get past this when NC isn't an option, especially when deep down I didn't really want it to be over, and when I see him, all I can think about is how happy I was (and how happy he was) during the time that he and I were secretly in love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 4:35pm

wow...that must be excruciating.

This post should be read by anyone contemplating an affair with someone at work.

This is also a great example of really not thinking before acting (like we all have probably done...but talk about the consequences..ouch I am sorry you are having to go through this pain).

i dont know how some people get through that...dealing with the aftermath of an affair at work (or those who have with neighbors they have to see etc). I have reminders but i dont have to try and function at work with them or be faced with the person everyday.

I really don't have any answers. Perhaps a counselor could help. Sounds like you most likely own the business or rank high up so that it is probably very hard to contemplate getting another job.

With my personality and mentality...this would drive me insane. Kudos to you for holding it together as well as you have. Seek help if you need it whether it just be advisory or professional counseling.
Wisdom, clarity and a lighter heart to you,
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 5:07pm
I have this same problem and ironically, I just answered the phone when my xMM called my husband (they work together). I have not talked to him for about a month. Just hearing his voice made me cry. My husband thinks I am really getting over this but the truth is, I wonder if I ever will. We see them sometimes because we are neighbors and our kids are friends. I have tried every way possible to have NC with him and also with the rest of his family, but it's impossible to have it completely if the men both keep working together. I feel that I have made progress, but are there people out there who never really get over it? Destroy their marriages and just end up alone anyway? I don't want that to happen, but right now it hurts so bad I can't imagine that I will ever be able to get him out of my heart. I have no advice for you, if I had to see him every day I would never heal. Right now I doubt if I will either. Sorry to be so depressed...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Sun, 02-06-2005 - 3:18pm

My XMM was someone in my social circle. I had to change my social life in order to not keep running into him. When I think about how my life has changed because of my decision to end this A, thats when I get angry at him. He seems fine, he seems to be going on with his life the way it was before me, and I am the one making the changes and still hurting over this.

Can't imagine your situation whereas you don't even have a choice, short of leaving your job. Knowing me, and if I were in your shoes, I'd end up leaving my job, just like my social circle, because I am too weak to handle seeing him.