He called =(

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
He called =(
8
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 4:36pm

My office line, my direct line, where I wouldn't be able to know who it was? It was only 2 days, but I was feeling better, I stayed focused.

I answered as usual, with my "professional" greeting and suddenly, heard him say, "Please don't hang up!".....I froze, I completely went numb??? I wasn't happy that's for sure, but I wasn't angry...as a matter of fact, I was terrified. Terrified of saying ANYTHING that would bring me back to where I was. So, I stayed silent, when I should of just HUNG UP!

He said that even though I have every reason to be angry with him, to please not be. That he is always thinking of me and will always love me. That did it, thankfully, when I heard him say, "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU", I completely lost it. Unfortunately, I couldn't completely because I was at work. As calmly as possible I said, "You love your wife and I am asking you for the last time, do not contact me again." Then, I hung up....and ran to the bathroom to cry my eyes out =(.....BUT I hung up, without melting, without saying, "I love you & miss you", without asking him the million dollar question, "WHY"....etc.....etc. Of course he called back, luckily, I was in the bathroom, balling my eyes out. He left me a vm, telling me that he will be back for me, that he will "find the strength" to finally "let go" and he will be back to find me. Is he kidding me? Like he hasn't said that before? UGH!!

I'm rambling, yet again, now I'm sad, where did all that anger go?? Why does he enjoy contacting me?? Why does he INSIST on torturing me this way??

I know all the answers I'm just venting....

I miss him so much, this hurts, I don't want to feel this way anymore...I have to remind myself that he doesn't really want/love me, he just wants to have his "cake and eat it too".

Doves

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: doves6
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 4:57pm
Awwwwww Honey! I feel your pain! I wish I could come over, give you a big old hug and help you wipe away those tears over a round of Corona w/ lime. You are right>>>> They just want their cake and eat it too. He just wants to string you along as long as he can, and he is just trying to keep you in that place where he can have control over you as long as he pleases. I am so sorry you are sad and downtrodden! (is that a real word???) But you are headed in the right direction and it will get easier in time.
Cheer up buttercup....It will get better. I promise!
~hugs to you
~meg
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: doves6
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 5:43pm

grab a cold one and let get this party started !!

max

================================

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: doves6
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 6:29pm
Hi Dove, you are crying because yours called and I am crying because mine didn't. UGH! These men! You did an incredibly strong thing by telling him what you did. WOW. I feel like a fool because the last words I said to my mm before we stopped contact were "I will always love you". I should have told him I will always puke when I think of him. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you how I admire you for your strength you showed today. Keep it up ...... I wish you the best because this definitely sucks. Sunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: doves6
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 7:52pm

Doves

You did very well under very hard conditions please be proud of yourself, he does what he does for #1 himself, you need to take take of you from now on and today you took a big step in that direction KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK.

Free

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: doves6
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 8:14pm

DOVES! YOU GO GIRL! i am SOOOOOOOOOOOO *PROUD* of you! It doesn't matter what you were feeling inside you were STRONG to HIS FACE and we are SO proud of YOU!

i knew that stinker would call again. i felt it in my bones.

He just doesn't know how to let go, he just doens't get that he can't HAVE BOTH. i know it's hard, confusing, for us to get. Why would they EVER think they are entitled to both forever??

YOU did the RIGHT THING. He needs to prove to you anything he "claims" about loving you or being with you. And we'll BE HERE FOR YOU!

HUGE HUGS....
jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
In reply to: doves6
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 12:08pm

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

I really need your positive words, I allowed him to creep in my mind last night, but thankfully not too much. Reading your posts really brightened my day!!

Not to bore any of you but I wanted to share insight with all of you that came from two special people that truly brighten EVERY day for me....

My dd's are sooooo adorable, we had an amazing afternoon/night and they are keeping me stronger than anyone. My oldest said to me, "Mommy, he was nice but he broke your heart so we don't want him around!" I asked her why she thought that he broke my heart (being that I am VERY careful of convo's or actions in front of them), well, the little one answered for her and said, "We would see how sad you were when he would leave and he would leave alot". Wow, they made me realize just how much he would indeed "come and go" and how much the pain showed, no matter how hard I try to hide it.

They are the smartest most greatest girls anyone can have and I obviously have done an amazing job rearing them for so long on my own. Their father plays a role but no where near the extent that I need him too or that I do myself. There is no way that I am showing my girls that I can't get through this or that I'm going to allow more of my time ("our" time) to be stripped because of it. They need to grow up and be strong powerful woman that realize that YES we can fall in love and YES we will have relationships but NO that's not what COMPLETES us or MAKES us who we truly are. I want them to be complete as a person and not feel that they NEED someone to make them feel that way!!

I have a feeling that he will keep trying to contact me. That's o.k., because the only way he'll get me is at work and this time, I will hang up!!

I hope I can keep staying strong because I can't lie and tell you that I didn't feel hurt hearing his voice, but I am hanging in here and with my dd's and all of you, I'm going to be fine!

Doves

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: doves6
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 12:57pm

Doves

>>"They are the smartest most greatest girls anyone can have and I obviously have done an amazing job rearing them for so long on my own. Their father plays a role but no where near the extent that I need him too or that I do myself. There is no way that I am showing my girls that I can't get through this or that I'm going to allow more of my time ("our" time) to be stripped because of it. They need to grow up and be strong powerful woman that realize that YES we can fall in love and YES we will have relationships but NO that's not what COMPLETES us or MAKES us who we truly are. I want them to be complete as a person and not feel that they NEED someone to make them feel that way!!"{<<

THEY ARE AMAZING KIDS (they don't miss a thing) AND SO IS THERE MOTHER, all three of you deserve better then what you would ever get from XMM on his best day, YOU show them how it's done.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
In reply to: doves6
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 1:39pm

Thanks Free,

Believe me I will! It's tough, but I've gone through tougher and I was still standing.

Keep cheering for me!!!

Doves