He called - I feel worse

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
He called - I feel worse
4
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 2:57pm
This was day 3 of NC. My cellphone has been sitting on my desk or been in my presence for 24/7 since Monday. I step away from my desk for like 5 mins to talk to a friend/coworker and she says, I think your phone is ringing. I said no, I have it on vibrate. She said, well, it's making noise. I go pick it up - 1 missed call. OMG, I am not going to get my hopes up, it's not him. I press the button and there it is, his number. I dropped the phone on the floor. I scream out "he called, OMG he called, and I wasn't here to answer". I must actually BE the pathetic loser I have been feeling like. So, my friend yells, call him back, now! I check my message first. He just had said, "hi, it's me, just calling to see how you are, so if you get a chance, call me back." I call back, right away. So many things are running through my head, but mostly - he is calling to say he loves me and can't live without me, I know it.

Well, I was wrong. He acted like nothing had happened, nothing was wrong. He just asked what was going on, blah, blah. A little small talk about work. Then I asked why he was calling and he said he wanted to see how I was. I tried to hold back the tears but they just flowed and I managed to say "I'm okay" between the sniffles. He said he got my email yesterday (the one I sent on Tues). He said he doesn't want to hurt me but this is just something he needs to do for himself. I asked him what he meant by that and he said he has a lot of sh*t going on right now - he is trying to quit smoking, the dr. put him on a diet (for high cholesterol/blood pressure), and he has a lot of stress and home and work. He said it was just too much for him to handle and he needs to get his life in order. I asked him if he missed me and he said yes, and of course he had been thiking about me. He said he still loves me, always will, but he just needs some time. I asked what he wanted me to do - will we still be speaking? He said yes, he will call me, not every day, but we will still talk. I said, listen if you want to clear your head and if part of this is making a decision about our relationship, then you shouldn't talk to me at all. I quoted the old "don't know what you got till it's gone" phrase and said maybe his life would be better without me and then he'd know that he doesn't need the relationship with me, or that he would find he couldn't live without me and then he would realize what we have and want me back. I am so mad at myself for saying that! Why couldn't *I* just make the decision - why couldn't I just say, we need to end this?!

I did tell him I support him in whatever he needs to do, and that I want him to be well. I also (you guys are going to kill me) told him that I did think we could work this out, and that even if I could only see him once every few weeks, that would be fine with me. What the F is wrong with me, people!? I caved, big time. The man just has this effect on me, and I am so desperate for his love that I have just reduced myself to a desperate, pathetic, begging loser.

Anyway, that was about it, then his boss came and he had to go. He said if he didn't call me later, he'd call me tomorrow. I did get the feeling that he was leaning towards totally ending it with me. But, I did not want to force him to make a decision, because right now, he would probably choose to end it, because of all that is going on.

I know that he is worse off without me than I am without him. I have a husband who loves me; MM hates his wife. I can see the potential to repair my marriage, whereas he cannot. I am ten years younger than him, I have so much to look forward to. He is just looking at misery with his wife until he leaves or dies. He has nothing else besides work - she doesn't let him out of the house much and when he does go out, she makes his life miserable. How he can choose to live that way and cut ME out of his life is beyond me. But, you know what, that's not my problem. I feel like he might want me back, but WHY oh WHY can't I just tell him that *I* have made the decision that it is over? I think possibly because I am afraid to hear him agree with me, and say yes, I think that is for the best. I WANT him to want me back, I want HIM back.

Man, I was waiting for this phonecall for 3 days, and now, here I am, back at day 1 again. I am sick to my stomach. I am so surprised I am able to keep my lunch down right now, that's how ill I feel.

Well, guys - what now? I don't want him to make a decision, but I also don't want to make one. And it's not fair of him to keep me here in limbo.

I am more confused than ever. This was a HUGE setback. Damn, why did I call him back, WHY!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 3:49pm
Dear nycgemini,

I am with you and I do understand exactly what you are going through. I too had so many times regret what I said or done. Please remember that you are not alone, we all did dumb things that make us angry about ourselves and that's why we are all seeking for advice and help here. I too had that moment where my xMM told me he needs some time to work through things with his work/family. I felt so desperate to keep him even if I knew it was the right thing to do. I do know how it feels to wait every day, every hour for an email from him. I felt so angry at myself because I wanted so bad to be the one who ends the A and not him! I had to go with what HE had decided and that almost killed me to feel so needy and powerless. Where was my proud? Worst of all, I knew in my heart that he wanted to be with me but had no other choice than stop seeing me. Things were complicated, he had to move away and wanted to make things easier with NC. So I know how it feels so unfair to feel a passion and not being able to fulfill because of "exterior" matters, it is not that you don't love each other, it is because things are already set up this way and you cannot change anything. I love him and will always will, but I have decided that I need to take care of me first, and for the sake of my M too.

I know how HARD it is to keep NC, I wanted so many answers, I wanted to continue to live in my fantasy. But you have to decide one day what is good FOR YOURSELF, for your sanity, your happiness. Do you REALLY feel happy when you are with him? Be honest. My xMM will never bring me such things because he just CANNOT.

PLEASE don't blame yourself for what you did/said. What is done is done, you can still change and build a better future for yourself. Only YOU can choose to be free of frustration, guilt and anger NOW. Baby steps are key. Here is the wake up call that you needed to take this decision.

Don't think one second that you are alone, I am strugling here too. Email me if you want to talk, we both can handle that, I am sure.

Hugs,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 3:55pm
<< know how HARD it is to keep NC, I wanted so many answers, I wanted to continue to live in my fantasy.>>

This is so my problem.. i guess I have to get out of this fanatsy world.. You are right.. how happy can an A make me??

I am really needign all these posts today!

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:07pm
Bria, but it's so hard to look at it in the long run. NO, he can't make me happy forever, but he makes me happy NOW, when I am with him, I am happy, in love - I feel needed, desired, wanted, loved. This is the problem, I can't get past NOW, to see the ultimate happiness ahead of me without him.

Baby steps, I know, but.... God, just get me past today.

This is a bad day, a really hard day. My therapist just told me to call him and end it, end it now. Tell him I decided this is unfair to leave me hanging like this, and it is for the best to end it. I could never live with making that decision myself. At least if HE decides it, then I have no choice but to live with it.

Am I making sense? I know I am wrong, I know it. If you guys are feeling anything close to what I am feeling now, I am so sorry, because this is just hell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 10:49pm
I have thought many times over the two months before MM ended it that I should end it. I NEVER had enough strength to do it. I wished I could break away enough to keep it in perspective. I wished it could quietly fade away. None of which happened. So MM has ended it. He had the strength to do what is right. It isn't easy for him but a lot easier for him than me. I think I would have rode that roller coaster forever rather than change. I am no good at change,

There are good days and bad day and sometimes good hours and bad hors. I went from thinking I couldn't give him up one minute to thinking I would be totally fine without him to thinking I had to call him in the next 3 minutes. This all took place in the course of an hour!!

Think of the good thing.. you made it another day. I too spoke to my MM today. It actually was nice to hear some things but again the NC starts all over tomorrow.

Brighter future ahead

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