I don't feel in any position yet to give you 'tough love', I guess I am impressed with what you were able to do. Stand your ground, tell him to buzz off ... you didn't cry. I can't imagine how hard that would be, I can't imagine how badly you are shaking. It's okay. It takes longer for our physiology to catch up to our rationality.
I bet you learned a tonne from this experience.
I am thinking about you, sending you strength and encouragement. Just keep moving onward.
He was putting his 'feelers out', nothing more, nothing less ...
J.
ps: if he calls, hang up ... that's my inside voice learning from yours.
I think you handled that call very well. It is really hard when wounds are as fresh as yours to simply hang up when our guard is down, esp at work. You shaking, that is very normal. These A's take a huge emotional toll that manifests physically in many ways. Be sure to take care yourself in all this. I been on this board a little while and I have to say that I do not know that I would have handled things as well as you did, esp considering you were caught at work etc...
From your posts, I can tell you are very articulate and Clarity may/may not say much about the length of what you said. You are wordy...so I am I. So is Empowerment. The only issue she may have is that the door was cracked open for exAP. Iddy may feel the same?? Let me stop speaking for others...My two cents...you stated:
<<"I said I wouldn't talk to you while you're still married. This is less than a week old. You're still married. You have a lot of decisions to make and you have to make them on your own. I'm not part of that anymore. If you and your wife split up it has to be because you want out, not because you want me. Please don't call me or contact me again until you're done thinking about things and have actually done something. ">>
I take this to say that if your ex left his wife, then you would talk to him? Is this what you want? Or are you done with him altogether? What you said sounded really good and respectable, but by the chance he actually divorces his wife....and I mean a final judgment, not a mere filing, (I am assuming you would demand that), you will talk to or BE with him?
And what about YOU in the meantime? Are you going to play the wait and see what he does game further? Not assuming, truly asking you about you and what you really want for yourself?
FYI-Divorces can go on for years....they are long, painful, arduous etc...thats not to mention the financial aspects and issues regarding the children, that can go on for even more years. Would you REALLY want him even if he did actually leave W? MM rarely go thru with D's and when and if they actually do, they rarely wind up or are with OW, they like their new sense of freedom and its oh so cool to be single again...the last thing they want to do is report in to someone else...particularly OW.
On the big plus side, you are a smart one- you recognized what he said for what it was-manipulation. And based on what you have stated that he stated. He is good at it. He knows just what to say and how to say it and even when. The "don't hang up" is a classic on this board from MM, when they reach out via phone. Another of their favs is the cowardly txt message...saying I love you and/or I miss you. You are light years ahead of me at your point, I could not do a thing.
Now that you have made it over this hurdle where do you go from here? What about you? Is there anything you can do to block his calls from work? Is it possible to let it simply go to vm if you do not recognize the number etc..I know it's work...but if it is important, will most potential clients/customers leave a message? A way to set your ringer for internal vs. external incoming calls?
Be ready for another call in case he tries again...I am betting he is hoping he can say more the next time...and you can not give him that opportunity (unless you want to unwisely). You said yourself, you were having a good day, staying busy, had some time with your son etc...and BAM, he has you shaking. Next time just hang up the second you hear his voice...and yes, I know that is more easily said than done. It takes a strength but you have it. Had you hung up instead of explaining what you had said you would not be as affected by him saying what he did. I am hoping him saying he is "thinking" he is going to leave her and wants to be with you is not resonating with you this evening or tomorrow morning.
You did well. Very well, all things considered. But you have to protect yourself for the future...Hope you have a good evening...
ps, sent you an email yesterday checking on you...was thinking of you.
"Bottomline...no divorce papers...no talks, and this should be non-negotiable.
Clarity"
CUT - THAT'S A WRAP
That's it in a nutshell. Nothing more you need to consider.
Speaking of nutshell, this thread got me thinking about a poster's signature in another online forum. It said, "The next guy who cheats on me is going to get a kick in the nutz!"
I would like to adapt it to fit how I am feeling. "The next married guy who hits on me is going to get a kick in the nutz!" Ha!
No offense to the married ones here...I think you all get the idea. ;)
I don't feel in any position yet to give you 'tough love', I guess I am impressed with what you were able to do. Stand your ground, tell him to buzz off ... you didn't cry. I can't imagine how hard that would be, I can't imagine how badly you are shaking. It's okay. It takes longer for our physiology to catch up to our rationality.
I bet you learned a tonne from this experience.
I am thinking about you, sending you strength and encouragement. Just keep moving onward.
He was putting his 'feelers out', nothing more, nothing less ...
J.
ps: if he calls, hang up ... that's my inside voice learning from yours.
Wow, I'm so impressed that you understand it to be manipulation.
myShadow (cuz surely this isn't the real me)
I"m exhausted.
NC since 2/4/2010
Dignity,
I think you handled that call very well. It is really hard when wounds are as fresh as yours to simply hang up when our guard is down, esp at work. You shaking, that is very normal. These A's take a huge emotional toll that manifests physically in many ways. Be sure to take care yourself in all this. I been on this board a little while and I have to say that I do not know that I would have handled things as well as you did, esp considering you were caught at work etc...
From your posts, I can tell you are very articulate and Clarity may/may not say much about the length of what you said. You are wordy...so I am I. So is Empowerment. The only issue she may have is that the door was cracked open for exAP. Iddy may feel the same?? Let me stop speaking for others...My two cents...you stated:
<<"I said I wouldn't talk to you while you're still married. This is less than a week old. You're still married. You have a lot of decisions to make and you have to make them on your own. I'm not part of that anymore. If you and your wife split up it has to be because you want out, not because you want me. Please don't call me or contact me again until you're done thinking about things and have actually done something. ">>
I take this to say that if your ex left his wife, then you would talk to him? Is this what you want? Or are you done with him altogether? What you said sounded really good and respectable, but by the chance he actually divorces his wife....and I mean a final judgment, not a mere filing, (I am assuming you would demand that), you will talk to or BE with him?
And what about YOU in the meantime? Are you going to play the wait and see what he does game further? Not assuming, truly asking you about you and what you really want for yourself?
FYI-Divorces can go on for years....they are long, painful, arduous etc...thats not to mention the financial aspects and issues regarding the children, that can go on for even more years. Would you REALLY want him even if he did actually leave W? MM rarely go thru with D's and when and if they actually do, they rarely wind up or are with OW, they like their new sense of freedom and its oh so cool to be single again...the last thing they want to do is report in to someone else...particularly OW.
On the big plus side, you are a smart one- you recognized what he said for what it was-manipulation. And based on what you have stated that he stated. He is good at it. He knows just what to say and how to say it and even when. The "don't hang up" is a classic on this board from MM, when they reach out via phone. Another of their favs is the cowardly txt message...saying I love you and/or I miss you. You are light years ahead of me at your point, I could not do a thing.
Now that you have made it over this hurdle where do you go from here? What about you? Is there anything you can do to block his calls from work? Is it possible to let it simply go to vm if you do not recognize the number etc..I know it's work...but if it is important, will most potential clients/customers leave a message? A way to set your ringer for internal vs. external incoming calls?
Be ready for another call in case he tries again...I am betting he is hoping he can say more the next time...and you can not give him that opportunity (unless you want to unwisely). You said yourself, you were having a good day, staying busy, had some time with your son etc...and BAM, he has you shaking. Next time just hang up the second you hear his voice...and yes, I know that is more easily said than done. It takes a strength but you have it. Had you hung up instead of explaining what you had said you would not be as affected by him saying what he did. I am hoping him saying he is "thinking" he is going to leave her and wants to be with you is not resonating with you this evening or tomorrow morning.
You did well. Very well, all things considered. But you have to protect yourself for the future...Hope you have a good evening...
ps, sent you an email yesterday checking on you...was thinking of you.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Ok, Clarity, go on and tell me I talked to him too long.
ACTION:
"Bottomline...no divorce papers...no talks, and this should be non-negotiable.
Clarity"
CUT - THAT'S A WRAP
That's it in a nutshell. Nothing more you need to consider.
Speaking of nutshell, this thread got me thinking about a poster's signature in another online forum. It said, "The next guy who cheats on me is going to get a kick in the nutz!"
I would like to adapt it to fit how I am feeling. "The next married guy who hits on me is going to get a kick in the nutz!" Ha!
No offense to the married ones here...I think you all get the idea. ;)