He called, need support.. pls
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He called, need support.. pls
| Thu, 01-06-2005 - 2:13am |
Hi..
About 15 mins back, my daughter called out and said it was my phone, when I asked who it was she said the name of my xOM. I called her to me and quietly told her to say I was out. She did the same. Then ofcourse I explained to her that yes he was my friend at one time but was a very childish person, who lied a lot etc etc and so I did not really feel like associating with him anymore. My daughter accepted it. Both my kids knew xOM and so did husband. They just thought he was my friend thats all.
I feel sooooo woried now that he is going to try to make contact again.. I have told my daughter to make any excuse she can but not to say I was home.
I feel good about the NC, I was tempted yes, to take the call, but that would have set me back a million paces, and I have made such good progress over the past 3 weeks.. I just did NOT want to regress. Please someone talk to me, I am feeling sooo insecure suddenly. Slightly guilty too, because my feelings are still there for him. Thats what scares me.. But yes i do feel good about not talking to him. So am going to be really strong.
Thanks for reading and listening
Hugs
Trish
About 15 mins back, my daughter called out and said it was my phone, when I asked who it was she said the name of my xOM. I called her to me and quietly told her to say I was out. She did the same. Then ofcourse I explained to her that yes he was my friend at one time but was a very childish person, who lied a lot etc etc and so I did not really feel like associating with him anymore. My daughter accepted it. Both my kids knew xOM and so did husband. They just thought he was my friend thats all.
I feel sooooo woried now that he is going to try to make contact again.. I have told my daughter to make any excuse she can but not to say I was home.
I feel good about the NC, I was tempted yes, to take the call, but that would have set me back a million paces, and I have made such good progress over the past 3 weeks.. I just did NOT want to regress. Please someone talk to me, I am feeling sooo insecure suddenly. Slightly guilty too, because my feelings are still there for him. Thats what scares me.. But yes i do feel good about not talking to him. So am going to be really strong.
Thanks for reading and listening
Hugs
Trish

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Trish,
Because of issues stemming from my own childhood, your post has made me feel quite ill.
Asking your daughter to cover your tail and protect you from your affair partner is not okay. You're thinking, hey, no biggie, it was just a phone call, right? Wrong.
Quite apart from involving her in what may or may not be the death throes of your affair, by asking your daughter to cover your tail for you, you've just shown your daughter that:-
1) It's ok to lie to people;
2) It's perfectly acceptable to dodge unpleasant responsibilities by simply avoiding whatever it is that's uncomfortable rather than stepping up to the plate to deal with it;
3) It's ok to ask other people to do your dirty work for you when you can't be bothered to deal with sorting something out yourself.
I'm an extreme case, Trish. From the age of 11 after having walked in on him & a neighbour, I was then involved in the vast majority of my father's many affairs by being his alibi while he met with his many various OW over the years (just taking Posie to the stables, mall, skating rink, etc).
From my father I learned it was ok to lie to people if what they didn't know couldn't hurt me. I learned how to dodge responsibility for my own actions by manipulation and by flicking that troublesome responsibility onto someone elses' unwitting shoulders after having duped them into happily taking the fall for me. I was a willing pupil and I idolised my father until I was able to learn better for myself.
If it's your landline, contact your service provider to request his known numbers be blocked. Change the sim card in your cell phone even if it means losing the damn phone altogether so that exOM does not have your number.
If someone threatened the security of my child, you'd have to physically pull me off of them. You're seeing your own pain rather than the threat OM has just posed to your child's security. Wake up, Trish, your family is under attack and this attack is one of the consequences for your choices, decisions & actions.
I'm asking you, no I'm begging you, Trish, please do not inflict even a tiniest sliver of the kind of psychological damage on your own child that I received.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Good girl! :-) It really is the best thing you can do for yourself, your sanity, and your family. And of course you still have feelings for this man. We're not water faucets -- can't turn us off and on in a second. :-)
Could I make a suggestion, please? Don't get your daughter involved in this in any way, shape or form. Take the call, say hello and that you don't want him to call again, and hang up without giving him a chance to respond. This is your problem and not your daughter's. I really do understand, but I am hoping you do too.
Love you -- and keep up the great work! It's hard -- but this will pass.
Hi Posie,
Thanks, I will not tell my daughter to cover again, but I honestly did not want to hear his voice and made the decision on the spot. Luckily my daughter does not know that he is an affair partner, neither does my husband or family so there will be no harm done.
My kids are very well balanced and not at all insecure, infact they are as close to me as any child can be to a mother. My situation does not seem in the least like your father's because they have never covered for me and lied while I was out with my OM. They thought I was out with a female friend. So you need not worry about that honestly..
But anyway thanks much for the warning.. I can see what you went through. Besides you are the one who helped me frame the "final letter" so I better take heed to what you say :-)
Take care and god bless
Trish
This is confusing huh!!
Anyway take care and hugs
Trish
Hiya Trish,
As I said, mine was a rather extreme case, however, the 3 points I listed are things you are unconsiously teaching your children. And they'll teach those things to their children, etc. etc. etc.
Don't look for ways your situation is different from mine, Trish, instead look for the similarities.
I was a bright, happy, well-adjusted, highly sociable, confident kid. I was also very close to my father. I had no idea that what I was being taught was wrong. If a kid is taught that the colour purple is called orange, when you point at something purple & ask that kid what colour it is she's going to say it's orange.
Kids aren't half as blind as most folk imagine. They really will do as you do rather than as you say. What are you doing, Trish?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I am not asking for your opinions on how to bring up my kids at all
So lets stop this string here and now.. shall we???
Know you are trying to help but I know what i am doing to a great extent and only needed the help on ending the affair.. lets not go so deep ok? I dont need to get upset about things that dont really matter so much, because so far, my daughter does not even know about the affair neither does my husband of family, and my daughter is old enough to undrsand that i do not appreciate the company of another friend anymore. And make a small excuse on my behalf on the same. Your childhood i am sorry about but dont get so deep into it, u wil never recover dear..
Thanks
Trish
Hiya Trish,
This is a public message board. When you put it out there that you're so too much pain & anguish that you're allowing your daughter to answer your phone to your ex-lover and encouraging her to lie on your behalf, you shouldn't be expecting any Mother of the Year awards.
While she may not be fully aware of the intimacy of your relationship with your ex-lover, if she's old enough for you to be asking her to lie for you, she'll be old enough to understand that there's probably something fishy going on.
I've told you the effect being taught to lie & deceive others in order to avoid one's own responsibilities and the consequences of their own actions has had on me. The last 11 months have been spent working hard to reverse the damage inadvertently done there, damage done out of no maliciousness whatsoever.
My father was no monster, Trish. He loved my brother & I dearly. He did what he could to prepared us by giving us the tools to deal with the big, bad world as he perceived it. His perceptions were essentially that everyone is out for number one so you better had be, too.
His words told us lying was wrong, yet he lied freely when it suited him and so that is what we learned. He told us that hurting others was wrong, yet he freely manipulated & used people and so that is what we learned. He did the best he could. He would no doubt tell you he was a wonderful, loving father.
There was no intent to twist his children's sense of integrity or give them flexible morals, yet that was the end result. I have no anger or resentmet towards him, I simply feel pity for a man who was and remains unable to overcome his own upbringing in order to find some personal growth & self-awareness.
Over the last 11mos, I've delved deeply into the matter of my childhood and the effects it had on my choices, decisions & actions over the course of my life sufficiently to have put it to rest and so that my own daughter is not doomed to this vicious circle. It is at rest and I am at peace with it. Until I see it be lived all over again here on a public message board where I feel compelled to respond on behalf of the child I was in hopes some other kid doesn't have to live my life all over again.
Just like any other opinion on any other public message board, take what you want and leave the rest.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Trish
You may want to consider *69 find out what number he was calling from and have it blocked by your phone company, if he presists trying to contact you another brief e-mail telling him to cease or you will take legal action to (restraining order) stop him from contacting you in the future. Or you could consider having a Lawyer right him a warning letter (don't use your regular family lawyer).
I say do not talk to him at all for any reason, any response will only encourage him.
Free
Hiya Free,
The importance of changing/blocking phone numbers & EM/IM programmes has been stressed repeatedly on these boards shifts a little higher when there's a possibility your kids might become involved in the death throes of a parent's affair.
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I disagree here. I think in this case a phone call should be made to the ex-lover to set strongly request that he never, ever contact the parent again and spelling out that all further calls/em's/im's/tm's will be logged for the purpose of handing to the courts in order to obtain a restraining order.
When a parent defecates on his or her doorstep, it's the PARENT who should clean up that particular mess rather than delegating it to a child.
Posie
Posie
I agree completly that the kids should not be involved in any way at all, But I don't agree with talking directly to the XAP, He did not respect the E-MAIL so way would he respect a phone call anymore, people respond to Consequences and the threat of legal action tends to gets peoples attention in most cases.
Free
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