He called, need support.. pls
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He called, need support.. pls
| Thu, 01-06-2005 - 2:13am |
Hi..
About 15 mins back, my daughter called out and said it was my phone, when I asked who it was she said the name of my xOM. I called her to me and quietly told her to say I was out. She did the same. Then ofcourse I explained to her that yes he was my friend at one time but was a very childish person, who lied a lot etc etc and so I did not really feel like associating with him anymore. My daughter accepted it. Both my kids knew xOM and so did husband. They just thought he was my friend thats all.
I feel sooooo woried now that he is going to try to make contact again.. I have told my daughter to make any excuse she can but not to say I was home.
I feel good about the NC, I was tempted yes, to take the call, but that would have set me back a million paces, and I have made such good progress over the past 3 weeks.. I just did NOT want to regress. Please someone talk to me, I am feeling sooo insecure suddenly. Slightly guilty too, because my feelings are still there for him. Thats what scares me.. But yes i do feel good about not talking to him. So am going to be really strong.
Thanks for reading and listening
Hugs
Trish
About 15 mins back, my daughter called out and said it was my phone, when I asked who it was she said the name of my xOM. I called her to me and quietly told her to say I was out. She did the same. Then ofcourse I explained to her that yes he was my friend at one time but was a very childish person, who lied a lot etc etc and so I did not really feel like associating with him anymore. My daughter accepted it. Both my kids knew xOM and so did husband. They just thought he was my friend thats all.
I feel sooooo woried now that he is going to try to make contact again.. I have told my daughter to make any excuse she can but not to say I was home.
I feel good about the NC, I was tempted yes, to take the call, but that would have set me back a million paces, and I have made such good progress over the past 3 weeks.. I just did NOT want to regress. Please someone talk to me, I am feeling sooo insecure suddenly. Slightly guilty too, because my feelings are still there for him. Thats what scares me.. But yes i do feel good about not talking to him. So am going to be really strong.
Thanks for reading and listening
Hugs
Trish

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Hiya Free,
From the time you obtain an appointment with a lawyer to the time a simple letter is issued from the lawyer's office there can often be a delay of as long as a week, sometimes more.
I guess I'd be inclined to make that phone call right NOW whilst waiting on the lawyer's appointment rather than playing with my family's security for a nanosecond longer. But, hey, that's just me.
Posie
Posie
I have had cause to issue such a letter and it only took me 2 days so it may depend were you are and how busy the lawyers are, But there does not seem to be a short term threat to the family if he cannot contact of her which is his goal, giving him an inch seems the greater threat because he will not stop if he senses weakness he will see any contact as encouragement in my opinion.
How ever you look at it she needs to put him to flight once and for all.
Free
Hiya Free,
<<>>
He *is* contacting her via her young daughter, Free. The threat to the family, specifically to the child dragged into this sordid mess, is both very real and immediate.
Trish has not chosen to block or change phone numbers nor so far as she's told us here has she blocked internet communications. The consequences for Trish in not having set appropriate boundaries with her ex-lover includes having therefore left her family wide open to just this very scenario.
<<>>
I'm guess I'm baffled as to how:- "Do not phone me, do not email me, do not text me, do not IM me, do not send up smoke signals, carrier pigeons will be shot out of the air. Any failure to honour my request will result in legal proceedings to obtain a restraining order. Good bye." could be construed as encouragement...
Posie
Posie
"Trish has not chosen to block or change phone numbers nor so far as she's told us here has she blocked internet communications."
If she has not been able to do this then... what makes you think she can do this....
" "Do not phone me, do not email me, do not text me, do not IM me, do not send up smoke signals, carrier pigeons will be shot out of the air. Any failure to honour my request will result in legal proceedings to obtain a restraining order. Good bye"
Blocking his calls is quick and easy a good first step in protecting the children... but only a beginning.
Free
Thanks Free, thank you so much for giving me the benefit of the doubt. Just went through the string, I just woke up, I live in a time zone way away from you :-)
<<>>
You are right I live in a country wherein blocking calls is not possible .. believe me I tried asking but there was no response from the telephone company on it..besides xOM can call from a public booth right? How can I block that now??? There is a public phone facility every few shops on every road here :-( I have blocked emails and messanger IDS completely though becaus that is possible.
And YES I DONT WANT to have even one tiny word with xOM because I KNOW HIM. He will think I have decided to start over. I wanted to just make absolutely NC with him as stressed over and over on this board, which so far has helped me a great deal which put me into this situation. I had once mentioned this in a string that i was afraid of this, and its finally hit me in the face. About how to handle it if he calls, because no one here knows of the affair so even my husband who thought he was only a friend, would hand me the call if he picks up the phone.
I will keep you updated on whether he tries again. But I am not talking to him Free.. I cannot do it, that is exactly what caused me to stray back to him every time after the earlier break ups.
Once again, thanks for your support Free.
Posie, I apreciate your concern too, sorry if I went off the high horse there on one message, didnt mean to be rude.
Hugs
Trish
Hiya Free,
<<
"Do not phone me, do not email me, do not text me, do not IM me, do not send up smoke signals, carrier pigeons will be shot out of the air. Any failure to honour my request will result in legal proceedings to obtain a restraining order. Good bye">>>
What wouldn't you do to protect your children, Free?
And how long would you be prepared to allow a loaded firearm to be pointed at your kids?
It doesn't take long for someone (OM) already proven to be selfish and uncaring of anyone elses' needs except their own to say something to the effect of:- "Tell your Mommy I love and miss her," or far, far worse.
<<>>
Agreed, it's a start, but so is making a phone call when your children's welfare & security are in danger...
Bottom line here is if Wayward Spouses (generally) with children could put their kid's needs over their own, this wouldn't be an issue, would it?
You really don't want to know what I'd do if someone were a threat to my child. Or just how quick I'd be about it.
Posie
No probs, Trish. Really.
Just have your kid phone me collect for the number of a great therapist when she needs it.
Wishing your daughter strength & peace,
Posie
Posie
If it were me he would get a #9 wrench on the back of his head, But thats were I am at today, there was a time were such a converstion may very well have been more then I could have handled.
18 months ago are you sure you could have been as sure of yourself as you are today, is was not really all that long ago when you slipped at least partway back into your relationship with XOM... Trish is were she is at and if she is to be any good to her family she needs to safeguard herself agains backsliding into the affair and it seems right now for her that means NO CONTACT.
I would love to see her deck this jerk but I don't think that is going to happen today, but it will in time, if she needs to communicate with him then I still favor a short nasty e-mail.
Free
Hiya Free,
<<<18 months ago are you sure you could have been as sure of yourself as you are today, is was not really all that long ago when you slipped at least partway back into your relationship with XOM... Trish is were she is at and if she is to be any good to her family she needs to safeguard herself agains backsliding into the affair and it seems right now for her that means NO CONTACT.>>>
Never mind hypotheticals, I did it 12mos ago and again 7mos ago during my major backslide during which I moved back into his house and played happy families with our 2yr old daughter and his DP's 1yr old daughter.
It hurt, I agonised, in January 04 - a year ago probably this very week - I considered taking my own life I was in that much torment and for THAT reason I entered therapy. My life was unmanageable so I sought professional help.
I got free & clear by setting appropriate boundaries withdrawing any form of contact save between DH & exOM themselves directly & exclusively with regard to contact/visitation between exOM and our daughter. And by maintaining those boundaries. Rigidly.
At no time was a child expected to clean up the feces I'd left on my own doorstep.
<<>>
A short, nasty email is still breaking NC. Sometimes the needs of the family & children of that family under threat outrank the WSes need for NC. Sometimes we just have to face our responsibilities, duties and obligations head-on so the consequences for others are mitigated. Sometimes it's best to tell our Betrayed Spouses so that the threat can be neutralised, but that's another area in which we strongly disagree, Free.
Posie
Posie
Posie
"so I sought professional help."
Maybe the fact that you could openly get that help made a major difference to were your at today as to were you may have been without it. I think that the fact that your situation was always out in the open gave you a huge advantage over most of the people posting here.
As for telling th B/S I am not against it in principle but still believe you have to take it on a case by case bases, there are times to tell no question about it, but I don't know everyones life situation or even the wishs of the B/S some would want to know some would not there spouse knows them better then anyone at a message board could so I think their the only one who can determine if it is the right action to take.
Free
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