He called, need support.. pls

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
He called, need support.. pls
39
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 2:13am
Hi..
About 15 mins back, my daughter called out and said it was my phone, when I asked who it was she said the name of my xOM. I called her to me and quietly told her to say I was out. She did the same. Then ofcourse I explained to her that yes he was my friend at one time but was a very childish person, who lied a lot etc etc and so I did not really feel like associating with him anymore. My daughter accepted it. Both my kids knew xOM and so did husband. They just thought he was my friend thats all.
I feel sooooo woried now that he is going to try to make contact again.. I have told my daughter to make any excuse she can but not to say I was home.
I feel good about the NC, I was tempted yes, to take the call, but that would have set me back a million paces, and I have made such good progress over the past 3 weeks.. I just did NOT want to regress. Please someone talk to me, I am feeling sooo insecure suddenly. Slightly guilty too, because my feelings are still there for him. Thats what scares me.. But yes i do feel good about not talking to him. So am going to be really strong.
Thanks for reading and listening
Hugs
Trish
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 11:30pm

Free,

<<>>

Piffle. No one has to say, "Darling I need therapy because I've had/am having an affair." Lying comes exceedingly easy to us when we're in affairs, if we want therapy, we can get it whether through work, insurance or privately.

"I'm down in the dumps and need therapy, Darling, I hope you'll support me on this" *is* lying by omission in that the whole facts aren't being presented, however, this is hardly be skin off the behind of someone who wants to be dealing with whilst simultaneously covering up an infidelity. Or seeking help when their life has become unmanagable to the point where they involve a child in the death throes of their affair.

<<>>

Interesting thread on ASB concerning what BSes would prefer - check it out. Thread's called "What Should WS have Done?" Of 40 posts, not a single BS stated a preference for continued lies. Actually, two of those posts were mine, so call it a mere 38 posts in agreement...

Perhaps the more relevant question in this particular instance might be:- If Trish's affair were to touch even in the most remote fashion the lives of their children, would Trish's husband want to know about the affair?

Strength & peace, Free
Posie
*hitting the sack*

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 12:39am

Free, again thanks for the suport.. love u for it.. I too was thinking that maybe a short email a very very short one, would be better than calling him. First I contemplated an sms but that can go into a whole conversation too. So it has to be an email. I would definitely backslide if I heard his voice. I know xOM well by now. I am very very new here, not even a month has passed since the final break up so I am not as strong as some of you are which is why I am here in the first place asking for support right?

Maybe Posie can help me with the email:-) she did good with the first one. What say Posie? Give me a short draft ok?

I do not want to get into the issue about my daughter, because i really honestly do not think it is an issue at all. As you rightly said Free, each person knows his or her situation at best. Posie, hope your life gets better and better and the trauma too that you faced as a child fades away soon enough. I guess if we all dig deep all of us have been through some trauma or other, its just the way you perceive it and use it to your advantage or disadvantage.

And Bella.. I if you are reading here, I have not forgotten your advice either on this.. hugsss to u, will email you soon .. Della yes i know!!:-)

Hugs
Trish

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 2:35am

Over 600 viewings to this thread... i gues i would keep out diplomatically too if i was reading on this one
Frankly I am more upset now than I was when I ended the affair, i seem to have gone way way back emotionally.. i am crying buckets here, Posie has really overstepped her boundaries here, specially since i had not asked for more than just support. I apologised but dont know if i mean it really because i do NOT FEEL GOOD after reading Posies posts. She seems to have had it bad, ..but keep your trauma to yourself and dont inflict it on others. Dont use others as a punching bag. Ok you could have told me nicely Posie, like Bella did, not this way!! Maybe I should not have involved my daughter but why condemn me for something that you think will happen to my daughter because it happened to you becasue your father used u as an alibi many a time???? Where in the world is the connection??? I know I should take what I want and discard the rest but its hard to when someone bashes you against the wall the way you have done!!

Free has been very understanding of the situation, and has made me feel better, if she had not been here I would be a worse basket case by now.

So kick me off the board for speaking my mind, but this is it!!! Do not use your traumatic experiences to vent on others. Use them to help others in a nicer way..

So Posie since you say peace be with you, you should keep a more subtle way of projecting your views..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 4:29am

Hiya Trish,

<<>>

A distinct lack of disagreement given the amount of viewings, wouldn't you say?

<<>>

There is a natural grieving process to undergo when ending an affair. This consists of the same steps of grief as required in a bereavement and there are natural peaks & troughs to all the myriad emotions experienced in that period of grieving.

<<>>

You got support, you simply didn't like the content of that support. Definition of "support" direct from The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition follows. The relevant definitions would be numbers (2), (4) and (8).

sup·port ( P ) Pronunciation Key (s-pôrt, -prt)
tr.v. sup·port·ed, sup·port·ing, sup·ports
1. To bear the weight of, especially from below.
2. To hold in position so as to keep from falling, sinking, or slipping.
3. To be capable of bearing; withstand: “His flaw'd heart... too weak the conflict to support” (Shakespeare).
4. To keep from weakening or failing; strengthen: The letter supported him in his grief.
5. To provide for or maintain, by supplying with money or necessities.
6. To furnish corroborating evidence for: New facts supported her story.
7. To aid the cause, policy, or interests of: supported her in her election campaign.
8. To argue in favor of; advocate: supported lower taxes.
9. To endure; tolerate: “At supper there was such a conflux of company that I could scarcely support the tumult” (Samuel Johnson).
10. To act in a secondary or subordinate role to (a leading performer).

<<>>

Since I am not angry, I am not hurt, nor am I offended, no apology is or was necessary. If there weren't a grain of truth to anything I've had to say, how on earth could it possibly contribute to you not feeling good?

<<>>

Trish, to do anything but write off my posts as angry, hurt, bitter, traumatised, etc., it would mean you'd have to give some consideration to what I had to say. Try not to confuse fervor/assertion with anger, pain, bitterness, traumatisation or having had it bad.

<<>>

See above answer. You've not been punched nor are you any pseudo-father-substitute in my mind since these issues have been more than adequately dealt with over the last 12mos or so. It's a nice deflection to continue avoiding what I've said to you in my posts. I'm not using others as a punching bag, but the fact remains you are using your daughter to clean up the mess of your affair.

<<>>

You know how you have some friends who'll tell you that you look fabulous in any outfit you throw on? I'm the other kind of friend, the one who'll tell you the truth that your arse looks like the back of a barn in that get-up. Both types of support have merit. Even when we don't want to hear the second kind of support and even when what we really *want* is to believe we look good in something that is unflattering. Waggling a finger a posting style is another classic deflection from considering the real issues, by the way.

<<>>

No maybe's about it, Trish, you should not have involved your daughter in covering your tail during the last gasps of the death throes of your affair.

<<>>

I'm glad you asked that. By asking your daughter to take a phone call from your exOM and asking her to lie on your behalf, you actually asked your daughter to provide an alibi for you - specifically to say you were somewhere else so could not take exOM's call. Where were you so that you couldn't take the call, Trish? Standing nearby having coached your daughter what lie to tell him? How is this not an alibi? The question you should be asking is how *different* really is it? I see the difference as merely a matter of extent, duration & frequency.

<<>>

You've not been bashed, Trish. Your thoughts & your actions and the possible consequences thereof have been called into question. There's a big difference. People may disagree strongly without bashing whether verbally or physically, and without getting upset, angry, traumatised or bitter or even all red in the face. Adults do it often in lively discussions, debates and frank exchanges of information.

<<>>

Free believes you are capable of doing less than what I believe you are capable of doing. Who will be available to make your daughter feel better should this blow up in your face & exOM asks your daughter to pass on a loving, miss-you message to her Mommy? It's a possibility, Trish. You're walking a very, very fine line and you are trusting exOM (who has already, right along with you in choosing to have an affair, displayed zero interest in your family's or daughter's security) to play fair and do the decent thing.

You say elsewhere that you know what exOM is like and are unwilling to face-up to him with a phone call, yet this is *exactly* what you are expecting your daughter to do for you in fielding his phone calls. You're asking your daughter to do a job you believe yourself incapable of accomplishing. You are asking your daughter to face someone whom you know full well is manipulative & controlling & has little respect for you or others in your family. You are asking a child to do a job which belongs firmly in the adult world. Do you disagree?

<<>>

I do not as a rule report posts, I've yet to see a post directed towards me which would hurt, annoy, irk, irritate or honk me off to the point where I'd use the report a violation feature. I know where it is, I simply believe in freedom of speech even if I don't agree with the contents of a post. I have not nor will I report your post since I genuinely cannot see any need to do so.

<<>>

Again, viewing my posts as anything but traumatised or bitter or hurt or angry or bashing in nature would indicate there's a need to consider what I've said. Or that there's a grain of truth.

<<>>

Another common deflection when the bare-bones truth can't be deflected easily is to point the finger at posting style.

<<>>

Subtle is too wishy-washy. When there's wiggle-room, people wiggle. I prefer to say what I mean because I do mean what I say.

Wishing you & your daughter strength & peace,
Posie
Edited for typo's & grammo's




Edited 1/7/2005 4:33 am ET ET by posiepops
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 5:32am
I said what I had to in my last post and I meant it, I will not read the long saga you just put down.. sorry I have not the patience for it..its just to darn long and i am only focusing on NC at the moment..anyways it probably involves all the stuff in your life.. as I said you are just trying to explain yourself time and again.. and I have made up my mind about your first post and how rude it was...let others on the board read it .. and if they do not agree, no one is forcing them to.
I think I should wish YOU the strength and peace that you keep wishing on us .. whatever happened to the Posie i thought was totally stable minded and dependable.. you are a wreck girl!!!
Trish
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 9:56am

Trish

I would say at this point the only thing that matters is making XOM back off, so your going to have to kick his A$$ in no uncertian terms making it clear inas ugly a way as you can that he is NEVER EVER TO CONTACT YOU OR ANY MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY AGAIN.

Keep it SHORT AND TO THE POINT, this is not an opening to a discusion, this is a F$$K OFF and don't come back ever period type e-mail or you will be hereing from my lawyer.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 10:54am

Hiya Trish,

Not reading my post is, of course, your perogative. If you prefer, there is the ignore feature which sometimes makes hiding from the unpleasant truth even easier.

Since you ask, the "stable-minded & dependable Posie" is the one you whose posts you have before you. It is simply far easier for you to write me off as angry, hurt, bitter, or traumatised rather than consider anything I have to say as possibly having some validity. It's harder to face the truth than to look away from it and shout "Unfair!" Or employ deflection techniques in waggling a finger at a posting-style rather than permit yourself to glean anything from the bare-bones truth contained in those posts.

The longer you ask a child to dabble in your adult world of affairs, lies, and deceit, the more likelihood there is she'll be as traumatised as you keep labelling me. The longer you leave it to disarm the loaded gun aimed at her head, the better chance there is of it going off in everyone's faces. But these things, too, are, of course, your own perogative.

I hope for your daughter's sake that gun doesn't go off.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 11:54am

Trish,

You are reacting to Posie in anger. She is pointing out that your judgement is being clouded by your pain. Thicken up your skin a little bit and listen to what she is saying. Read between the lines a bit.

Calling her a 'wreck' is one of the biggest cases of projection I've seen on this and other boards. You are in the bad state here, from what I've read Posie has moved past that low point and is thinking more clearly.

For your sake, don't alienate people on this board. You are the one in the greatest need right now. Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

1T

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 11:57am

Free, as usual, is absolutely right Trish.

In fact, you can probably cut and paste the words of her post into your email.

XOM,
I asked you never to speak to me again. Should you ever try to contact me or anyone in my family ever again I will not hesitate to report your harassment to the authorities. This is not a threat, but a promise. Move on with your life as I have. Immediately.

Good luck Trish!!

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Fri, 01-07-2005 - 12:16pm

I am a longtime lurker on this board, a "recovered" OW, and generally try to avoid jumping into conflicts such as this one, but I read this thread last night and was unable to sleep, it was so very upsetting. Please understand that the following is intended to help, and not to hurt you.

You say "I do not want to get into the issue about my daughter, because i really honestly do not think it is an issue at all." YOU ARE WRONG; IT IS DEFINITELY AN ISSUE, and a very important one that you need to address for the sake of BOTH your children, whether you are comfortable with it or not. Avoidance will not serve you here.

While the tone of Posie's posts was certainly inappropriate for a "support" board, you must recognize, Trish, that Posie is fighting FOR your daughter, not AGAINST you.

As one who works with emotionally damaged children, I have to agree completely with her warnings. I do not agree with her tone, but clearly she is in a lot of pain, and her intentions are honorable; Posie is fighting a difficult battle to reclaim her life, and doesn't want to see your children in the same position.

By asking your daughter to lie to OM for you, you are doing the following:

-You are teaching her that lying casually is OK/normal, thereby stealing both her integrity and her innocence.
-You are teaching her that it is OK/normal to use deceit and manipulation in relationships.
-You are teaching her that it is OK/normal to avoid the responsibility of dealing with problems in relationships, even if it means hiding behind a child.
-You are putting her in the middle of an unhealthy situation that is YOUR responsibility. She may not know that he was your affair partner, but trust me, she is almost certainly picking up on the subtext. Children have highly developed emotional radar for things that aren't quite right in the emotional lives of their families.

Trish, while I recognize your pain and the difficulty you are having dealing with OM, you need to understand that the behavior and life skills you are modeling for your child will negatively affect her ability to have happy, healthy relationships in the future. Any child development specialist will corroborate this.

Your comment that you cannot even hear OM's voice without backsliding shows that you have self-esteem problems, and it is entirely possible that you have "inherited" your unhealthy coping skills. Do you really want to pass those problems on to your own children?

I urge you STRONGLY to get some counseling to help you with this situation and help you to understand why you are doing this to yourself and your children. You need to learn some healthy coping skills and to build up your self-worth, or you are condemning yourself AND your children to a life of pain.

Not what you want to hear, I'm sure, but this is offered in a spirit of SUPPORT from one who knows too well how unhealthy behavioral patterns pass down from parents to children. You have to power (yes, YOU DO HAVE POWER) to stop this cycle now, and give yourself and your children the gift of a better future. One day you may bless this awful mess for getting you to the place where you turned your lives around.

I wish you the very, very best on this journey to wholeness.

-mtnsweetheart-