He came around!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
He came around!
18
Wed, 04-28-2010 - 6:49pm

Oh gosh…


NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 11:00am

Hi Dee,

Getting or not getting a RO is such a complex decision - in my experience they are necessary if there is on-going harassment or risk of abuse, because the perp. will serve (more) time for breaking a RO than often the original charge (i.e. harassment or assault). Because this is now against orders of the court - a big NO NO.

I don't believe that someone can be stopped by a RO who is intent on continuing to perpetuate fear and/or has become so obsessive that they fail to consider the consequences of their actions or disregard the potential implications of their behaviour. Putting the RO in place creates that paper trail so that when the victim has to report a violation of the RO, actions can be taken to incarcerate the perp. rather than let them off with a warning, which is usually the case.

Is this clear as mud?

All this serves as a reminder that these situations are so unstable, and can be potentially really dangerous, especially as many on here are dealing with xAP's who lack accountability and reflexivity - they continue to cause hurt regardless of the consequences. They show total disregard for boundaries that have been established to end the affair and from the sounds of it, many xAP have mental health issues and substance use issues. This all doesn't favor well for the woman attempting to leave, gain back control and disregard his needs.

TU.




Edited 4/29/2010 11:45 am ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 11:17am

Hi TU,


<>


I’d be telling them how to go and get a permit to carry and which guns are more user friendly for women.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 12:34pm

Hello Gang,

I do have some extensive experience with RO's. Both professionally and personally. I am also a D attorney. I never post that for various reasons. Doing my line of work puts me in a position where people ask me questions that I not only may not only know the answer, and if I do, and I answer, that creates what's called a fiduciary relationship. Courts have ruled that this can not only be done in person, via the telephone, or even online message boards as well.

But since none of you are really asking me ;) I am going to post some information. As E-1 stated, documentation is key. Write it all down, dates times, details. ALL of it. It has to be continuous and/or rise to the level that a reasonable person would be fearful of his/her safety. Just as E-1 said. Keep in mind that things vary from state to state. In some states, you do not even go before a judge, you swear in a statement (affidavit). The judge reads it. Makes a decision, and you get the papers. You are supposed to keep them on you at all times. The order follows you wherever you go. Not just the jurisdiction it was obtained. So if you go visit fam or friends in another state, you are covered (well as much as a piece of paper can anyway). Mind you if you move, you can have shoud have it transferred and/or refiled in the county where you reside or the defendant/abuser resides. Depends on the state. That Court then has to give the party what is called notice, so you need to have a valid address of where the party lives. He has to know that he there is this order out there against him/her. This is called service. Service has to be perfected to be valid. There is usually a hearing date set up. This allows the him/her to plead their case to the judge, in the meantime the order is still effective. Most abusers do not show up to these hearings. If they do not show up, the order is usually for a year. Again, this depends on the state. If he does show up the and the judge agrees with victims claims, the orders usually last for about two years.

So to answer all your guys questions, they can on occasion be somewhat easy to get, this is because govt agencies are so trying to make up for the past when they overlooked the abuse and sent victims home to their abusers....or the abused refused to press charges. Some courts are trigger happy to arrest and/or detain abusers for at least 24 hours to give them time to "calm down" when n if a abuser presses charges.
Remember this does change from state to state. So you need to check your state.

Lost,
getting a RO on your hubby is one thing, getting one on exAP is another thing altogether. Try not to compare the ease of one to the other. I know you said you do not plan on getting one, that is your decision and you have no legal basis anyhow. However, you should heed to E-1's every word. Document everything. Better to have it if you need it, than need it and not have it....

Hope this helps a few out...not that I answered any questions.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 12:44pm

Luvin! Dude! YOu're a D attorney???!! Man, oh, man. If you don't get hit up with a gagillion email pleas for free counsel after that post, I will die of shock!

(um, so... I, uh, have a question I'd like to ask you...) ahahahaha
x
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 1:29pm

Ugh yeah, I know, that is why I never posted it. I have had to sit here and play dummy when I read stuff, but the cat is about the bag now....oh dear, I can go back and edit my post shortly.....we shall see how it turns out...hopefully the betrayed spouses are not lurking around here today....

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 1:33pm

I can understand you wanting to keep that under your hat. However, thanks for posting the info. as you never know who is lurking and who you might have helped!


You always have the option of not responding if someone emails you through the board.


Much love and big hugs,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 2:52pm

Yeah, I know. It's really difficult. Like me? I'm, like, this amazing fashionista AND semi-professionally trained psychic--- and it's sooooo hard to keep that shiz under my hat (or should I say, "that amazing light under my basket"?) When people at parties find out what I do(and do so well) they will always ask stuff like, "do these pants make my ass look big". Luckily, the psychic gifts let me intuit ahead of time whether to answer honestly or tell them, "no! heavens, no!"

I feel your pain there, luvin. I feel it.

;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 2:58pm

Dee - laughing my a$$ off.

But with your powers, you would know that!

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

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