He cared so little for my safety

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
He cared so little for my safety
18
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 6:34pm
Hello Again

I am back after being off the board since the end of October. I don't know if anyone remembers me but I am the business partner in an EMA with a toxic MM. I caught him cheating on the EMA ( how strange that sounds...) with at least one other woman - but also found his ad on a swinger site. He moved with his W to another state under the guise of opening a branch of our business, but the reality is that he was moving to be able to travel and see other women without having to work around his W. Of course, he said it was so he could be with ME.

I started seeing a therapist and was feeling really strong. When he and the W made the move, he asked my H if he could stay here - in our house - when he was in town - which was to be about 2 weeks each month. And my H agreed. My therapsit advised against it and I agreed and then....

I feel for his lies and his promises and all the BS and I let him stay here. I also resumed a physical relationship with him. I tried to fool myself into thinking that I was "handling" it well - and that I would be able to wean myself off of him as he was not hear with me at work every single day. Then came the bribing - he asked that I make an agreement with him to be exclusive to each other, other than our spouses. Now, I know how absolutely ridiculous it was to think that a man who is a habitual liar and most likely a sexual addict, could make a keep a promise like that- and the kicker was I *was*

**FAITHFUL** TO HIM .... It was not ME out sleeping around with God knows how many other women... it was HIM. But I agreed .. and I turned a blind eye and believed him when he said he was not sleeping with other women...

AND THEN THE OTHER SHOE DROPPED..... Even worse this time.

This week he was here in town, at my house, and H was out of the country on business. It all went well at first. I had made up my mind to NO SEX with him...but after he guilted me by badgering me and pouting etc..etc.. I gave in. And it was wonderful. I WAS OFF THE WAGON. The next day he was out and had left his laptop open and the curiosity got to me. I peaked. I snooped.. whatever ... and I found at least 50 emails from women HERE in town that he has been seeing ... some since a year ago.. some since 6 months ago... and some he just started seeing in the last month before he moved. I didnt even look at the ones that were from the state he moved to. And the worst part.. is the level of depravity (sp?) that I saw. I wont restate the gorey details..but I know now how little he cared about me to put my SAFETY in jeopardy. I am making an appt for an AIDs test. I know he has had physical contact at gang bangs - without condoms...

And I wonder... what is it inside me - that would make an intelligent woman believe in a liar over and over again? What is it that is so needful inside me that I would allow myself and my husband's very LIFE to be put in jeopardy?

The OMM said he loved me ... for the last 4 years. He cried many times when we talked about how if things we different *we* would be the ones together... and now this. He is a sociopath, a sexual addict, and man of excesses and no boundaries.. and for the life of me, I am praying I am healthy, and I can be strong enough to kick him out of my life for good. He left today to travel "home" to his W - but I know he is stopping on the way - to visit his other other woman.. I saw the emails between them. I know how very, very hurt I am and how angry.

F4L

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 6:41pm
Wow that is a pretty intense situation. I suggest you ban him from your house immediately and get tested soon. I don't blame you for being that angry or hurt. Anyone of us would be. I will pray for you that all of your tests are negative.

Arcy

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 6:53pm
Fool....

I too got involved with a sex addict. I have found out alot of stuff about him within the past month that has literally made me vomit. He too put on the act and cried. he is not married, but i felt that our A monogamous given that I no longer sleep with H. He was manipulative and put on a good act. i also saw him break down into tears while on his knees. He is sick...sex addicts will say whatever they can in order to get immediate gratification. When he was married to his ex he had numerous one night stands, went to sex parties and was with prostitutes. I spoke to her recently and she told me all this, she has no reason to lie to me.

I had every STD test done and an HIV test..all negative thank God, but HIV antibodies take a while to show up in your bloodstream...

Don't walk away from this man....RUN....get him the F*CK out of your house...what a freaking stupid idea to have him living there a few days a month! ....Cut off all contact...tell him that you know he is a pig and you have nothing more to say to him.

PLEASE DO THIS FOR YOURSELF!!! I've been there, I am there, trust me I KNOW how shocking and devastating this is. This isn't about a man that likes to play the field...this is an ADDICTION! This man is an ADDICT!

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 6:54pm
Arcy...the test is tomorrow...

Wish me luck

F4L

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 7:09pm
Does this guy's W know about his behavior?

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 7:10pm
get it all done fool...gonnorrhea, chlamydia, HPV, Hepatitis, and the HIV. A test for herpes is usually not done unless you are symptomatic. i was a lab tech, i've seen it all....

i will pray for your health.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 2:06am
"...what a freaking stupid idea to have him living there a few days a month! ...."

There are a few extenuating circumstances that allowed him to be here a few days a month.

1. One of which is that he and I own a business together and the office was - is - in my home.

2. Our respective spouses know nothing of our A, and so to my H and his W, it seemed a normal thing for him to be here.

3. His W and my H frequently socialized as a couple, so his W and my H would have been immediately suspicious if our working R and friendship IMMEDIATELY changed.

4. He confronted my H with the idea and my H, innocently made that decision.

To that end, it is STILL a little tricky to end this thing with a total NC. ( I have posted about this before.) I wish I had the luxury of walking away and never seeing or speaking to him again. But even severing our business relationship and our business will take some time - if and when I can get him to agree to it.

Personally, I do not believe - coming clean with the H is right thing to do - unless it becomes medically neccessary. And should that happen, my M will end. His W will take him back as she always does ( he has been caught a few times - including his fling with her sister before they were even married...)

I may be naive and gullible and maybe you think stupid -probably everyone will think I am just a stupid woman... but this man was a BIG part of my life to several years.. our A was a 4 year "R" and aside from his sexual addiction... he has a good heart, and I believe that the man - without the addiction- loved me and cared for me - but that his addiction as it got worse, made that goodness less and less apparent - and his caring was for his "thrill".

I am not saying I want him back, or that I think we will ever be the same, but I have to find a middle ground.. and have to not only think of my emotional situation, my health situation, but also there is a business with liabilities that need to be considered. Were I totally to just "walk away" from *everything* - I would be financially liable for outstanding contracts, since the legal and financial end of the business was my bailywick.

That said, I appreciate your post. At least I do not feel like I was the only one out there that has had to discover this about someone I cared for and loved.

F4L

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 2:17am
No, his W has no idea to what extent his cheating has taken on. I know she has suspicions that he has cheated recently. This has been an ongoing behavior pattern in their marriage - his cheating, she finds out, he begs forgiveness and life goes on.

As I mentioned in other posts about our business.. she is the title holder to our equipment. That is a big issue here. I WANT to tell her in some way - annonymous letter,etc.. but ...from some recent conversations with her before they moved, I know, she will pull the equipment, and I know she will put our business in a bind - which has legal ramifications to me. We are not incorporated so there are huge liabilities which financially I cannot absorb.

BUT I AGREE - SHE HAS TO KNOW FOR HER OWN SAFETY! I am just at a loss as to how to let her know. Not to mention that she will look on his computer and find so many emails from me and so many photos ... there will be no hiding it anymore. That will end my M - no doubt on my part.

F4L

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 9:23am

I WANT to tell her in some way - annonymous letter,etc.. but ...from some recent conversations with her before they moved, I know, she will pull the equipment, and I know she will put our business in a bind - which has legal ramifications to me. We are not incorporated so there are huge liabilities which financially I cannot absorb.


Oh, well then by all means, don't tell her.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 9:33am
F4L:

I was not calling YOU stupid, so please do not think that. If there is a stupid person on this board it is I....but I won't go into that now...

My A was a relationship, and it lasted three years. I do not and will not think of it as special anymore, because how special could it have been if this man was living with secrets....addict or not I think he still could have handled things better....again, this isn't about me so I won't go into details.

Having him in your house was playing with fire. Did you think he could be there and you not want him physically?

You know what fool, it does'nt really matter anymore who did what and who lived where, the important thing is that you are healthy and that you are going to move on. I was not sleeping with my H, so atleast I knew that if I did have a disease then it was only me that had it...I cant imagine having to tell H that he might have something, but you will have to tell him.

MXOM caught gonnorhea and did not tell his wife out of fear I guess. He got treated but didn't tell her.

The more I read about sex addiction the more I feel like a fool that I did not see the signs...

Try and not beat yourself up over things.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 1:31pm
YOU KNOW...I AM SO F'ing ***PISSED*** at your attitude towards my post!!!!!! You excerpted ONE statement out of a whole post. HAD you taken a minute to think beyond your own self righteousness for a MINUTE and READ the whole post, my next statement - was HOW to tell her.

FIRST OF ALL... It is NOT ME that put her life in jeopardy - or mine for that matter!!!!!!

It is HER H WHO HAS BEEN CHEATING ON HER FOR ALL OF THEIR MARRIED LIFE and she knows it.

I would think ... if I was in her shoes I would have either kicked him to the curb by now or at the very least had some tests myself.

SECOND....IF and ONLY IF my tests are returned postive to HIV will I tell her about it - in some way. THEN I will also have to tell my H. Until then... it is not something I want to do. I F'ed up my life - is there are reason to do it to 2 others???

I am so sick of being the ONE that caused the pain - etc etc.. I DID not go out looking for the A. When we first met, he represented himself as single and I was legally seperated...I did not know the truth about his W or his M until 2 years into the relationship.

I am NOT worried about the MONEY - as in " gee, how will I buy my next pair of Manolo's" but more in how it will impact my H. I cannot afford to be sued for over a million dollars in liabilities because I loved a man with a GD Addiction. I wasnt the one sleeping with other women, participating in gang bangs and meeting Men on the corner for some oral sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had NO IDEA about this until October of this year.

So get off your high horse, and DO NOT judge ME for loving someone who had a life of secrets!!!!!!!


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