He contacted me..
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He contacted me..
| Tue, 09-22-2009 - 5:28pm |
I just buried my grandmother and I come home and theres an email (to that old account I said before) from him.
Says he believed in our love and always will and some other crap about always loving me. Im an idoit for even opening it cause all it did was make me cry.
The thing is , I do love him...I gave up on so much and held onto so little for it all and to him its just a game. Why is he emailing me and doing this?? why do I even care ? I hate that he still has emotional control over me.
Thanks for listening everyone.


Debbra,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your Grandma......I was SO close to mine too.
Deb
You are right, you shouldn't have read the email.
Thank you for your condolences. Its been a sad and long day so getting an email was just the kicker.
I didnt think he would remember that one, but I do need to dump it. I need to be reminded of what is real in my life and not something/someone that keeps my head in the fog.
Im trying to keep moving in the right direction, which is why I posted right away instead of falling to my weakness and emailing him back. Out of all the days to contact me after 5 weeks of NC he has to pick today.
I had a weak moment and wanted to read his words,even thou I know how see through they really are now. I wasnt prepared for the fog to rush back in immediately.
Thank you for your condolences.
Your doing fine.
I'm so sorry for your loss :(
You know, it's crazy how xAPs will show up at the most weak and vulnerable times in our lives, isn't it? That's actually what got me into my mess a few years ago...I was weak and vulnerable, on the verge of ending my 20-year marriage, and xAP saw the opportunity and moved in...
You're doing so well at NC!! So you delete that email, close that account, and make sure that he is blocked at every other avenue into your life.
For me, getting out of the fog and becoming whole again was about more than just not responding to xMM. It was about blocking every opportunity he could have to get to me. He lives 1700 miles away from me, so the physical distance was a plus. But I had to block him on my phone (texts), my email account, on Facebook and LinkedIn. He would never email my work email, so I knew I was safe there. And if he calls, I recognize his number and hit "ignore."
I know we talk a lot about xAP's words being "just words" on here. But those words can pack a powerful punch to your heart before you reach the stage of indifference. I know I'm not at that stage yet, so I keep all avenues blocked still. Short of buying a plane ticket and showing up at my office, my xAP has no way to get to me. I feel like I've sort of barricaded myself from him, in a way--and that might sound cheesy, but it feels protective. And my vulnerability to him is still there to some degree, even though I'm out of the fog. I just know it is...and so I will keep him blocked, perhaps indefinitely.
Keep plugging away! You will have good days and bad days, but I promise you, reading his words in whatever form they come in will almost always ensure that you have at least a bad moment :( He's not worth anymore heartache, honey.
-Juliette
by xxiced
Thank you everyone,
Lastnight I kept re reading his email in my head an then it dawned on me. It doesnt matter if he still loves me it doesnt matter that he still thinks about me. It doesnt matter.
When I think about him and then think about how it was, I dont want or need
Good for you.