He contacted me today ...

Avatar for iamdelightful
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Registered: 03-26-2003
He contacted me today ...
9
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 2:01am
Monday morning MM left a message on my machine at home. Said he loves me. Was going on a trip and just wanted to let me know he loves me in case anything happens to him. He also said he would like to hear from me if and when it's possible.

Hmmm. Ok. So it's 11 weeks today. I'm just starting to feel normal again. It's been about two weeks now that I haven't cried every day. Two weeks ago I thought I would be crying every day FOREVER. I don't cry every day anymore, and I'm even past most of the vicious hatred and anger. (I wished the most awful things for him.)

I should have known he would call just as I was starting to feel better. I know I shouldn't contact him, but I am awfully tempted. What would I say?

I would probably say something like:

Good to hear from you. Good to hear you love me, I love you too, but you hurt me very much. I don't want to go through anything like that ever again. The last eleven weeks have been very difficult for me and it's only recently that I've begun to feel better.

As much as I would like to be your friend, I don't think it's possible now. I don't know that it will ever be possible. Please feel free to contact me in the event that you are free (i.e. no longer married). I would be happy to discuss a relationship with you if and when you are free. Until that day, I still think it's best that we have no contact. There's been too much pain all around.

Something like that. What do you all think? I could also just send him one of the last e-mails I sent him back in February over again. It's the one in which I originally asked for no contact. In any event, there's certainly no harm in mulling this over for as long as I want, right? No need to do anything about it for as long as I want. He wasn't in any hurry to get a divorce, why should I be in a hurry to respond to him, right? Right. I am right.

In fact, I don't really have to respond or do anything, do I? It's not like he's calling to tell me he and his wife are headed for divorce court. Nope. No such thing. He's just reaching out because he thinks I might have changed my mind. Maybe he thinks I might be willing to be friends. Well, screw that. Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 3:03am
Hi YOU! Just read that post! Boy oh Boy! Ya really want to know what I think?

I'm going to tell you anyway! You are far more important then to let this undo all the healing you have done! Do I think he loves you? Yes! Do I know he was pushing your buttons? Yes X 1 million!

Just say NO! NO MORE! Fly and be free! I have birds. Parrots. Most people clip their wings so they can't fly. Not me! Your clipped wings are finally growing out! Don't clip them yourself! FLY LIKE THE WIND! If he ever lets his grow back he'll be able to catch up to you, till then do what birds who fly above us do best! Know what I mean? Has many names? Let him cover his head with whatever till he learns to fly again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 7:40am
IAD...

I think that you actually convinced yourself not to contact him. As I read your post, you went from considering it to saying "screw that". GOOD FOR YOU!!

Sometimes, I'm sure you know this, just writing it out is enough to make you feel better, even if you don't send it or say it to him... He knows you want NC. You made that very clear. He's not getting a divorce... what else is there to say?

Like my XMM, he's just checking to see if maybe you have changed your mind or weakened... Mine went more than 2 months without trying to get me to go with him, then started again just to see IF I was willing... he might even do it again some time, but I will still say no. So will you, unless your XMM is divorced then.

Hugs and look how incredibly far you have come!

Glinda

Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 9:57am
Your strength is shining through. Don't let him steal it. He offered up the words to express his love for you, but I am curious if his actions will follow. You and I both know words are cheap. I know you've been through a lot with this man and I also know you have been through a lot on your own to let go of this man. So my advice is merely this. Don't lose your resolve. If I had any contact with him, be it through email or over the phone, I would keep my resolve by repeating that infamous word divorce. But I would do it in question form and it is all he would hear from me because you know, he already knows you love him. If he doesn't, he wouldn't feel so comfortable saying it on your machine. I would simply ask him IF HE IS DIVORCED??? Any answer other than YES, is not going to fly because I have no desire to put my heart back on the chopping block just to be hurt again. You stepped up to the plate when you allowed yourself to get involved with him under these circumstances. It is now up to him to step up to the plate. The ACTIONS must follow the words. Again, the words YES I AM DIVORCED AND FREE TO SEE YOU would be all I would accept.

Guard it baby, because you are the only one who can!

Hugs,

GT

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 10:31am
Hey you-

Well I've got to say I'm not surprised - these OM tend to always turn up over and over again. Affairs are hard to let go of - as YOU KNOW!! He's doing a temerature check seeing if its OK to come around again. Turning your world/heart upside down once more. You simply don't need this. I know, because these are the kinds of games that OM and myself have played for years. Here's what I would do if I were you...email him or leave a message (whatever, but don't talk directly to him - you don't want or need a reply, that will just make it harder on you) I would say X, its over. Please don't leave those kind of messages on my machine anymore or contact me in any way.

The reason I say that, is it closes the door for both of you a little bit more. It won't feel very good, but in time it will be for the best. I would not make the divorce comment, because it will leave you in a position of waiting and wondering to see...Will he?? Just end it. Do you know how pitiful the statistics are for marriages that started as affairs? 75% end in divorce. That is of the ones that even get as far as marriage. Please take this as an opportunity to walk away from the hell you have been through. After you do this, you will fall back into sadness for a while again. Its going to hurt and the end of the affair will seem more final, but thats a good thing.

Anyway, thats my advice...

Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 10:54am
Crystal, I have to respectfully disagree because I don't really care about what the statistics say. Why? Because in my mind, her A is over. So if there would be a relationship in the future, it wouldn't be based on having an A. She has done the right thing by ending her A and because she does love him, there is nothing wrong with her telling him to look her up if and when he gets a divorce. I don't agree that saying those things implies that she will wait on him and if anyone thinks it does, she can follow it up with and if I am available when you become free, then perhaps we can have a new relationship. Bottomline is that if the guy has one ounce of courage and is willing to face up to his marriage being in shambles and truly wants to move on to a happier life with someone else, then the fact is he has to get divorced. As much as I hate to say it, that is the fact Jack!

A MP who cheats is a gambler anyway. So he has been sitting back and thinking about the fact that Iamdelightful may just be going on with her life with someone else, hence he is truly losing her. What is it that we hear so often on this board? When you are in an A, you never had your partner to begin with! He or she NEVER WAS YOURS! So I believe there is a difference between a man who is leaving his marriage to turn around and jump into another household and another relationship versus a person who is willing to do what it takes to make himself happy and fulfilled. That takes having the courage to stand alone and get a divorce if he is so unhappy in his marriage and once the dust settles, then he can venture out and see what/who this life has to offer him/her. But the bottomline is that HE IS A GAMBLER! And although a gambler risks losing everything, they normally don't do it unless they believe they are going to win. It is cowardly behavior. That is what gambling teaches us. And nine out of ten times, we lose!

So Iamdelightful, in my honest opinion, there is nothing wrong with you saying what you originally posted, but you need to be willing to make him care enough about himself to step up to the plate and make good positive changes in his own life if he is so unhappy without you by his side. You are not his bandaide.

But Crystal, I do respect what you were saying to her. I believe that Iamdelightful is much stronger than we give her credit for. She's been through a lot with this man but has had time enough to see how important it is to respect and protect herself.

Hugs all around.

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 11:49am
It sounds like you have made up your mind to say "screw it, I'm not giving him the time of day anymore". I think that's excellent and I hope one day I can do the same! Stay strong and remember although it might feel great talking to him again, it's not worth going thru the hell you had to go thru for the last 11 months; you've come so far, keep it up!!
Avatar for crystal_clr
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 2:52pm
She's very strong. She's made it this far and from her posts it sounds like she's been through hell and back. Perhaps a fresh start is whats in order...

I feel to indicate to this man that if he were single, leaves a door open that really shouldn't be. If he is to consider leaving his wife, should he do so because he knows he has someone waiting in the wings? No. He should do so because the marriage is over. He knows how IAD loved/loves him, I'm sure. He knows if he wasn't married things would probably have been different. If he wants to make changes its up to him to do it on his own. At this point IAD should go forward with her life and not even consider the fact that he could leave his marriage unless there is some actual action on his part. I'm sure if he had taken any such steps he would have told her on the message.

GT you HAVE to consider the statistics. IF they leave their wives. IF they don't go back to them. IF it works out for the two of you. IF you don't have the same problems you both had in your original marriages. Its just such shaky ground. There is so much fantasy and hope clouding everyones eyes in affairs, if you want to truly move on and get over these men, I believe you have to open them wide and soak in the truth. How much of a chance do we really have? I'm not going to live my life hoping. Its way too short. We have to get real. GT, I do pray things work out for you, but you have a much longer history with your OM than most of us. For most of us, moving on is the best course of action. IMHO.

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 4:29pm
Crystal, who are you kidding? We all have to truly move on, even I do and have begun to. There isn't anything wrong with hope, geez I will never let go of hope in my life, and who is to say with what Iamdelightful and her MM shared that he isn't going to hold onto hope if he ends up divorced. See it is always a two way street with timing being the key.

Yes, never would I want to take the same issues into another marriage and have already gotten help for them. It would be important to me to make sure the MM did the same after he was divorced or else we would not have a future. The thing that gets in the way with relationships more than anything in my opinion is the timing. I have had a couple of relationships with men where the timing was always off, not the chemistry or the interest in having the relationship. We just always would have that interest at different times...LOL. That happens. I remember once a man asked me why we never REALLY got together and I simply had to answer that perhaps a good friend lasts a lot longer than a good lover does. Let me tell you, he was a victim of Asian Orange poisoning in Vietnam and has since died of cancer. He was quite a bit older than I was at the time. He died at 41 years old. And to this day, there is a duet we used to always sing together and I have to say I have heard that song on the radio more since that man passed away than I ever heard it when it was popular. Just goes to show how God works.

I have made the suggestion many times to ladies here to throw the word divorce to the MM because most have no real intention of divorcing. They just want to play around. And it is a good test to find out. Of course, there again, ACTIONS do speak volumes. I get the impression also that you don't like the subject of getting divorced too much. If memory serves me correctly, there was a time when the OMM was ready and you balked. It isn't that way for some and Iamdelightful never knows...but I will agree she is much better off to go on and live her life without him and make it clear that she wants no contact until he is a free man. But you simply can't just yank the love in her heart for this man out and pretend it doesn't exist! I just know that Iamdelightful has been though enough already and it sure as hell isn't worth it to dip her feet into those flames again!

Hope you're having a great day!

GT

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 5:36pm
No, I'm not having a great day at all - I'm having a really bad day.

Perhaps I just want everyone to stop hurting and IAD seems to have been through a lot.

This whole situation just sucks - not IAD's - mine!