Is he crazy or am I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Is he crazy or am I?
4
Sat, 03-13-2010 - 7:25pm

Hi everybody. Another weekend, another load of existential questions. I haven't been around her much lately, just 'cause I've been very busy with work, but I've working a LOT with xMM over the past two weeks, which has dredged up a lot of emotions and questions.

Luckily, he has been so erratic, I haven't broken my NC outside-of-work rule. However, we have had a couple of "exchanges" at work that have absolutely made me feel like I'm losing my mind.

I'm beginning to think xMM has a passive aggressive personality. The first time I began to believe that was my episode from a month or two ago, when I confessed the "L" word to him and he didn't return it, only to halfway say it a week later, when I decided to initiate NC. "But I feel the same way!" he said. okay.

He always had a way of keeping me at arm's length emotionally--not exposing himself too much, avoiding "serious" conversations about us, being in complete denial about the A, and so on--yet kept me hooked by being such a good "friend" and constantly emailing me three-word emails outside of work. "How are you?" "Miss you." "What you up to?" That was nice and all, but in no way satisfying, considering how I felt about him. My thought at the time was, if I'm going to DO this (have an A), I want to actually DO it, not tiptoe around it. Twisted, yes. But that's where my head was.

For months he has been hinting that he might be moving out of state. He'll drop little hints, and then refuse to elaborate, and act like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. This past week, he said "things are going to get a lot easier for you really soon"--which in my mind suggested he would be leaving our company. I asked him to elaborate. No response. A week later, during work, I emailed him, "can you clarify what you meant when you said it will get easier?" His response: "Well isn't it? Just forget I ever said anything."

WTF? I know I shouldn't be emailing him about things like this, but we are collaborating on a project together which makes it VERY difficult to stay on this side of the line. Is he screwing with my head? Fishing, being vague and cryptic, to keep me guessing? It's not that it was a difficult or demanding question. I just felt like, if he's leaving--considering our history--I'd damn well like to know, and expect to be told.

He does other things too...like play music that was sentimental to our relationship so I can hear it...and then say he didn't "notice" it.

But now that he's acting this way toward me, it's made me go back and re-examine some of our exchanges from our A. It's made me see him in a different light, that he is a flawed and manipulative human being. So for this reason, I'm thankful. But for my sanity, I suppose I was hoping someone could say whether or not this seems manipulative or "off"...or if I really am just a crazy girl :(

Wishing everyone well,
Silver Doe

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Sun, 03-14-2010 - 6:43am

Hey Silverdoe,

In my opinion this is certainly some kind of manipulation on his part. He is trying to awaken your curiosity and to rekindle your interest in him by making comments that might insinuate that he is going to move. With the music he is trying to play on your emotions I think.

If I were you, I'd ignore all his comments about a possible move. That way you won't give him what he wants: attention. I am sure xAP loves it when you ask him what's going to happen. I don't think he is really making plans to leave, do you? I can imagine you would like to know, but I really think he is playing a little with you.

Hugs,,
HTGO

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 03-14-2010 - 7:58am

I agree with HTGO. He's playing mind games which you can easily avoid by not giving a hoot. Ignore him other than what needs to be done at work. By showing indifference even if you are far from feeling it, you are winning at his manipulative little game. No, you are not crazy, just curious, which is something you need to stop. It doesn't matter if he's leaving or not. What does matter is what you are doing to heal from this and expunging this

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2009
Sun, 03-14-2010 - 2:52pm

hi


I totally agree with the other girls too. He is 100% playing games with

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Sun, 03-14-2010 - 4:26pm

Wow, I cannot tell you how much better I feel after reading your responses! I have spent the better part of a year constantly agonizing over this A because of his covertly manipulative behavior. Was it something I said? Am I going crazy? Was this only sentimental to me, and not him (which leads back to, "am I crazy??")? And so on. And so on and so on. I kept thinking I could get him to cut the crap and be open and earnest about his feelings and thoughts on the A...but that's just not possible with men like this, is it?

Gal, I agree that there is something very wrong with these men...I know it's sick, but it makes me wonder if he treats his W the same way? With us, it's as if because I was the one who ended the A, he's using these games to try to wrangle the power back from me...get me worried and confused over whether or not he's leaving, etc. Planting the seed of worry and then refusing to acknowledge it when I ask. Jesus, I regret ever asking him...played right into his little scheme, didn't I?

Well, no more of that. If he goes, he goes. And if he does, it'll be for the better. In fact, it can't come soon enough.

Thanks for your help...I have a fresh reserve of resolve now :)