He didn't tell wife, but she knows

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
He didn't tell wife, but she knows
3
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 2:21pm
Again, I need advice. From my last postings, my exMM was contemplating telling his wife everything at the advice of his counselor. After I begged and pleaded for him to keep quiet, he discussed it further with the counselor and she agreed. HOWEVER, at some point in time, he printed out an e-mail that I sent to him...just in case I started claiming sexual harrassment or something. He thought he had it somewhere safe, but evidently not. His wife read the e-mail and he gave her some lame story. He said that she believed him and that's where it ended. However, I recall the particular e-mail in question and know that it was obvious that there was a closeness/familiarity within the e-mail that would indicate something more. He said that he explained it to her as his being paranoid and probably giving me the wrong signals. He said that he blamed it on himself and his flirtatious nature for me writing the e-mail. However, now she knows my name and probably thinks that I am after her husband. I've considered talking to her to clear this up, but don't know how to do it without telling the whole story. I get the feeling that he has painted me as a tramp and a floozy, and that I should avoid her (we all work at the same place). I have no e-mail or evidence that I saved b/c I deleted and permanently deleted everything, so I'm up the creek without a paddle here.
Any advice? Should I just let it go? Should I try to clear my name? Should I do anything? Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 2:55pm

I don't really know what to tell you but let me tell you this. My H found some emails and I don't really know the exact method but he confronted me with them and I denied it all. I too like your xMM thought that everything I had was hidden well, now my counselors both pointed out that maybe in some way things weren't because I wanted to get caught (but that's an entirely different thing). I thought it was the end of it, thinking that it had all blown over. HOWEVER there came a night when H had more information and confronted me again (look back thru the archives and you will see what happened). Turns out that when I thought he believed what I told him it was all an act on his part. He dug deeper, found more. I'm not saying that your xMM's W is doing the same thing but I would say if she suspects something she will continue to dig. Be very careful because you don't know what is going to happen next.

I would have to say to keep completely away from xMM and his W. Do not approach his W, let him deal with it whatever way he decides, this should be between him and his W. There is nothing you can say to make things better, to clear your name, whatever it is you hope to accomplish by talking to her, it could end up backfiring and making her more suspicious. I know this is hard on you but remember now it is about your self preservation and you have to put you first. Hang in there and let us know what happens.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 3:00pm

I said it before and I'll say it again:


KEEP YOUR MOUTH ZIPPED.


Do NOT initiate ANY contact with xMM or his wife.


If you leave the past where it belongs, i.e., IN THE PAST, no contact at all from you to either of them reinforces your credibility. If you start calling xMM or his wife, you IMMEDIATELY raise suspicion on yourself and the past. Wife will loose interest if nothing is brought to her to pay attention to.


SO, STAY OUT OF THEIR MESS.........


cl-nre


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 3:22pm
You are both right, and I know it. I actually asked the one friend that knows about the whole thing her advice, and she told me the opposite. So, that's why I'm doubting myself. But thank you. I feel in my gut that I should just lay low. I just don't want this coming up and biting me in the butt in a few months somehow. I'm ashamed of my past behavior and feel sorry for his wife...that she has to deal with a lying, cheating, SOB. I'll just stick it out, busy myself, and move on. I want to close this chapter of my life for good this time. I've actually made an appointment with a counselor myself, and I'm proud of myself for doing that.
Thanks again.