He e-mailed, please help....
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He e-mailed, please help....
| Tue, 09-28-2004 - 10:48am |
Oh man, just as I'm posting here, he e-mailed. It's a nothing e-mail, just asks how I'm doing but I started to cry the minute I saw it. I have so many emotions going on right now-I'm angry and hurt and relieved all at once. I knew he was going to get in touch with me and yet seeing it has floored me. Is this part of an elaborate game of his? Does he think we're going to go back to being friends (FWB, actually is the only kind that interests him) after the hurt he put me through? I want to tell him, I'm fine and please don't ever contact me again but then I'm so afraid that he WONT ever contact me again. I'm so confused, I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe I really wasn't ready to end it but what choice did I have? Help, help, help, please

Hang tough!!!! NO CONTACT! I am terrible at giving advice so I'm waiting for one of the good ones i.e. free, posie, etc. I didn't want you to think no one was listening so I thought I would let you know I'm thinking of you while you are waiting for their strong words.
I am in the same boat although he hasn't contacted me, I want him to so bad it hurts.
Hang in there encouragment is on the way!!!!!
:) Frisco
I did not respond, and didn't hear from him again for several months, when he wrote just to tell me he was moving (after I had heard it from many other people). All I can tell you is, that time was MUCH easier to take. That was in July, and I haven't heard from him since. And I'm better for it!
I don't think you need to respond, he will get the hint.
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Well, it's all about choice.
If you want to continue feeling anger, angst, pain, frustration, and yet more pain with the odd bit of relief thrown in every so often in sufficent measure to keep you attempting to hang on to something that isn't yours to hang on to, then by all means, email him back.
If you are tired enough of the ole "I'll be your friend as long as we're boffing, baby" routine, then you'll chew your own arm off before allowing it to move close enough to the computer for hand & fingers to actually the send button... It really is your choice, Toosmart. Work out which ya want and stick to it, hon.
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And you were right. Being floored means you are struggling with the choices described above. Is my self-esteem sufficiently low to permit this man to continue to use & abuse me even when I know that's precisely what he's doing? -Or- Do I walk away, hit delete, block his email address & phone numbers and therefore regain some of self-worth I flushed down the toilet?
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Yes. It's called the "just how much cr@p will Toosmart put up with before she REALLY won't boink me anymore" game. Usual strategies for winning this game include swapping off faked intimacy with emotional distance to keep one's opponent perpetually needy and off-balance. The winner is the one who ceases all contact and actually refuses to play anymore. Think "War Games," "the only way to win the game is not to play."
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Yes, he does. And furthermore, you are considering it.
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See Games paragraphs above.
<<< I'm so confused, I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe I really wasn't ready to end it but what choice did I have?>>>
You have EVERY choice, Toosmart. You've not mentioned any firearms aimed at your head or vital organs, you are not under any duress. You have free will. Use it.
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Short of coming round and beating you senseless with the No Contact stick (which would require a trans-Atlantic flight on my part plus generous expenses), what help do you want?
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
You the best, Take care SOUL
It's tough, it hurts, and most of all it's WORTH it. *puts NC stick away again*
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
It takes time for the heart to catch up with the head, honey. And if you won't give your heart that time it needs to get with the programme, well, I've spelled out the game you'll be playing for as long as you wish to do so.
For me, the whole crux of my healing process was discovering that what I was in love with was my own perception of who exOM was, who I wanted him to be, who he wanted me see & to believe in since this suited him, too. On "seeing" exOM for who he really was, I couldn't then "unsee" it just because it suited me or it didn't gel with whatever happy ever after fantasy I'd concocted over a period of 3.5yrs.
Sure, it was tempting to "unsee" it and grab a bit of that feel-good. I had one major (and I DO mean major) backslide before it sunk in that while I loved the man I thought he was, THAT man never existed except within the confines of my own mind. I found that I didn't even actually like exOM very much.
It's a rough transition and there's no escaping the grieving process, the very same process you'd go through for a bereavement. That dull ache in your heart will be there for awhile and a reminder that you're starting to heal. There's no quick fix, and affairs are all about quick fixes, feeling good right NOW.
I often wish I'd only listened to what others were telling me, so that the pain ended sooner than it did, the damage would have been substantially less, and my recovery could have begun that much sooner and from a higher level than the rock bottom I achieved before getting out.
You and *ONLY* you know when you're willing to actually quit playing games that only ever result in your being hurt. Only you know when you'll be ready to begin clawing back some of the person who was the Toosmart before she got tangled up in this A business. Only you know when you are going to be willing to find the courage to both identify & start filling your very own void in order that you don't need to put that kind of enormous burden on anyone elses' shoulders. Only you will know when you are ready to start demand more in a relationship than accepting pain, frustration, anxiety, and misery in return for a few paltry and occasional warm-fuzzy at the expense of your self-esteem.
And you and only you will know when enough is really enough.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
You said "while I loved the man I thought he was, THAT man never existed except within the confines of my own mind. I found that I didn't even actually like exOM very much." I feel exactly the same way! I was in love/lust/infatuation with a creation of my mind, not a real person who actually cared deeply for me. I, too, discovered that I didn't really like XOM that much either. We were way too different, and there was no way that any sort of relationship could have evolved, even if we had wanted it too.
Since ending my A, I have rediscovered myself, my marriage has improved, and I feel more in control of my life. Like many people on the board, I have had moments of regret, although never broke NC. I have missed XOM, dreamed about him, and even re-considered the A. But in the end, I know deep down in my heart that ending the A was the best thing I could do for myself. I have no regrets.
Thank you, again, posie for your posts. You really have a great insight and a gift for expressing the feelings that many of us have, but don't quite know how to articulate. You are a true asset to this community!
:)
Circe