He finally broke NC - Dumb Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
He finally broke NC - Dumb Luck
1
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 1:20pm

So after my big boo hoo about Selfworth on Friday............I asked for Monday off and decided to try to change my outlook on everything.
I spent all weekend doing things that I really enjoyed - spent time with friends and had long lunches - I even went to the bookstore, and not once did I wander over to the "self Help section. I had a nice time with my H (yes, still filing for a D) and had a fire in the fireplace and watched movies alot.
It was a really peaceful weekend.

Monday - I slept in. The phone rang at about 11am.......it was xMM.
I sat up in shock. We said hello - and I said "Oh, you probably want to leave a message for XXXXX, let me hang up and you can call back and leave a voice mail - or call his cell". He was quiet and then he said could he call me right back? - he needed to get a meeting time for the game that night with my H...and I said in a normal nice tone "you dont have to call back, I know that you did not expect for me to answer the phone - have a good time at the game tonight, hope that you are well - bye".
I hung up.
I did not feel sad or angry. The sound of his voice was just as I remembered - I missed him so much, but I did not want to feel bad about us anymore - I wanted to remember what I knew was true - and know that the future is open to anything. I was feeling ok.

Then he called back. I did not want to answer the phone. It rang again - and I did pick up. We talked for almost an hour - I felt really strong and good about what I said.
He said that things have gotten so much worse for him - his W and he have nightly phone or face to face 2-4 hour long "discussions", she mostly screams. But she has finally come to the agreement of filing early next year. He said that Thanksgiving was so horrible - that his dad finally asked him where his thoughts were......and xMM said with someone else.....and his dad told him to call...
So many times he said that he wanted to call - but that he was scared - scared that we would start the A again because we missed eachother so badly, scared because his W was always beratting him about me, and that she was going to go to my H. He said that he was trying to find a solution to his situation and talking to me and seeing me was not helping him deal with his problem. He said he thinks of me all the time. He said he hears my voice in his head and the little things I used to say, he says that every night when he goes to sleep he thinks about how I used to breath on his back. He said that he does miss me and feels depressed.
He explained that "look" (it was shock of seeing my face after not seeing me for a couple of weeks, wanting to hold me, seeing me with best friends infant....the shock of what life could be and what his life is right now.

He said it was a relief to hear my voice - he said it 3 times in the course of the conversation.
I got my closure in a way. He did and he does still care. He did end the A for the right reasons......he wants to end his marriage without the A being involved - as his marriage was ending as we got together - it became more difficult trying to live a double life.
I aske him if I would hear from him again - and he said yes - and I said, well if I dont hear from you before the New Years eve dinner - I hope that you have a Merry Christmas. I said maybe next year will be a better year - he said he hopes so.
I said that I was thankful that we were still friends. He said never say never and started to cry - So he said "smile today" and I said goodbye.

I think that I will have a good Christmas.
I did not think about him for the rest of that day. I did when I went to sleep, I wished him a better day tomorrow.
I hope that he finds his happiness....
I will go on with fixing my life.
Never say never he said.
We'll see.

Anna

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-07-2004 - 2:21pm

Anna,

I am so glad that you got closure. Now leave it as that. Alot of times we keep wanting more and more closure, or we call soemthing closure when deep in our hearts we know it isn't so. It is good that you are focusing on yourself now. That is the way it always should have been. Atleast you know that he is hurting too and it isn't just you feeling the heartache. You did mean something to him.

Jazzdiva