He fished and I didn't stick to my plan

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
He fished and I didn't stick to my plan
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 9:29am

Well, he appeared outside my work. I saw him, I walked and partly ran back to my car. He was carrying two coffees, he shouted to me as I was about to get into my car "Soglad, I just need to know you are OK". So, I failed, I didn't stick to my plan, I accepted the coffee and got into his car for a chat, which went on for 2 hours. Of course, he wanted to start back up again. I explained to him that that would never happen. He cried. He asked for my phone number. I said no. He asked if he could come and see me again. I said no. We talked about everything and then I told him goodbye, again.

That's all I can say at the moment, I am OK x


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 9:41am

Oh dear ........ ((((HUGS)))))

I'm so sorry..... And I'm sorry I have to say this,  but I think it was a very selfish act of your xAP to do that to you :-(

Are you really OK? I wouldnt be if I had been confronted in that way!!!

I'm not sure what I would have done in that situation, so I don't if you did the right or wrong thing. Even though I have seen my xAP at work, he has never made a bee-line for me to want to "talk". We have nothing to talk about, so that is simple enough.

I'm glad to hear you told him no to further contact. If he didn't tell you he was divorced, and was ready to commit 100% percent to a furture with you, welll.... he was just wasting your time. And your still married and committed to a furture with your H and family, then there is no point in any of it -  well done you for standing your ground!

Keep healing soglad.... let us know how you REALLY are feeling right now.



Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 10:12am
Im so so sorry you had this happen and so so proud of you for sticking to your guns. Of course you are not ok you had the rug pulled from under your feet, you are shaken, shocked and unsettled BUT you will be ok again because you are a strong and determined woman, who is reclaiming her life and re discovering the love you share with your H. I know when you are ready you will tell us what went down and we shall all talk it through.....

In the meantime the very first thing you do is stop beating yourself up for not sticking to your plan. Stop it now! I dont know what your plan was but he caught you really unawares, thus making you vulnerable, and you probably had to focus primarily on breathing!! Now how do you put a plan of action in place when its taking every effort not to let ur legs buckle beneath you. So just stop ok. Besides your heart is soooo full of compassion and caring I really cant see you completely blank someone with whom you have a history and for whom you once cared for and who caught you completely unawares, plan or no plan. Thats not to say I am condoning your 2 hour talkathon but i know you know that. Big deep breathes soglad and and maybe a gulp of jameson's?? We are here for you when you feel ready. Thinking of you hun and sending you a big hug. You will be ok! You've been shaken - not stirred.....

Sunny Soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 10:13am

I didn't think you were ok! I would be feeling the exactly the same way, a shaking mess.

I never ever want to relive my ending again, and there you are going through it again.... I really feel for you Soglad :-(

The best thing you have now is a group of people here that really care about you and wish you the best, and you have a place where you can feel safe and tell us your thoughts. You didn't before. You were alone when you ended the first time, and now here you are with loads of resources and information you can use to get past this.

You are now present in yout families lives, I'm sure they will let you have this one "off day". We are all alowd to be upset and angry. But tomorrow is another day, and I'm so sure you will be proud of yourself. YOU MADE A CHOICE today, you MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE! Your amazing and remember that.

I'm not sure there is anyone on this board if confronted in that way, would have done anything different!



Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011

Oh sweetheart, that is SO hard.

I am sorry he fished.  I don't know that I would have been able to do any differntly though.  You stood your ground, told him you were not available to be his "on the side" and that you would not have any type of relationship with him.

Try to focus on what you did that was amazing and strong.

Really, you *are* amazing and strong, honey.

Much love and strength to you



And yeah, that was really selfish of him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 10:18am
Well Soglad, I know you feel shaky and sad but I am also thinking wow, you said the things that had to be said. I don't know if I could have even got that much out if this had been me - I would have asked for another cup of coffee...
Plus, this wasn't just fishing, this was trawling with a big net, to show up at your work.
I am sorry for the hurt it has caused you but know that I admire the strong points you still hung on to. I hope it is truly the last time you'll be tested.

Hugs, Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 10:23am
We must have been posting at the same time!! Ok Soglad I hate, hate, hate, pasting this but here goes

"I can only assume that he is wanting to see if he can start having occasional sex with me again".

Thats what you hold unto hun not his other fony baloney of specialness or other sentiments. I hate saying this to you I teally do, but your a smart, beautiful, kind, caring lady who has recognised what it was to him. You always did. Don't let him derail you, (i KNOW you have come too far to let him) It is just unsettling but it will pass. Again big breathes.....

Sunny Xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 10:27am


Breathe.  Boy, is your XAP MY XAP?  This is SO my XAP!!!  He has stalked me in my work parking lot before, just like you!!!  I SO GET THIS!

Yes, you said a lot of the right things.  (As did he for trying to get back in your pants!) BUT, actions speak louder than words.  Look at his actions.  Cruise with a wife, still married, yet disrespecting both you and her.  Look at your actions: gave him the time of day, stroked his ego.

And, more importantly, be fully aware of how this encounter has made you feel!  That was the ticket for me.  Each time I had contact when he fished, I walked away feeling like shizzzzz.  And it would throw me off the beam for days!  But, the good news is that it passes and I get back on the beam.  Usually with a renewed sense of anger!  Which helps me to keep walking and stay away from him.

Soglad, I too struggle terribly with “being mean” to someone.  But, that’s what makes me a target for someone who is narcisstic and selfish.  And, I am feeling that XAP may indeed walk away from this whole thing thinking that I was mean.  So what?  That is starting to not matter to me.  Because if someone who continually busts my boundaries with no regard how he’s hurting me (I have always told XAP that it is too painful when he contacts me) thinks I mean, then so be it.

And, I found that my XAP generally fished on Fridays.  My T challenged me to look at that as his way of getting an “ego stroke” before the weekend when he would spend all his time with his W and, most likely, have sex with her.  What an ego high to think he is “getting it” from two women!!  Guess he’ll have a good weekend!

Soglad, don’t stay stuck here.  Just observe what happened, be aware of how it made you feel and keep walking.  The last time XAP stalked me in my parking lot before work (on a Friday no less), I just told him “no, we couldn’t do this anymore.  We were both married.”  He said, “Are you sure?” He wanted me to get into his truck to talk more.  I just said, “Yes, I’m sure.” He left, looking like a lost puppy.  It shook me up, screwed up my weekend, distracted me from everything else I was doing.

So, don’t want to feel like THAT again!  So, if there is a next time, look at it as another opportunity to do right by YOU!

Breathe.  And happy Friday.  Go have a great weekend!



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 10:50am


How awful...totally blindedsided. I am sorry you are left shaken, and you probably need some time gather your wits about you.  It's good you came here to talk and work it out.

Let's talk about how it should have gone...you know we have to, although I'm figuring you already know how it should have all played out in hindsight.

First of all he was rude and selfish, and rude and selfish should beget rude and selfish right back.  Gotta save the polite for yourself and your loved ones.  Of course, now you realize that getting into the car and chatting it up for a couple of hours was a bad idea.  All he said was that he needed to know you are okay.  Anyone witnessing a living, breathing woman, making a sprint to her car is proof enough that she is okay...and watching her pull away in silence with grace and dignity is proof that she is better than okay.

You know what you did wrong...you know what you did right.  I hope he doesn't pull that crap again, because even though practice makes perfect, we can do without it.

He cried...big deal...through the tears he was still trying to get some....bah

I'm sorry you have to experience the ending again. I love what Sunny said...'you were shakin'...not stirred."  

You're going to be okay, soglad.  We'll all here for you.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 11:28am
I am so sorry that this pathetic and self serving creature...yes that would be xap... decided to make "his" pain go away by intruding on your journey of self-healing. He doesn't care about you, if he really did he would have respected your wishes for NC, but instead he chose to "ambush" you with two cups of coffee (I smell "stalking" here)....and invited you to join in his pity-party.....with water-works included. This irritates me. But you "joined" in his party and why you did is the "key" to YOUR progress. Understanding what your purpose, motivation, hopes, wishes...ect...were for engaging with xap is another step toward your continued journey. This takes brutal self honesty.

What he was thinking, feeling and wanting....honestly shouldn't matter. Wondering what his "real" or "imagined" motivation will only keep you emotionally entrenched in the A.

I hope you can garner some strength today. You are going to be okay. Set your boundaries and go forth.

((((((((big giant HUGS))))))))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 12:32pm

Oh SoGlad, you just survived my worst nightmare. I'm proud of you for sticking to your guns. I can only imagine how hard that would be. I have no good advice to give you, just... A WHOLE LOT OF RESPECT.