He fished, now I'm conflicted.
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|Mon, 04-16-2012 - 7:38pm|
Not sure if I belong here or on the After an Affair board - I feel a bit in limbo.
To summarize... had a mostly emotional A with a MM, I am a MW. The A lasted on and off for a little over a year. I know we all think this, but I really do think we have genuine affection for each other, but yeah - not right, not healthy, not OK. We do have a genuine friendship, though, so this has been the hardest part to let go. It's been a month since I broke it off, we had a week of platonic/business-related contact, now it's been 3 weeks of NC. Every day has gotten easier, but it's been heartbreaking and I still miss him. The past week, it's really started to lift. I am feeling stronger, happier, and more connected to my DH than ever - lots of bonding and sex and fun, like old times, only even better in some ways.
xAP has been vacationing with his family for the past 2 weeks which made NC pretty easy. But he is back in town as of today. Just got an email from him, titled "Back". He said he hopes I am well and wanted to say hi, and that he noticed I unfriended him on facebook, deleted him on my IMs, etc. and assumes I don't want further contact, but that maybe he's misreading and would love to hear from me, and hopes I will at least let him know how I am doing. Said we've both done a good job not being in contact but "still think that this sucks." Hopes it's ok to at least say hi.
So, how do I feel? Kind of satisfied that he wants to know and seems to miss me. But mostly I am ANNOYED. I'm annoyed because he jumped at the chance to contact me as soon as he returned to real life without me (non-vacation)... welcome to what has been my hell. One that's become easier, finally. Now it's his turn to walk past all our broken memories. And the kicker - he knows I'm just here working a couple days and then I will be going on a vacation with DH for the rest of the month. It's selfish of him to pop back in before I am ready for a romantic getaway with my real love. Sure, I hate not knowing how he is, too, or being able to just say hi and say how our days are going - but not being able to do that was becoming the norm and I was no longer feeling so empty because of it.
I'm annoyed that *just* as I am really starting to let go and be happy without him, he fished. And I don't want to get caught... but part of me still cares so much for him and probably always will. So how do I stay strong? What should I do? Like I said, we had a friendship and a business relationship above all else so NO contact ever again seems cruel and also professionally unwise... but maybe that's off limits, too?