He is going to Hawaii with her

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
He is going to Hawaii with her
12
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 3:56pm

I dont know what to think.
He told me that he did tell his wife that he did not want to go.......but for Xmas she gave him a ticket to Hawaii to be with her and her family (they live in Japan). He said he was upset but that he cant not go. I said that was not true.

My earlier email this morning talked of our conversation when he call my work today.
Then I get this email from his W ....

((I’m not sure where we stand right now….. I got _____ a ticket to Hawaii for Xmas even though I wasn’t sure if he wanted to go there with me. I was already planned to go there to see my mom. When he saw the ticket, he looked really shocked but happy at the same time. He cried and held me thanking me for getting the ticket…. I think we both need a relaxing week in a tropical place to clear our minds….
I’m looking forward to going to see your family and having Mochi on New Year’s Day! It will be a treat.)))

OMG - what is happening? Is she trying to throw me off? Is she trying to get close to the enemy???? who is lying.

I am afraid of telling him tonight on the phone that he can not contact me anymore until he files for divorce.......
I know I have to do it.
I know that he cares..........but is he confused or is he a freakin jerk????

I feel sick

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:17pm

You expect him to be honest with you??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:32pm

Sorry Anna I posted this on the MA board by accident...still trying to figure the boards out! Hope this helps...

Anna,

I just ended a very long affair with a MM.

If anyone would have tried to tell me I would feel better for having ended it I would have thought they were joking.

I can tell you they were absolutely right.

Do I miss him? Yes. The whole fabric of my life changed over the course of two days.

Do I cry? Yes. I'm sad. I've lost someone important to me and the life that went with it.

BUT....

Can I think clearly for the first time in God knows how long? YES.

Can I look at myself in the mirror and feel good about myself again? YES. ( well not totally but more than before for sure)

Can I see that love that makes a person weaker is not what I deserve anymore? YES.

You don't have to stop loving him if you don't want to.

But you do have to start loving yourself. Today. This minute.

If I did it you can to. I know you can.

Faith

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 5:12pm

Anna,

I'd be willing to bet that the way she describes him as responding is exactly how he responded. It sounds to me like you have fallen into the trap that all of us at one time or another have been in, and that is believing that everything he tells you about how unhappy he is, how much he wants to divorce, how wrong she is, yada, yada, yada. Chances are only some of it is even true. But probably most of it is just stuff he says to keep you hanging in there. I know you want to believe that he's 100% sincere, and that you and he are "different", but I'd be willing to bet that he's not being completely honest. You're on this board for a reason...ending the affair, so end it. You can do it.

Silly

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 5:13pm
I wouldn't believe anything she said either. That is why you need to distance yourself from both of them. You really don't know who is telling the truth, who is playing games.
Leave him alone and focus on yourself and your needs.
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 5:18pm

I think you didnt' get the memo:

When a man is leaving his wife he doesn't go to hawaii with her, no matter what the circumstances. As beautiful as hawaii is he just doesn't do the "family thing". Who cares what his Wife said about how he reacted, the point of the matter is that he is going.

Girl, he is a cake eater and so was I. He wants you and a family. Girl, I know...been there done that...AM THAT! I talked and talked about how much I wanted to leave H and go run off with XOM...guess what? I'm still here. Still washing the man's boxers and the mail still says "Dr and Mrs.".

Hawaii or no Hawaii, it all doesn't matter. You need to see this man leave his wife for real....not just talk about it. YOu want to see the papers girl....Talk is cheap.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 5:21pm

Hi She's,

Can I ask you why you stay married? Are you in love with your husband or are there other reasons?

Faith

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 5:29pm
That is a long and complicated story, and not one I care to go into in a post. Just know that my intentions for staying are good ones. WHy are you interested?

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 5:51pm

I came to these boards last week in search of insight at a critical juncture in my life and I received excellent straight up opinions from so many really great people on the All Sides Board.

You would have to read my thread on that board to understand why I asked you that question. Not trying to be mysterious, just trying to respect your concern.

I'm so sorry if I in any way offended you. You sounded pretty straight up yourself so I thought it was okay to ask.

Apologies again,
Faith

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 6:46pm
No need to apologize. I don't go to the All sides board so I'm not sure what your story is. I don't mind sharing but it is a long and complicated story. Feel free to email me.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 9:04pm

<<>>

I think he's genuinely pleased to be going to Hawaii for a lovely relaxing holiday with his wife and far, far away from the woman who's been trying hard (and failing) to suck the life out of their marriage. Who's going to turn down a chance to reconnect like that, eh?

<<>>

Ummm...It seems pretty clear that husband and wife are going for a much-needed "clear our heads & let's reconnect darling" type holiday in beautiful Hawaii together where they may even tear themselves away from each other long enough to visit some of his wife's family.

<<>>

Pretty effectively, too, I'd say. You obviously don't compete with the prospect of good lovin' in the sun, sea, sand & downright sexy vibes of hot & sultry Hawaii. She's fighting for her marriage, remember? The one you're trying hard to split up?

<<>>

Hey, and here I thought you two were friends for what was it eight years? There is, however, much to be said for the phrase "keep your friends close and your enemies closer..."

<<>>

You are. To yourself if you actually believe he's leaving his wife...

<<>>

You might just need to leave a VM cuz he's busy packing and thinking Hawaiian thoughts right now....

Anna, if you LOVED this guy, you'd want HIM to be happy even if it meant YOU were going to be UNHAPPY. This is about what you want and has precious little to do with whatever he wants or needs or what might just make HIM happy.

<<>>

I think you are the one who is confused, Anna. You've made it blatantly obvious that you want him and under what conditions. Repeatedly. He still ain't biting.

Furthermore, you keep shifting your boundaries to accomodate the little he *is* willing to throw your way every now & then. By doing so, you've taught him that you don't respect yourself enough to maintain those boundaries so why should HE bother respecting those boundaries or YOU for that matter?

New York City rox, by the way. Go for it. Most of all, go for YOU.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie




Edited 12/29/2004 9:11 pm ET ET by posiepops

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