He has moved on

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2008
He has moved on
3
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 10:33am

I ended things with my AP in March.  I just couldn't handle the crazy ups and downs anymore.  I'm married and he divorced during the affair.  We were together almost 4 years.  It was long distance so that added to the stress.  I found out yesterday that he has moved on and is seeing someone.  I'm devastated.  I can't stop crying.  I always thought that somehow we would work it out.  I guess I thought he would wait for me.   Its my own fault he gave me plenty of time to made up my mind but I was to afraid to leave.  I care for my husband, he is a good man but I'm not in love with him.  I still love AP and feel as if I always will.  Sorry for the long rant but I just needed to be able to tell someone.  I have no one else to talk to.

 

Crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 10:51am
Not so Crazy, Lady. I'm sorry you are so sad, but it feels like just another stage of the letting go that has to get done before you have truly let go - not just of him, but also to let yourself go ahead. I ended a 12 yr LD A in April, and dread the news that xAP has completed his divorce and/or found someone else as an AP. I am solidly NC but there are still stairs to climb. If it happens, I will use the same tools as at the beginning of NC and I hope you can too - it is hard, but you can do it, again!
Hugs to you, Daisy
Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 11:06am
Hi, Crazy. I'm sorry you're hurting. Here, take my hand. Let's chat.

Have you been NC since you ended things? I'm trying to work out how you found out he's moved on, particularly as you live in separate cities. I'm afraid you might have opened yourself up to this hurt by either not blocking his calls, emails, texts, Facebook, etc, or not making the changes to your life such as limiting contact with mutual friends/acquaintances.

I'm also not sure how you thought you woulld work it out. You ended things. People tend to take that seriously or, if they haven't before, at some point they may. I know this is hard to examine, maybe too hard for right now, but what was he supposed to do? How long was he supposed to keep himself on a shelf while you kept living your life without changing?

My sweet, your actions don't match up with your words. It's not love that makes us expect/demand sacrifices while we make none.

So, where do you go from here. It's time for some personal action. My advice is to not contact him. If he's found someone else, that's good for him. Separate from him, because he is no longer in the equation, you need to decide if your marriage is what you want. If it is, throw yourself in it. If it isn't, end it. If you're not sure, your choices are still endless: individual counselling, couples counselling, take up a new hobby, exercise more, take a college course, grow a garden. My point is you need to channel yourself positively. You need to accept that when you ended things, it ended.

It's time to put both feet under you now, not one sort of in your marriage and one saving your spot with another man. That's not the path to happiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2008
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 12:57pm

Thank you for your thoughts.  My sister passed away last month and he got in touch with me to offer his condolences.  Yes I looked at his facebook page.  Thats how I found out.   I think its a combination of everything else that is going on in my life that I'm reaching out to him again.   He was always there to talk to. Thanks for listening.

Crazy