He IM'ed me and we talked a while..hurt!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
He IM'ed me and we talked a while..hurt!
5
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:03am

I really need my a$$ kicked for talking to him..but as usual,where he's always been concerned,i am weak and have ZERO will power!!

I was getting booted off Yahoo repeatedly yesterday and when i was finally able to sign back in he IM'ed me and told me to "make up my mind..i was making him drunk"..Now i don't still have him on my buddy list but obviously he has me on his.We didn't talk long,mainly about the problems i've been having with my PC and him making suggestions.He even sent me a picture of his new work truck bought with grant money(he's his county's EMA director)

Oh and another thing...this new "work truck"...is the kind of truck i wanted him to get one time when he was considering buying a new personal truck....he just HAD to let me see he had gotten my favorite kind of truck...grrrrrrrrr!!!!
I've been having trouble getting a picture to upload to my yahoo profile and he told me to send the pic.to him and he would see if he could find the problem.....
What going thru his mind??How can he act like nothing at all ever happened between us when we spent 2 yrs of our lives together and so close???
He claims to be so happily married and in love with his new wife...but he's still talking to me.And might i just add...there are feelings still there for BOTH of us..i can feel it.The conversation on HIS END is way too strained for there NOT to be.I'm just so confused...i know i should block him from my buddy list but i cant.I cant have him and this is the only way i can know from now on that he is okay.I worry about him because he is also a full time Firefighter.I just wish i didn't still love him so deeply.My heart aches so badly knowing i wont ever be with him again.Hell,i've even been soooooo tempted to offer a one night stand!!!!I need help!!!!!!Please someone tell me what to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:19am

Solost

What to do: Decide that your want it done regardless of your FEELINGS thats the only way out of this swamp, YOU do not have ZERO will power were he is concerned you are DECIDING to have contact with him....your doing this for you not because he has some power over you.

When you have hurt badly enough you will end it.

Now you say you love him: IF that were true you would impose NO CONTACT so that you would not screw up his new marriage and turn his life into hell, SO do you love him or do you love what you get/feel about yourself by being in contact with him....you like everyone else is in this affair for the payoff your getting....if it were real love you would walk away and never look back FOR HIS SAKE, SELF-SACRIFICE is the indicator of real love.

I know this is harsh and hurts and makes you angry but you need in my opinion to face reality you have been circleing this mountain far to long.

JMHO
Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 11:50am

Free,

you are right and i agree with you COMPLETELY,but HE is the one that contaced ME,not the other way around.I guess i just try so hard to figure out whats going thru his mind,and i know,i will probably never know...but it's a hard thing NOT to wonder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 12:05pm

So

Yes it is hard not to wonder were there coming from.

You cannot control anyone but yourself, you can decide not to respond to contact attempts or to tell him your problems PC related or otherwise.

Our feelings are hard to control but our ACTIONS are completely with in our control, I know it is easy to say but hard to do...BUT you need totake the actions that will completely remove him from your life aand close the door to any communications at all, there is no other way to even begin to heal and get your life back on to a healthy road again.

If you are a mother you have learned that sometimes you have to do what is REALLY GOOD for your kids not what only feels good because what may feel good now may bring harm to them later, they may be mad at you for a while but you do it anyway...That is LOVE. (and God knows men can be such children)

I is hard to do but in the end you will be glad that you did your ownly regret will be that you did not do it sooner.

Be well

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 12:40pm

Dear Solost: Although he's the one that contacted YOU, that doesn't absolve you from your responsibility to walk away. Easier said than done, I know. My XMM continued to contact me long after the A was over. I can relate to what you said about having been so close and wondering if he's safe and okay. Yes, those may be feeling of love. In fact, they probably are. I can relate to those feelings as well.

Ultimately, tho, you have to face the fact that he may be very happy in his marriage, but you did "something" for him, and he inevitably did "something" for you. I've never been particularly good as explaining what the "something" my XMM did for me was exactly, but I know I got a high from contact with him. Even after he contacted me when the A was over, I'd still get a high from seeing his name on the text message (that was his preferred method of communication).

It's time to squelch that "something." It's not helping either of you move on. That "something" is toxic and will destroy everything in its wake. We're willing to go to tremendous lengths to feel that "something," as everyone on this board can attest. When you feel that "something," you have to let it go.

Whether he contacts you or you contact him really doesn't matter. You still connect and breathe life into the "something." It's perpetuating alot of hurt. The only loving and caring thing to do is force him to face the void of not having that "something" and let him work on himself and why he needed to get it from you in the first place. And you need to do the same.

JMHO. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-12-2005 - 12:45pm
You can block him from IM ing you though..you do have that power. I know you're torn and going through a rough spot but if you really believe that he's married happily to his new wife- you need to end all contact and let him have her. There is nothing good that can come of more contact.. sure maybe it will feed your habit for a moment, but thats what happens when people have that cigarette after quitting etc. It's habit..and you can care about him till the cows come home but he's married to someone else..and you deserve to focus on someone who isn't playing these games.