He just doesn't get it?

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
He just doesn't get it?
4
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 10:38pm

i'm having a strange problem with mm. i know the answer is to stand firm, but i can't seem to. When we argue, or have 'serious discussions' (we aren't always mad) we always agree i need some space. Which i do feel i need, because lately i haven't been handling our situation well knowing he's moving away soon. Then, when the moment/argument passes, he assumes i said that out of the emotion of the moment. He comes over or we spend some time together, and all the love comes back, and i end up right back where i was. i'm really struggling lately with keeping "upbeat". Although i just had a thought, maybe i could use his next trip south for househunting to gain strength. Those few days i can prepare to fight for my space when he gets back. i can see i am setting myself up for a big fall when he goes. But so far i'm not strong enough to push him away. Sorry to complain. He doesn't bug me about talking to other guys/people now like he was (not that i am very much) but now....it's this issue....during our discussions, he agrees to back off and give me space. But than he actually ends up talking to me MORE and as soon as i'm home he visits. He says one thing, and then does the opposite. And he wonders why i am half nuts LOL.

Thanks for listening. i have never been in this kind of situation. i love him, and i know in six weeks, he's moving away for good. i may never see him again.

jen




Edited 4/28/2005 10:41 pm ET ET by jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 8:22am

The fact that your MM is moving soon is IMO a sort of blessing in disguise because if your goal is to forget him it will be so much easier! Your post really got to me because my MM and I were also having "serious discussions" these past few days that really upset me. I'm also having problems being my usual upbeat self that he appreciates so much. I actually said I wanted to rethink some things over but he said I meant so much to him... whatever. I still have the impression he will be driven away if it goes on like this, which would be a good thing because I want to end it eventually. But I want to be in control, I want to be the one to dump him. I know I don't make much sense... :(

Anyways, I have two choices: just have fun with him with no expectations (hard when those darn emotions kick in) or end things. If he was sent somewhere (he's in the military) it would help. Maybe you could just have fun with him for the six weeks that you still have together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 11:59am

Hi Jenny. I remember your story from so long ago. Where you were in L with MM, was almost a part of the family. Now you 2 are broken up and he is moving away? Wow, guess I missed something along the way.

I hope you will be okay. Although you are trying to prepare yourself for when he actually does move, I am afraid you will be devastated when that actually happens, its one thing to think about it, another to actually have to DEAL with the reality. You have about 6 weeks? You said you have both agreed to end the R (well romantically anyways), I think what you have to do is start with complete NC right now, you are only setting yourself up for heartbreak the day that he moves!! And he won't be there to pick up the pieces anymore. At least if you start right now, you can begin the grieving and sadness that you will feel over the end of the R. I'm just worried about what's going to happen to you when he's finally gone, you still seem to need him like a security blanket. Take care!!

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 1:41pm

jen

i know it is hard but i think now is the time to let go and cut off, why wait for 6 more weeks, will it do u any good to keep contact with him for this next 6 weeks or will it cause u more pain

just my 2 cents, disclaimer is what i may say here i dont necessarily do myself , i know it is hard but it u can do it then it will be better for u and MM

take care,
max

i also dont get it yet , i still cling to the idea tha OW will contact me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 3:42pm
It is certainly hard. But at some point in life we have to step up to the plate and realize we do have will-power and no other person can 'drag us' back into being involved after saying "I need space"..If you're being lead there- don't blame him. You have the power to not be alone with him.