He left me again to go back to his wife
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Thu, 11-20-2003 - 11:33am |
I am new to this message board. I got on here looking for support and maybe some kind of answers to my questions. I have been involved with a married man for almost a year now. He is alot older than I am and has been married for 35 years with 3 grown children. I am a single divorced mother of two young children. He lives 350 miles from me. He had moved down here three times for us to make a go of it, living his wife and family behind. This last time he stayed longer than he ever has but just left a week ago saying that he miss her and his family. The other two times he left we where back in touch within a couple days but this time I have only heard from him once and it was very brief and cold. The day he left me he was very cold, a man that I have never seen before. He must have known he was going to leave me again. He has emotionally abused me for months now and still is with not talking to me. He wife would not leave us alone writing emails all the time. She has known about me since last April and since then has found out that he has cheated on her 8 more times other than me. And still wants him back.
I'm trying my best to get this man out of my head and heart. But he has this hold on me that I can't seem to get a grip with. I have figured out that he is a very selfish man and must love only himself. But that still doesn't make it any better. I keep asking myself did he really every love me or just the idea of me. At this point I hate myself for loving him and wanting and needing him. I am always checking my email to see if he has writen me but nothing. Its like an addiction, he is all I can think about. And if he would start back up again wanting to come back in a few months at this point I would let him. I don't want that at all. But I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. There is nothing I would not do for this man. I have never loved anyone close to the way I love him and now I dont' know if he really loved me. I do feel used and abused so why can't I get over him and see him for the man he really is?
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Been in your shoes (unfortunately). {{{{HUGS}}}} My MM left his W of 25 years and lived with me for 8 months. He went back and has been there for the past year. I found this website that has helped me in the past couple of days. It's about codependency (looking for someone outside of yourself to make you happy) and the obsessiveness and desperation that comes with it. Maybe it will help you too. http://www.joy2meu.com
Please keep posting here. It helps soooooo much. The people here even tolerate it when you constantly post because you are going through that obsessive/addiction behavior :) I'm going through that phase myself now. I don't have many words of wisdom, other than I have been right where you are. These men are weak and we allow ourselves to be caught in the middle of it. You can start to heal by working on making yourself happy. Each night, when I come home from work, I have started doing something little that I like to do and that is just for myself (last night I did some yoga after my son fell asleep). The people on this board say that it gets better...I hope they are right.
Bird
When WE (all of us both males and females) allow ourselves to get involved in an affair, it's because we're not well. There are things missing in our lives and we come to the misguided conclusion that SOMEONE ELSE can fix it for us...in turn, fix us! IMO, the reason affairs end is because the initiator of the end comes to the realization (eventually) that the ONLY person that can fix me is ME! Once this work begins, there is no room for the affair and/or affair partner.
From MANY years of personal experience, I can also tell you that no amount of time and analysis as to why HE did this, didn't do that will CHANGE the outcome! The outcome in your case (and in so many others) is that MM went back to his wife. My advice to you is that you STOP beating yourself up! STOP thinking that you could have or more importantly could in the future CHANGE anything because (eventually) you will realize that you have no control over someone else's actions and start looking at his decision to go back to his wife as a precious gift to you!
Please understand that I know how extremely hard this is and will be for you in the coming weeks and months...I've been through it way too many times and what I have learned is that eventually, I got tired of beating my head against that same brick wall over and over again! To save my own sanity, I had to LET GO of the affair, the friendship and most importantly, MM!
I never thought I could be strong enough to tell MM this will never work. I deserve better then what I/we have! And, once I was truly able to let go, to stop the bleeding, to realize that I can only control MYSELF the outcome, surprised me (OK shocked me) because I feel a tremendous amount of peace within myself. I no longer toss and turn all night. I'm no longer glued to my computer or cell phone. I've realized that there are many other things I should and NEED to do in my life. Bottom line, I'm happier and everyone around has noticed.
My wish for you is that you come to the same conclusions I did and that you start working on making a better and happier YOU! At the same time, allow MM to work on himself...personally, I doubt that he ever will but honey, that's NOT your cross to bear.
Good luck to you and tell the schmuck NO MORE! I'm taking my life back!
I'm learning to deal with this one day at a time. Yes I do have good parts of the day but most of them yet are horrible. I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. I do toss and turn and think about everything that has happened between us.
I am beating myself up. Thinking how stupid could I have been to have done this. I knew from the very first moment of meeting him he was married. So why didn't I run the other way? And also knowing that he had cheated on his wife 8 other times before me. Why did I think I was going to change anything? These are questions that I keep having over and over.
I don't know what the truth is anymore. That is the biggest problem I am having. Did he love me at all? His wife kept telling him he was mentally ill and after time he started believing it. I don't remember this but the day he left me again, my best friend was here with me and she told me last night that he kept saying that he was ill and needed help. I don't know if he is mentally ill or not, but if he is or isn't he needs help to find the truth. I do worry about him and everyone keeps telling me not too. And I'm trying not but its hard when you love someone so much. Sometimes I think how can I love someone who has treated me like he has. And it makes me angry that I do and can't get to the point of "hating" him.
Thanks again for your support
Nicole
it seems that this man is not someone you can expect much from--you said that he cheated on his wife and that she still wants him back. Yet, your tone was in disbelief that she could still want him back. I'm wondering how come that same attitude that you think the wife should have doesnt' cross your mind as beind an attitude you should adopt in dealing with this man..He has done this over and over to other women in the past and continues to live the life he chooses..
I'm sorry,but it doesn't seem that you or anyone, including his devoted wife and children, can make him change his mind, or striaghten him out.
Avoid the grief in the future and move on to someone that doesn't abuse you and doesn't take you for a ride he knows all too well...He will have no problem leaving you becasue he does it all the time, to his family,and his other lovers. But you still have a chance to move on and find the love you deserve..You are divorced which means that you have already missed out on that opportunity but dont' put yourself in a position where you wont' get the love you deserve over and over again. YOur children deserve to have their mother happy and you deserve it as a woman.
I know it is easier said than done,but the first step is to want to do it and to change you life--onl y you cna do that...
start there, post here,or find another support group, talk ot a counselor.
Anything tha twill give you the strength you need to get through this.
I do truly love this man. WHY? I really and honestly don't know. There are so many things about him that I haven't and don't like but have always over looked them. The times he was here with me I always felt that I did not have his whole heart! And that killed me inside. I would say to myself you deserve so much more, I have so much to offer someone who will give me their whole heart and not feel like I'm sharing it with someone else.
I guess I thought I was different. He had never left his wife for any of the other 8 and me he did 3 times. He told me it was the 35 years that was making him go back, he could not let go of the past. I think he wanted to but didn't know how.
And now not hearing from him. If only he could tell me he was sorry for the hell he has put me through for almost a year now, that maybe would help in some ways. But I don't want that unless its the truth. Right now I need the truth more than anything. I feel like it has been all lies and I just got caught up in it.
And I wonder if their marriage will be better than it was before all of this. She will bend over backwards for him and to make him stay. So he will have what he wants and has wanted for years with her, I just don't get that. And then there is me, everyone in my town knows what I have done, his W called all my neighbors and told them. I'm ashamed of myself and its hard to go out and face everyone that I know wondering what they are thinking of me. And he can walk back into his life in a totally different state and everything is fine. That is what I don't get. But maybe its not for me to get.
Thanks for you support
Nicole
Hugs
Cali~
I do beleive that if his wife and I would let this man he would live here with me for a month and live there for a month and so on. But I know that I want so much more for my life than that. I deserve better! The times that he lived with me, I did not feel like I had his whole heart and that killed me. I do know I want a man who's heart will be mine.
Its just hard letting go. Specially when its him that is the one who is letting go. It would be easier if it was me letting go and not him. If that makes sence.
I can't image never having him in my life. Never seeing him again or knowing how he is doing. I need him to be apart of my life as I need to be a part of his life. I wish I did not feel this way.
Thanks again
Nicole
I guess I don't repect myself. Tonight has been a very hard night. My two son's left this afternoon to go their fathers for the weekend. And I'm here alone. A friend of mine wanted me to go out with her but I did not feel like it at all. I'm not ready to go out and have fun. So I have cried my eyes out for the last two hours and will put in a movie later.
I know I need to get up and get my life back that has been taken away from me for almost a year now, but knowing it and doing it are two different things.
I really wish I would hear from him. Its taking all that I have not to pick up the phone and call their house. I know I can't do that. For one thing they would know it was me.
Why can't I get mad at him and be glad that he is out of my life!
I have so been where you are. I am also divorced with 2 young children. I left my marriage and hoped that XMM would do the same. He didn't but would have continued the A indefinitely. I was in it for almost 3 years. I started NC (No Contact) 9 mos ago and it is sooo much better, though I am still vulnerable to walk-away type men. I am in therapy to value and understand myself more. I am confounded by this because I seem very upbeat and happy to people. As one poster pointed out last night, there can be a huge discrepancy between someone's public life (work etc) and their own private hell. I think all of us here are living examples.
I understand the "addiction" level here. Seeing it as an addiction may help you.
Kids here must run. Good luck and keep posting!!
Tinypillow
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