He said he loved me and left the A

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
He said he loved me and left the A
3
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 12:57am
Hey everybody well i am new to this board, i guess this is the end of my 1 year and 3 month A with MM. Let me go back and explain for others who dont know my story. MM and I met through my ex-job, at first i wasnt all that attractive to him but then one day as we were sitting there talking, i realized we had alot in common, well we decided to meet up just as friends and talk, we didnt kiss or do anything sexual, just talked about our lives,our marriages, our kids etc. We kept seeing each other from that day on and MM and I started getting really close, the sec date we just kissed and the third date is when we went further than kissing. I felt something for MM but i wasnt sure what it was, we kept seeing each other, a mth passed and MM was promoted to supervisor, he said he really liked me alot but he didnt wont others to see thru him at our job so we kinda stayed away from each other at work since we could lose our jobs b/c the company doesnt like the lower level employees to date supervisors and so we knew what was at stake. When MM got promoted, i was so thrilled for him b/c i knew he deserved it. Later after that, they put MM on day shift and i never got to see him much b/c i worked nite shift,i asked him how would we see each other and he said he promised me that we would work something out, that he wasnt happy about their decision but he had no say so in it either. Well, as i would go in to work i would see MM and we would just say hey and pass by each other, finally i told him that we needed to see each other more and he started making an effort to email me on his day off so we could get together, things were great until i found out the manager heard gossip about our A and after that the NC came from MM, when i finally confronted him he said that it was our cooling point b/c he didnt wont me to lose my job and he certainly didnt need to lose his so i understood where he was coming from and we started seeing each other again and etc, even though during the NC i did start casually flirting with another coworker trying to move on away from the A, focusing my mind on something else and MM saw it one day and said another reason he hasnt talked to me was b/c he was mad at me for hollaring at other guys and said he doesnt deal with that (jealousy) so then i knew there was more to the A then just sex, that MM did care about me and knew if he didnt step up to the plate that he was going to lose me. We have had alot of obstacles getting in our way like my H found out about us, i ended up losing my job etc, but we still kept in touch even though i would do most of the calling but we set a date aand time to meet up and spend time together and even though it was only for 2-3 hours i never wanted to let MM go. Well MM and I have always talked about how we felt and where the relationship was going and i knew just by talking to MM that he doesnt show very much emotion, he tries keeping things all bottled up inside and also MM would never say i love you unless he meant it. Well about in to our 8 mth i realized that i started falling in love with this man and it really took me by surprise b/c i had that wall up and didnt wont to break it down for anybody. I told MM i loved him and asked him if he loved me and he said no that he cares alot about me but he isnt at that point to say he loves me just yet, well i knew how hard those 3 words were for MM, granted he has been hurt in the past. I told him that it was ok and that i rather he wait and say it when he felt it. One day about 2 mths ago MM and I were just chatting online and the relationship topic came up and i told MM that the hardest thing for me is knowing that i am in love with you and i cant be with you the way i want to be, and i said but you dont feel that way yet right? MM's response was "maybe" of course i had to ask why he said maybe and he then said "i do" and i asked him "you do what" and his reply was "i love you" i asked him if he really meant it and MM said "yes" i also wanted to know when he realized it and he said "it's been awhile", i was like why didnt you tell me you felt that way and MM said i dont do that, which means he doesnt really tell others that he loves them. Anyways, i said well i guess that will be the first time and the last time i hear those words from you and MM said "no". It has been 2 mths since that conversation and i havent hear anything from MM. He wont call me nor even email me to tell me our A is over and when i try to call him he either is not there or doesnt wont to answer the phone, left several im's but he wont reply back to them. I dont know anymore about what to do, it hurts b/c i thought he would at least tell me "goodbye" or "it's over" but he hasnt. He finally told me he loved me and just left me with nothing but heartache, confusion, anger, etc. I know i deserve a proper goodbye but i wont hold my breathe. I know in my heart MM didnt use me, not after dealing with the crap we have been thru with all the risks we have taken but i dont know what is going on with him. So i came to this board b/c i feel my A is over and it's not by my choice. I stay up crying all the time, having the last conversation replay in my head and all i have is unanswered questions. I love MM and i was ready to leave the H to be with him but i dont feel i should make that life-changing decision when MM is putting me through NC for months on end. I am sorry this is so long, when i start venting i just cant stop but i wanted everyone to kinda understand my A situation and get a clear picture of the hell i have allowed myself to go thru. I dont know if i am asking for advice,suggestions or just trying to get all of this out but whoever takes the time to read this, i really do appreciate it and hope i can get a male/female perceptive on this issue. Thanks again and i will continue to read everybody's else's posts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 7:25am
I am sorry for what you have gone through. Something I have said to my OM now and then is "we must remember there are no rules for this affair thing." I mean, are we doing it right? How's that for a question? LOL So is there a right way to end an affair? Of course both you and I and the majority of the rest of the posters here would have had a more considerate, heartfelt way than what MM offered you but unfortunately you said yourself that he keeps things bottled up. In my relationship I was the married one seeing a single man so I sometimes find myself relating to some of the things people say here about the "cold" things the Married One can do or say. Every so often I find myself taking a few steps back and viewing the place I am at and it literally freaks me out. My initial instinct is to run and hide and never talk to him again. I recall writing here one day that I was dodging calls from the OM. I eventually did answer the phone because I am at work and couldn't guarantee it was always him. So in a sense I was doing the same thing your MM did to you and I know with 100% certainly that I dearly loved my OM. Bittersweet.

elf.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 7:26am
Peach~

I'm sorry that exMM ended it the way he did...that, to me, is one of the cruelest ways to do so---without a word. Some may think its better that way, but to me, I would think its difficult to put closure on.

All of the affairs here usually follow the same path--some of us "fell into it", some of us planned it (i.e. those who were looking for sex) but in the end, each of us end up having some intense feelings of love, be they real or imagined. But we still feel the pain, intensely.

Personally, and this is JMHO, I would have to question your exMM---he may have "loved" you and been scared of his feelings, thus his sudden disappearance, BUT in my experience, someone who truly loves you will find a way to be gentle and would have found a way to say "I love you but I just can't do this..." or something similar. If he has such difficulty in the fantasyland, how difficult must this be for him in real life? I honestly think, from time to time, that we build these ex-lovers into something so big and wonderful, that we fail to see their glaring flaws right in front of our faces, but if we had to turn it in to reality, I just wonder if we would be so happy with them? just my thoughts

Welcome here...keep reading....we all know what you are going through...and it will eventually get better. Really.

Big hugs

dharma

Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 7:54am
Hi Peach,

My heart goes out to you cause my XMM did exactly the same thing. He moved away without even saying goodbye. His move was expected but he led me to believe he would keep in touch & we'd see each other whenever possible even though we both knew it wouldn't be often. That was 6 months ago & i've heard nothing. If he truly cared he would've taken the time to say something. Even if it was just 'i'm sorry but i can't do this anymore'. Its taken me a long time to get to the point that i finally realised for him it was just about the challenge. Keep reading here & you'll soon get to that point yourself & as hard as it is to accept you'll realise that if he truly cared he'd say something to you. Even if its something you don't want to hear. I fell for my MM but i never fell in love with him & yet that's still been hard for me that he couldn't at least say goodbye. So i understand that if you fell in love with this guy it must be even harder for you to get past this but you will. There are some great ppl here on this board & just reading alone has made a big difference for me. Stay strong & you will get through this.

{{{{{HUGS TO YOU}}}}}