He txtd me b/c H asked him to...
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| Wed, 01-06-2010 - 11:19am |
I posted that xAP broke NC yesterday, and I suspected it was H checking up somehow. I called xAP this morning from the land line to ask him why he's texting me, and he asked if I told H. I told him no, and he said, "Tell him. I can't say anything more." I asked him straight if H asked him to do it, and he wouldn't say, just repeated that I should be honest and try to make it work. I knew H put him up to it, so I called H to tell him about the text. It was dishonest, but it was reassuring for him. I even asked if he put xAP up to it, and he admitted he had. He was so happy that I was honest (which I wasn't, but the story improves...keep reading), and he has promised that he'll stop checking up and try to trust.
So I called xAP to thank him for tipping me off, because it was good for H to know I'd tell him. I also asked xAP straight, "This will never ever start up again, will it?" and he said directly, "No. Never." I NEEDED to hear it from him, because the fantasy, and my "on the fence-ness" is now OVER. I told him he HAD to be the one to say NO because I won't do it. He said, "I know." I told him I just needed to hear it from him, and now I can really make it work.
So I feel like I can now give 100% to my M. I was totally holding out for the fantasy, for the hope that xAP might be willing to pick it up again (I know, I'm horrible for even considering it just 3 weeks post-D-day), but the hope is gone, and I'm so happy.
Even though I have this last secret, I now have perfect closure. I know I have no lingering hope, no fantasy, only memories, which are of fantastic sex and a really great person to be around. And I have a marriage to work on, and if this is what it took to make me willing to work on it, I'll take it, because I couldn't find it in me to give as much as H needs. Now I have it.
And I know I need to work on myself and get counseling to find out why I am this way, why I looked for this and hung onto it. But for now, at least, H has hope and feels like there is something to build new trust on, and I am no longer tempted and distracted by the hope of a fantasy that never will be.
I'm not even sad. I'm relieved, and I'm feeling, for the first time in a while, some sense of freedom from the fog, from the trap. Thanks for all the support. I'll be back, I'm sure, because that sadness creeps back in....but for now, I'm off to enjoy my kids and my life.
Hope and peace to all of you!

I'm getting the impression that your Xmm is more in your H's court than in yours, so you better be very careful from now on. What if H asks Xmm if you responded to that email and Xmm tells him the truth? I don't think you are out of the woods yet, but I am hoping that I am wrong. A good quote for you, and dang if I can't remember who said it, but it goes something like this:
"If you always tell the truth then you have nothing to worry about."
I'm glad you are feeling better about all of this but in the future I would be much more suspicious of any emails/txt mgs that come from a questionable source. You fell for this last one head first. NC would have protected you and for someone rebuilding, you wouldn't have had to lie one more time, KWIM?
JMHO,
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
Thank you for your wisdom. You are absolutely right--I fell right in. And xAP also told me that if I ever get a text from him again, just assume H put him up to it. He assured me that he would NEVER EVER contact me for any reason except H asking him to do it again. And xAP did say twice at the end of our call, "This conversation never happened." It's my sense that xAP is on the side of "everybody needs to work their stuff out and put this behind us forever" which is what he said in so many words to my H. xAP is not the kind of person who enjoys conflict--he avoids it at all costs generally, and he usually avoids taking sides in anything. He's trying to get out of this without turning it all upside down, and without his life blowing up in his face (his wife does not know). He's protecting himself and trying not to set off my H and trying to forget me, all at the same time. He said it's making him sick inside, and he just wants it to be over with.
I love that quote you put in your message. And for what it's worth, you aren't the first person to suggest that I might benefit from remembering that. I have to work out what's going on inside that has me choose to do the wrong thing, and then follow up by choosing lying over honesty. But given that what's done is done, and everything happens for a reason, I'll take the good that's come out of this and chalk up the rest to more lessons learned.
Thanks for your honesty, Iddy.
Hi WMIT,
I saw your post yesterday evening and I was torn on how to respond. I always encourage after D-day that you have full discloser to rebuild trust. However I am always cautious telling a woman to tell her H something because I do not know the dynamic of your relationship and I am cautious to encourage someone to do something that could bring physical harm to them.
I’m thankful that you have let go of any fantasy and see that after D-day everyone especially those that are married are about saving their own butts and that reality washes the watercolors that we used to paint the romantic/love notion of the A right down into the sewer where it belongs.
I would also like to remind you that integrity is what you do when no one else is looking. That is something none of us did during the A.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thank you for your directness and compassion. I agree with everything you said, and although I would have told H anyway, it's not because I wanted full disclosure, it's because he would have seen the phone records and seen the text. I called xAP with some hope that the fantasy was going to play out, knowing deep down that H was behind it all.
But you are dead on, I default to lies when I'm trying to get what I want. And now I am completely committed to rebuilding trust, and I am committing to full disclosure from now on, and I like the little analysis you gave me for evaluating my responses from now on, and I wrote it down and put it in my nightstand drawer.
Thank you for being honest. It gives me something to aspire to.